Intelligence differences

First off, your husband might be intelligent in other matters. Many artistic people are just plain dumb when it comes to business. There's no law that says you have to be in business together. Can you continue without him?
Second, I tried reading your letter as if a man had written it and it didn't sound strange in any way so that was a good sign. If you really love the guy you'll accept his faults and try and protect him...as long as it doesn't put you in danger.

Have you talked to him about if he WANTS to be doing the business side of things? If he's so patently bad at it, maybe he's a) just plain not interested, and/or b) having a terrible time. If it's either of those, then sever the business partnership, and problem solved.

It sounds like he's quite understanding and accommodating, if you just talk about it.

However, I think about the least productive route would be to couch it in the terms you are here -- relative intelligence. It can be much more specific than that, and the specifics are all you can actually speak to, anyway. Just plain asking whether he is enjoying his role, and really listening to his answers, will probably give you all sorts of leads and openings into sorting out the problem without getting into calling him stupid.

Interesting predicament..... well I have a few things to say. As mentioned (i think) his actions don't necessarily denote deficit in intelligence but certainly indicate a lack of impulse control and foresight (which logically go hand in hand). I would say that the most accurate assessment of the situation from my perspective is that relative to you, he fails to think in a structured logical fashion. Surprisingly this doesn't necessarily denote stupidity either. For the moment I would make 2 strategic suggestions .... following a qualifier.

First I think it is necessary to ensure that you are being true to yourself. Emotional support can come from a lot of places but love is something more than that. When talking of relationships (other people's of course), I have often found myself saying "It looks like love .... but it smells like fear". What I'm really trying to say there is that (under my understanding of love) my belief is that many people confuse the fear of being alone combined with comfort granted by and perceived obligation to their partner, with love. I don't believe the reasons for love should entail sympathy or obligation, but many people get into the psychology of what they "have to do" or "should do" (which is built on societal expectancies) rather than what they genuinely want to do.

Having put forth that relatively bleak qualifier, assuming that he is the guy for you then this is what I think. impulsivness stems partially from a lack of foresight, which can be broken down into an unstructured/undisciplined thinking patterns and a lack of perceived consequence. It sounds to me like you help quite a lot in taking away the consequences of his seemingly stupid choices, and change is only fostered by consequence (negative or positive). If you are in a system which takes away all consequence without palpable cost then you will invariably eventually take that system for granted. Therefore you have to create real consequence for his actions, to open his eyes to what can potentially be lost (e.g. money, pride, respect, the farm .... you). Secondly, when the issue of decision making comes up, for whatever reason, try to give him a loose structure in which to think about problems. You could phrase it in terms of a dialogue with himself ... If I do this then ..... what are the main effects. Follow this up with some guided examples (e.g. if someone offers me magic beans for the cows .... what should i think of first? what are the pitfalls? who does this affect and how (are they willing parties in this endeavor)? is the risk worth the possible gain? what are the odds that this will work out the way I am planning? If the consequences you bring to bear genuinely motivate him to change then this type of guided structured thinking should help. If not .... then comes the tough love, you need to watch him genuinely fall into one of those consequences (fall on his ass) and hopefully glean some motivation from that.

Thats the best I've got ... short of making yourself part of every on of his important decisions ... which sounds too tiring to me and frankly you are not his keeper.......

approaching your post as if a man wrote it, as panzade did, i am not feeling as generous. the one concession i make is that financial worries can put you over the edge.

key problems: there is no trust, you think he's stupid, and you've adopted a name that screams of victimhood. plus, you've just qualified yourself for the mensa society, while you've left him in special ed.

Your post makes me wonder how old each of you are, and do either of you have farming experience?

Typically, farmers (many of my relatives are farmers, and have been for generations) are simple people lacking in formal education, but overflowing in common sense (even though they might not be able to explain something to you, they can sure do it themselves).

I marvel at how these "simple" people manage hundreds of acres, equipment, livestock, growing and buying and selling feed and food, sell their crops or meat on the commodities markets, and raise families.

Now, you 've not given much info regarding yours and your husband's predicament. It would seem to me from a business (non-farmer, me) perspective that you may be business minded, and he may be labor minded.

For instance, I have a really good employee who does various things such as welding, mowing, and other odd jobs.

He's reasonably reliable, and does a fairly good job. He's not worth what I pay him, but he does show up when he says he will, so I keep him.

