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Married and heartbroken after affair

 
 
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 03:00 pm
So I will start out saying I have been married to the best guy anyone could ask for for almost 20 years...he has been my everything and my best friend. We have 2 kids age 5 and 13. I have always thought we had the perfect marriage..no fighting, good sex, friendship. I work in a coffee type shop in a small town and everyone knows everyone. A daily customer who is also married whom I have known for the last 20 years started flirting with me and I flirted back. This led to him coming into the store multiple times a day to see me and talk and flirt. We had fun with each other and this continued for awhile. We exchanged cell phone numbers innocently (he owns a local business that I use and I needed to send him a reminder text) I sent the reminder and he replied and things started getting flirty. We continued to text nonstop for weeks along with still seeing each other daily at the store. We talked about everything and anything when texting including our marriages, family, kids etc. We also started sexting and talking a lot about sex and getting together. In almost 25 years together with my husband I have never even looked at another man before now. This guy makes me feel things I have never felt before..my knees literally get weak when I see him...I'm so attracted to him its crazy but even more I think I have fallen in love with him...his heart, his soul and his body. I am 46 and he is 53. He is unhappily married and I am not. He is a respected man in our community and a businessman and he has ties to my family via business and friendship including a casual friendship with my husband. After weeks of texting we decided to do a quick meeting after hours at his office so we could be alone. We met did some talking, hugging and kissing and mild over the clothes groping. It was amazing and left us both wanting more. We decided meeting at his office was too risky and a week later we got a room to again be alone but we had agreed no sex. We met for 2 hours and ended up having sex...the most amazing sex that felt way more like making love than sex. The next day we took a huge risk and met again at his office because we were desperate to see each other. We continued to text nonstop when we could. We would stay up all night after or spouses went to bed to just text and talk. He was the first to use the love word but when he did I told him I loved him right back. This scared us both and the intensity of our feelings shocked us. A couple of days after I started noticing him backing off and becoming distant...not answering a text right away and just weird. When I finally asked him he said he was confused and needed time. I backed off and didn't text him or see him for days. When I finally did text him and asked if we were over his response was maybe with no explanation. I cried for days and walked around with a broken heart which was very hard to hide. Then we started texting again and he said he was talking to someone else and confused. This of course made me angry and hurt and he heard it from me and I walked away with no intention of talking to him again but I found myself unable to not answer his texts. During this time he had told me he had started filling out divorce papers and had told his wife he wanted a divorce. (I know it's true because his wifes facebook page is open to the public and she posted about it). During all this time he kept telling me I was where I needed to be with my family, nice guys finish last that sort of thing. I finally said no more it was too hard to talk to him and I was done and every time I do that he asks me not to go. When I ask him about the other person he is talking to he wont talk about it. If I mention how I feel about him he gets mad, if I ask questions he gets mad but if I say I'm done and try to walk away he wont let me and says he wants to be friends. That usually works for a day or so before one or both of us says something that crosses the line or makes the other one mad. I suspect or maybe I'm just fooling myself that there is no other person he is talking to or seeing and that he is scared and worried about the hurt this will cause both of us and our families not to mention our reputations in a small town. I had previously told him I would leave my husband for him and I would but I think the guilt may be too much for him. We decided to stop all contact with each other and have not been texting but when he drives by the store I work he can clearly see my car and he continues to come in..there are 2 other stores in town he could stop at. we try to be normal with each other but it's so hard to see him and look into his eyes. We always end up looking in each others eyes and saying a lot without talking. I'm so confused by this man...I know what I want and it's him but he keeps sending mixed signals...maybe I'm just an idiot that fell hard for a player but thats not what my heart tells me. I don't want to be without him and my heart is completely broken. I would walk away from a good life for him if he asked. How do I move on and resume my life like I don't love him...how do I live with the guilt of it all....I don't lniw what the truth is for either of us anymore...I only know I hurt like never before. Thanks for listening to me pour my heart out and please no name calling...I know I'm going to hell.
 
jespah
 
  7  
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 04:53 pm
@Confusedcoffeelady,
This guy is in a bad marriage and latched onto you. He probably sensed you were bored and he moved in on that. You of course are complicit in this as you are an adult.

Time to step back and reconsider the 'best guy anyone could ask for'.

Consider him instead of this guy who had and has A LOT less to lose than you do.

You need counseling. Talk to an impartial observer about your marriage. Get to the root of why this happened in the first place. Think about your next steps with a clear head and not in a hormone-induced haze.

Stay or leave as you feel is best, but do talk to someone. In particular, make at least some of the topic about your children, and about your economic situation. Spoiler alert: a 13-year-old is usually hit rather hard by divorce. Second spoiler: your financial status will likely suffer.

I am not saying you absolutely must stay together, but those are realities that should be in the mix.

