Tue 4 Mar, 2014 02:37 pm
If you were one of the many people who watched the shock and awe film brokeback mountain you will know exactly what I mean when I saw I was living this storyline. I met Casey in 1999, I was 30, and she was 22. The eight year difference I guess had given time for social adjustment to homosexuality. Casey was openly a lesbian, and her charm, and amazing personality was hard to miss, so naturally everyone enjoyed her company, including myself. I had never been with another woman, although I will admit now ( and then pretty much only to myself) that I frequently found them attractive, but I was well aware of the social laws that looked upon this poorly and dismissed them to myself. When I met Casey she started working in the building I was working at and we ended up eating lunch at the same time. I was sitting alone one day, and she came over to my table and sat down and started to strike up conversation with me. Thinking back now there was a large amount of irony in this considering my concerns circulated about knowing that it was "wrong" to be with another woman, and socially frowned upon( yet she left a full table of friends to sit with me when I was alone). I thought the gesture was amazing, and found Casey to me an amazing woman. From that day on everyday Casey sat at my table, and we talked throughout lunch about anything and everything, we started to get together outside of work, and she was coming to my house frequently. I had known Casey for about 3 months, when one night at my house we were sitting on my couch joking around and I found myself thinking "I'm in love with HER", when I caught myself thinking this I thought what am I doing this is wrong. Though I knew this was "wrong" I couldnt get it out of my head constantly all I could think about, but I did not act on it despite how much I wanted to. Finally about a month later we had planned to go to concert together out of town, we arrived at the hotel, and were promptly advised that the hotel appoligized but there was an error and our two bedroom room had been given in error and all they had was a room with one king sized bed. We talked briefly and decided that this would be fine as they could bring a cot, and even at this the king size bed was large enough for us to share without being too close. It was late and due to the concert it would have been hard to find a room elsewhere. We were tired got a drink at the hotel bar then went to our room to rest for the night. We didnt watch TV or anything we just laid there for about 2 hours just talking, of course it felt like 2 mins, and inside I could not fight it anymore. I, thats right me the one who isnt gay, rolled over looked at her and started to kiss her, she was shocked, but in the end of things the feelings I had been tucking away were deffinately mutual, and that night laying in her arms I decided I didnt care anymore trying to say I didnt love this woman was a lost cause, and right or wrong I was going to have to deal with what came. We were together for about 6 months, and I continued in our relationship the same as I would with any man, being with her was amazing on every level, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. Then one day we were out getting groceries, and my ex's mother came up to me, I had not seen her in about 3 years, and much to my surprise, I found myself embarassed to introduce Casey as my girlfriend. What was going on it had been months I loved her, and yet the thought of the looks on my ex's mothers face when I told her haunted me. It bother me all night and I just could not get close to Casey, we didnt sit next to each other on the couch, I asked her to go to her place for the night, and I didnt kiss her goodnight or even tell her I loved her. I could see the hurt in her eyes, like she had no idea why i had placed this distance between us, and I couldnt even explain it as it would sound so dumb. I cried for a while that night and hoped that when i woke up the next day this haunting feeling would be gone, but it was not. I had ongoing trouble with this for the next 3 months, but I kept it too myself although I knew she could sense something was wrong, and I felt so guilty she had done nothing wrong yet I felt I was punishing her for being a woman and loving me. We made the decision to move in together although I could not push these thoughts from my mind, and she had no clue what it was that was weighing me down. It put stress between us and I eventually told her what was going on. I could see that this information had destroyed her inside, but I had to be honest I couldnt take it anymore. I told her that I thought that we should still live together but as roomates, her constant company made me so happy, but I couldnt be openly in a relationship with her in public. I felt I was comitting some sort of unforgivable crime. This of course destroyed her noticable, but she agreed, she told me she still loved me and if we could still be together she would hide it for me. I agreed to this but still found myself being distant as if I would tell her i love her, kiss her, hold her, even in my own home with no one around someone would know somehow. I eventually got to the point where I just wished she would be gone and I could try to just move on. I would get so angry when she would tell other people she was not with me, even though i didnt want them to know, I guess what I really wanted was for them to know she was taken by me but them not to know I was with her, I know this doesnt make much sense. One night finally I was so frustrated by this that I told her I wanted her gone, I wanted her to disappear and stop affecting my life and I wanted her to leave now. I think this was the first time I saw her cry that much, it tore me apart inside, she tried to hug me and said I love you as she left and I pushed her away from me and simply said " I dont know why, you shouldnt