Anyway, there is no way I'd have him serving my customers in a direct sense. He has no decorum, no tact, and does not make eye contact.

He has only a basic education (if that) plus a welding class. His money is always spent the day after payday. He can't save a dime, though you'd think someone in his 40s would know the basics of saving a few bucks so he could buy a car (he currently borrows his parents' car every day).

But, he can weld, I can't. And he will sit on the mower for eight hours to cut my grass, and I'd go insane sitting in one place for that long!

Perhaps you need to find what you are good at, and what your husband is good at. Divide your responsibilities and make the farm profitable.

A question: do you have a plan for making the farm profitable? A written plan really helps--it put's all players on the same page.

General Tsao

farming is not something that one delves into as a business without some fore knowledge. Was he a farmeing family product? You?

Did you togeter discuss the goals of the crop production and marketing of surplus , and what is your together experience in animal husbandry.
Farming requires different types of knowledge and a respect for what each partner brings. My wife does all the books and together we decide the past year and changes for the next. She markest much of the product(wool) and I offer my hands in the husbandry and health because my job requires me to travel. I also get involved with marketing lambs and breeding stock Our kids are involved and weve given them the training about what and how things work. We are now getting into the why (which involves sciences and marketing)
Farming is a lifestyle besides a job, so if theres a doubt in the division of labor and the importance of each's expectations and track, youd better talk with him damn soon and not some chat line.
Im serious because , if you have stock, they need maintanance and care, all built around a business model. Otherwise your going to have a "pet farm" and income will not be in the plan.

Who deals with the bank?

There are 2 kinds of farmers,
1those that farm for money
and
2Those that farm with money.
If youre fully independent and farmings just a hobby,
I cant give any advice, but if its a business, your partnership is as important as your marriage and trust, respect, coupled with a little awe at your partners talents, would help.

The bottom line is that your business relationship is interfering with your personal relationship. My first instinct is that you should not be in business together.

However, if you must remain in business together (family farm and all that), you must define very carefully and precisely exactly who does what. And then stick to it. None of this "I'll do this just once" kind of stuff - just do your job and have him do his.

I suspect you will be the one to handle the books, sales and any forecasting-type planning (e. g. deciding how many head of cattle to buy next year, whether to diversify, that sort of thing). He will probably handle day-to-day operations, such as making sure - let's say you have dairy cows - when the milking is done and when the milking machines need to be serviced and deciding if to call the vet if there's a sick cow. That sort of thing.

This way, you will not butt heads as much. If he tries to do something not in his area, call him on it. That's not fun to do, but do it - tell him, that's my job. I handle this. You handle that. Please let me do what I know I can do well. If he's as understanding as you say he is, then he'll be fine with that. And give him a pride outlet if it turns out he has to, in front of his peers, consult you on something - tell him he can say something like "I need to speak with my partner about that." or "The bookkeeper takes care of all of the expenses. I'll call and see if there's budget money for this." The last thing most men want is to have to say, in front of their peer group "I can't __ because my wife won't give me permission." So you need to avoid that. And, reversing the gender roles, you'd probably not be happy about that, either, so you might also want to use these types of sentences and phrases.

Obviously farmerman knows a lot more about the business end of farming than I do, but for any business the bookkeeper, the clerical staff, the managerial staff, etc. are separate roles and are often performed by separate people. Even though there are only 2 of you, you can make some distinctions in your tasks, and I believe that will help things considerably.

Good stuff

thats a reasonable view jes. A farming partnership is as close as the marriage itself. There are too many things that must be done and , like a platoon of army ants, everyone has to know what needs to be done. Youre like a single organism.

If something going wrong in the barn and animals may be sick, just by my coming into the house and saying weve got big trouble, starts a whole automatics play of action. We communicate the problems. I get the heavy equipment, my wife and/ or kids get the correct meds and we know weve got a long stay in the barn.
Youve gotta be a close team in everything
Right now, while weve been on vacation, wever got a young Mennonite couple living in our place and taking care of the stock. (they also have a part share in a family dairy business with 300 cows milking!! -ThAts big for Pa)

everyone( with the exception of me ) who has contributed to this post has given thoughtful consideration to the the dilemma of the poster. it bugs me that she has not returned to acknowledge this...i hope it's because she is tending to some important matter that presently keeps her from posting.

benefit of the doubt...