Tue 22 Sep, 2015 05:41 pm
I'm having trouble with my girlfriend. We've been together about 3 1/2 years, I'm 27 and she's 25. We have known each other since high school, we talked/were intimate in high school. She was everything I ever dreamed of, cute, constantly trying to be funny, laughing at me constantly being funny, caring and very generous. When we met in high school I had just broken up with another girl that I was with about four years, I thought that it was over (she left me) and that I was over it. That was until she called one night and said she made a mistake and that we were supposed to be together (I later found out it was a ploy of jealousy over my new found love). I went to her house and we ended up having sex and she left a huge hickey on my neck. By the morning I'd realized that her intentions were negative but it was too late. I told my new love what happened and it crushed her. She ended up not talking to me again and a few months later I got in some legal trouble for drugs and ended up doing two years in prison. About two years after I was released I saw my new love walking down the street in our hometown and we instantly reconnected. I was right back where I left, we talked about how we'd missed and thought about each other, she showed me poetry that she had written four years, all about me and our seemingly lost love. I was in heaven, the so called "puppy love" stage lasted over two years, no exaggeration. I think it's because about two years in her mother died of terminal cancer. Up until that point I'd pretty much been living with her and her mother and helping my love take care of her. She began drinking everyday, for the first summer of our relationship I was laid off and she was on summer vacation from grad school and we went out almost every night. But this was different, she was getting black out drink, angry, and even drinking in the mornings before school. I thought for sure I'd lose her, if not from the anger she displayed then to the alcohol that would surely kill her. She ended up pulling out of the drinking and today has about three months sober (after several less than week long failed attempts). This time her desire to not drink seems very strong. Our relationship was back to that puppy stage, so much love, so perfect. But now she's beginning to find that anger again, without alcohol. She's beginning to say all the terrible things she said drunk but now she's sober. She's telling me that I never do anything for her, she does everything, and that she'd be better without me. As far as I know those things aren't true, unless I have blinders on that I'm unaware of. I don't think I lack care or desire for her and I do everything I can to make her smile, I don't think the "her doing everything" she speaks of is any more than leaving clothes on the dresser instead of putting them away, or forgetting to rinse dishes. Which to me seems like normal male/female differences? She is also saying that I never take her on dates, and that she always takes me. That part is close to true, I take her out a couple times a month but she makes more money than me and takes me out sometimes as much as three or four times a week (taking out: dinner or maybe a movie, date stuff). I try to make that up by doing the cooking every night we're home. I was reading online today about borderline personality disorder and she kind of fits the description but I'm not a doctor and my psychology experience doesn't go behind 101 at a community college so I'm deff not qualified to make that assumption. Can someone help? Is this relationship worth continuing to work on? Any advice will help. Also, I want to say that we don't fight terribly often, once a month maybe and she had always showed remorse afterwards and asked forgiveness. I think maybe me being so forgiving isn't helping, I get over things very quickly and I consider myself really understanding. I have an easy time putting myself in others shoes and understanding what made them do what they did, and also I believe that if I had been raised through the life and situations that they had that I'd have done the same thing at the same moment. Thanks again for any help
I think she's got problems that require a doctor's care. I'm kind of surprised she's essentially sober/semi-sober without treatment.
Either way, though, she's just an angry dry drunk right now.
You're right; you're probably too forgiving. You certainly seem to be going along to get along. Perhaps you're seeing how things used to be, and you've got nostalgia for all of that.
But no matter. Her anger is toxic. She needs therapy; she's got to get this out to an impartial third-party observer and stop using you as her verbal punching bag/pretend therapist.
Should you stay together? Suggest treatment, and see what she says. If she is open to it, then I'd say you have a chance. If not, then not so much.
Thanks a lot for the response.. I have brought up the idea of treatment before and she was opposed to rehab because of school, and opposed to telling friends or family about the problem because of embarrassment. She did a lot of research online about addiction and went to an aa meeting but decided against going again.
I'm familiar with the term dry drunk because of some legally obligated programs I took while incarcerated and she does seem like that too.
I love her and I have a strong mental cap, I think, to stay with her through tough times. I guess my real concern is if this is a serious mental thing or normal fallout after a dearth of a mother.
Her and her mother were very close. I didn't really get very long to meet her mother lucid but from what I heard from her father she was very angry herself (the mother) and she had substance abuse problems. Both her parents were pretty bad alcoholics, my dad too, but her dad turned a corner about ten years ago and is a great guy today. My dad also stopped drinking, maybe six years ago.
The other thing that worries me is that maybe this is a time she needs to be alone to think and I'm messing it up by trying to rekindle our love.
Life's so Damn complicated and relationships are the key cause. I have so many conflicting views, the only thing I'm 100% positive about is that I'm willing to put in work to make the relationship work (I believe all relationships run out of puppy love at some point and need to be worked on and thought about to stay happy, I believe easy is never a word associated with relationship our love). The other things I know 100% , are that I care about her and her about me.
We have a lot in common, we both Love comedy and we both do jiu jitsu and Muay Thai together. (Martial arts)
Also, I want to add an important part that I forgot..
She's very jealous and thinks I'm usually doing something wrong, ie: cheating in her. Today I got home from work early at 3pm and text her to ask if she'd still be home until 6pm like she'd thought that morning to which she asked me why I was being sketchy and why I had been trying to find out so hard when she was coming home (I only asked once in a text and no other times). That quickly turned into her telling me I don't do anything for her, asking me to leave, etc.
Don't hang around. If that is typical, then that is not a good way for you to live.
Personally, you should give her surprise regularly. You know, women, they need surprise. Or you can go to travel together to make some differences.