I am a woman and so are you, all i do is end up making you hurt because you want to be like this and I dont". She left and I spent the entire night crying. The next day I went to work, dreading lunch I skipped it. I went home that night and felt bad about this, why couldnt people at work still see us as friends maybe. I decided if she would sit with me and talk tomorrow I would try to do this. I went into the cafateria the next day and did not see Casey anywhere, I realized she had probably called off and this made me feel even worse, I had crushed a beautiful thing. I tried to call her that night and say my sorries but she did not answer my call. The next day I went to lunch again looking for her and she was not there, I started to get concerned, she never missed work no matter how sick she was. I went to her work area and asked if she was off today. The girl there said the 6 words that brought me to my knees in pain " didnt you hear about the accident" " what accident, what happened". I thought you would know she said she was in a bad accident 2 nights ago, she was driving irratically and wrecked, she has been in the hospital since. I immediately rushed to the hospital, and asked for her room number. I went straight to her room. Her mother was outside the room, and promptly told staff I was not allowed to see Casey. The staff asked who I was and I replied her girlfriend. It was my first response without thinking it was what I wanted to be. Her mom told the staff that we had broken up, and that this was the reason Casey had done this, she had called her mom after leaving my house and told her she could not cope with it and needed to get away. I felt like a bullet had torn through my body at that point it hurt so bad. I was getting my wish I was never going to see her again, it would be exactly like she didnt exsist, and there was no saying im sorry there was nothing I could do, I couldnt even say goodbye. I spent the next two days in the waiting room, I slept there, I ate there waiting to hear the crushing news she was gone. On the 3rd morning I woke up to her mother leaning down beiside me " can we talk" she said. I woke up right away I thought this is it she is gone. her mother proceded to tell me that Casey was in a coma, the doctor was not sure if she would make it through that day. She also told me that she could not blame me for this anymore and though she was hurt so badly she told me she knew Casey was not the kind of person who was full of spite, and she couldnt keep me from seeing her anymore. I was so grateful for this and I knew it was true. I had been a horrible person. I had been hateful and rude, and destroyed the will of a beautiful amazing person who if the world was all like her it would be the perfect place. I prepared myself to see her as her mother agreed to allow me time to see her alone. I went in the room and I saw the woman I loved laying there on the bed. A lifeless body hooked up to a million beeping machines. I instantly started to cry and threw my arm over her body. I begged her mother to let me stay and I spent the next 3 days in the chair next to her. I realized at that point that me loving her, her loving me us being together wasnt wrong, what was wrong was my allowing myself to treat such an amazing person with such little respect because I was affraid other people may care. I realized that I didnt care about that and I never should have. Who cares what one, two or 100 people who are hateful think, why should I treat a great person who would never look badly at anyone poorly to please judgmental people who can not be near as nice to the rest of the world. There beisde her I took her hand and made a promise to her that I would never let that fact that someone might judge me stop me from doing what I should do for myself and for the people I love. I told her I would always love her and even if she hated me I still loved her and didnt care who had to know it. I told her how now I was just haunted by the fact that because of this fear that people would hate me for being with her, I felt it was my fault that she was dying and that she was going to leave and never know that I really did love her, because that night I let her walk out my door after telling me she loved me and I said nothing in return. The next morning I woke to a nurse pulling me from the room. I instantly thought that she was gone, to my surprise they were removing me because she had woke up and they needed to stablize her. I was so releaved when i saw her open eyes as I left the room. It was 18 hours later they came to tell me I could go in the room that she was stable, even off of the vent. I walked in the room scared to death and walked to the bed. I was amazed when she took my hand and said "im sorry". what could she be sorry for. I started to cry and layed down on her. she simple said I heard what you told me when I wasnt awake, I am sorry I was stupid and got myself into this mess, but I do love you, I will always love you, and if you can accept me I will be yours always. Even after all this you are the only one I love. I had a breakdown at this point, I got down beside her hospital bed and asked her to marry me. It took us 10 years but last month I walked down the isle to the love of my life, and although I had always imagined the man of my dreams, my mr. right. It was my mrs. right who I met at that alter, and I have never been so happy to hear you may kiss the bride, not because I got a wedding kiss, but because I could kiss my bride, and I for once didnt care who was watching, who was staring because the people who were there accept and love me and they are the only people who I need in my life. I hope that every couple can have that moment in their lives, and I hope someday everyone can see that you may not always love the person you have dreamed about loving, but loving the person you do maybe more then you ever dreamed of.