Notice how I am not suggesting you base your stay/leave decision on this guy? That's because such decisions need to be made by you and you alone, or at least in conjunction with your husband. And maybe marriage counseling is also a good idea. But leave the affair partner out of it. He has clearly moved on.
Confusedcoffeelady
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 07:54 pm
@jespah,
All good advice and I am trying but coping with the loss of him is about all I can handle right now....I physically ache and am worried I am getting depressed. Hard time sleeping, eating and just living life. I know my family is suffering but I dont know how to stop thinking about and wanting him.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 08:34 pm
@Confusedcoffeelady,
Confusedcoffeelady wrote:
I dont know how to stop thinking about and wanting him.


that is one very good reason to see a counsellor as jespah has suggested. she has given you a good road map to begin your movement forward.

if you've come to the point of considering leaving your husband - for anyone - you need to consider ending your marriage in a good way for all of you.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  0  
Reply Wed 29 Jun, 2016 04:22 pm
@Confusedcoffeelady,
A question: WHY would you cheat on your "everything"? I had the greatest husband in the world, and other men didn't even exist to me. I wouldn't have cared if Johnny Depp flirted with me. I would never have bedded another man. The very thought befuddles me. Now, if he is an abuser or just a plain run of the mill a**hole, then I could understand it. IMO..this guy wants to have his cake (or several cakes, as it seems..) and eat it too. He is a waste of time.
Logan787
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 10:20 am
@Confusedcoffeelady,
I would just like to say that you come across as a very selfish person. I'm not trying to be mean or rude either. Consider this, you have a 5 and a 13 year old for crying out loud. Too see their mommy leave their daddy, for a strange man, will seriously mess up their world, worldview, and leave them with a very confused outlook on life. They will think that love is relative and not absolute and that it boils down to nothing more than feelings. Love isn't feelings, love is sacrifice, love is commitment, and love is hard. THAT'S real love. You are also willing to break three hearts over your feelings. I think you need to think about someone besides yourself and what you want and make that sacrifice and give this guy up THEN and only THEN will you prove your love for your children, your husband....it's obvious you don't love him, and that's a shame.
Also, this guy that you are willing to give up everything for. It's obvious that he just wanted to jump in the sack with you. Notice how he started to get distant after he bedded you. That's not a coincidence. He is now ready to move onto the next woman, and wreck her nerves and potentially her family if she has one. My advice to you is stay where the home fires are warm, with your husband and children. If you leave them for this man, you will highly regret it, and grow old with two children mad at you for betraying their dad and you will probably suffer through a miserable old age. Stay where you are.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 11:21 am
IF this man loved you, he would stand by you as you moved from your husband (and possibly the children) into his life. He has not encouraged you to do that.

What kind of man tells you that he's "talking with another woman" in order to push you away?

Do you know WHY he had a "bad marriage."?

I don't think you know this man and his character. You were sexually caught up with him, which tells me that your marriage was lacking in something, you were bored, or you just were thinking with your bella figa.


Logan787
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 03:39 pm
@PUNKEY,
You know, what gets me about this whole story, is how she is willing to give up everything and break the hearts of her husband and children, just to have a guy that makes her emotions euphoric. Let me get this straight. She's willing to break three hearts, give up what appears(up until the home wrecker showed up) to be a great marriage, her best friend and a great husband, all over a guy that clearly just wanted to use her. THAT's why he pulled back after the sex. He is a waste of her time.
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 24 Oct, 2016 06:42 pm
@Medusax,
Just want to tell you that everyone of us who sidetracked have a good husband and never wanted another man to happen.
You will never know until you got it.
I would condemn everyone who fell before I did.
And trust me - I was so far from it - probably like you are now.
Unless you got into this - don't even take responsibility of preaching.
Because it is curse and blessing. But you wouldn't believe.

Wondering where OP is and how things went.
Milena35
 
  0  
Reply Tue 8 Nov, 2016 10:18 am
@jespah,
I met a guy he is older enough from me and he is in relationship with his hf 4 years , ok
im with him 1 year . i am 35 and he is 52 ok
he is cheater i know
but he tod me he wont never leave her bc of me
and i know this
so i accept to be with him FWB..LOL
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Nov, 2016 11:12 am
@Milena35,
And so he will use you for sex and never have to commit to anything. If you're okay with this, then have fun.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Dec, 2016 08:11 pm
@Eliusa,
Don't bet your life on the fact that no one hit on me while I was married.
0 Replies
 
notalone444
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 06:39 pm
Love the judgmental people on these threads, so high and above everyone.
We ALL fall short in things.
I have been on both ends, cheated on then cheated. It is an awful place to be in on both sides and easy to get pulled in. People who think they'd never have an affair have.
Instead of judging, giving good sound advice would help her more dont you think?

I am going to tell you flat out, he is using you and keeping you on the line. End of story. You THINK you are in love but you are not. You need to go NC (Yes I know it is hard) and get a counselor who can help you. It usually has absolutely nothing to do with the spouse but ore to do with you. Get help, stop contact and figure out what is going on. I PROMISE you it does get easier, the rose colored glasses come off and you see the person for what they really are. Your feelings will change. You will realize you are in love with the fantasy of what you wanted it to be not what it really was.
He doesnt want a person in love, he wants sex and no attachment and is why he is talking to someone else and most likely always has been from day one. I am sorry to seem so harsh but you need the reality check to get over this user and move on. Once you have time behind you, you will see him for what he really is. Wish there were an ending an affair forum here. If you read it, you'd see yourself in almost every story. They are (mostly) all alike, all end bad and people get hurt.
Focus on your marriage, great husband and figure out what it was that made you need the attention. The affair is a symptom.
0 Replies
 
 

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