some advice..

He has to find some way to motivate himself. I've been in that position and it can be tough. It's very depressing and isolating. He may want to consider talking to a professional about it, maybe that will get him out of his rut. I don't have kids, but I can relate to the situation from personal experience. I have no idea what seo work is, but if he likes to work from home, he should be thinking about something he might be able to start on his own. That might give him some drive.

He says he does not want to work from home anymore but yet he won't go find a job, he does not even really look. She understands that it might be hard to adjust to but she is concerned about there finacial situation. bill mounting, kids to take care of ect.. he acts concerned but then does nothing but sit home ont he computer all day doiong nothing. He would never go talk to someone, he thinks it is a waste of time. seo=search engine optimization. he was self employed.

It's incredibly difficult to keep looking for a job in the sense of looking and not getting. It's a huge blow to one's self-esteem and identity. It's a lot easier to NOT look and say, eh, I could find something if I really looked, than to get out there and do everything possible and STILL not find a job. That's rough, way rough.

I used to work with people who had tried and failed to find jobs for years, and saw that again and again as a self-preservation technique. (Not looking at all, and saying "I could find one if I really looked...")

Which is to say, I have sympathy for him, but at the same time I understand how hard it must be for his wife.

Is he at least doing the childcare?

It sounds like there needs to be some serious discussions of what he can do. He might not want to see a professional, but maybe he needs to.

It does sound like he's in a pretty self-defeating vicious cycle. He probably doesn't even want to accept how damaging this is on his marriage, but he has to. Losing a job is one thing, losing a family is quite another. Maybe he needs that sort of tough love, at least to get that possibility out in the open.

The smallest child is in daycare full time. they put him in day care because dad could not get any work done, now that he is not working the excuse is i cant look for a job with him here. My friend feels like everything is falling on her, financially she has to make sure bills are met and they still have money to live on, she takes the kids to school and daycare, she goes grocery shopping, she cleans the house, does homework with the kids and puts them to bed. she is feeling sad because she loves her husband but she cant keep going on like this.

she gives him alot of support and encouragment but nothing seems to work. does she just give him time (meanwhile they go into debt) or what? She has told him she can not do it anymore but he just says what she wants to hear and nothing changes.

He sounds like he's truly, clinically, depressed. Can she at least get him to a family doctor?

At some point she needs to put her foot down and say what is and isn't acceptable. There are obviously a lot of pride and identity issues here, so diplomacy is called for. But they need to come to some sort of compromise/ agreement -- he goes grocery shopping, makes dinner, and takes kids to school/ daycare, for example. It might not be realistic for him to take on ALL the non-work responsibilities right away, and she might even want to do some of them, like putting the kids to bed. But doing NONE of them is ridiculous.

If she feels like she needs help in making that happen, I'd suggest therapy. Well I guess I'd suggest therapy anyway, just sounds like he might not be amenable. Might be have to be a situation where she says I'm going no matter what, I'd sure like to have you come with me.

I agree about family doctor.

no he will refuse to go. she has really tried everything and anything short of leaving. she loves him and does not know what to do

Has she asked, though? Maybe he'l surprise her.

Meanwhile, if she asks and he refuses, might be ultimatum time.

counseling is what I suggested too:) do you think she should go without him if he wont go? thank you so much for all your advice.

Yep. She'll get professional advice on how to handle things and be able to vent, herself, at the very least -- both good things.

I think it may be a good idea, at this early stage of transition, to drag him there, for couple's therapy. If he is really so stubborn as to not comply with her wishes, she should get her own therapy, just to deal with the situation, and learn how to handle it.

If he won't go, at least she should. To counseling, that is.

And it's definitely time for putting her foot down. It might work if she gives him options, e. g.

Honey, since I have taken on a lot of stuff including work, I need for you to help me out. So I need for you to do one of the following:
1) Take care of the kids
2) Do the grocery shopping
3) Visit your doctor and get a checkup or
4) Come with me to the counselor.

And then she shouldn't let him weasel out of things. It might be that he chooses the path of least resistance, which is #2, the grocery shopping, but it's something and it'll get him moving. I have been there and I understand about how it feels to be long-term unemployed, but the worst thing that someone can do - the most defeatist thing - is to lose contact with other people. Contact can be in person, on the phone or online or through email or even snail mail, and it doesn't have to be with potential networking contacts. It just needs to be with fellow human beings. If he is sitting around at home, not showering and not getting up except to occasionally visit the can, this kind of pattern is only going to make him feel worse. He needs to get up for something, anything.

Best to your friend. If she'd like, please feel free to invite her to A2K if she'd like to vent here. We're all ears.

Thank you so much! She is going to join a2k because she feels better just seeing how many people are here that listen and have good advice so look for her soon.

Welcome in advance, swestover's friend...

I agree, this guy seems extremely depressed and understandably so. Men are trained by society from a very early age that their role is to be the primary breadwinner, if not the sole support of the family. To have that stripped from you can leave you emotionally bereft, feeling useless and-- since guys generally don't talk about their feelings with anyone, let alone their wives-- alone. Hardly an emotional state conducive to job seeking!

Push, pull, persuade, cajol or threaten this guy into seeing the doc and the sooner, the better.