Mon 23 May, 2016 06:41 pm
So I will try to shorten this but I know I won't be able too. I've been with my wife for almost four years we've been together for 9. I've never flirted, got another girls phone number or cheated on her. However, I've always found myself to lose control whenever I went to a strip club for a bachelor party. Knowing this I had severe anxiety leading up to my bachelor party to the point where I threw up beforehand. I knew I would be going with guys who could pressure me and my safety nets (best friend and brother) the two who would've looked out for me weren't there. So after a bunch of drinks I found myself losing control of myself, to the point where I pretended to be someone else. At one point in the night and I only re,ember this because my friends brought it up, I had fingered a stripper (gross I know) and didn't remember doing so or who she was or what she looked like but that very next morning when they all laughed at me about it I felt extreme guilt and my body went numb and anxiety ridden. I couldn't drink coffee and I turned into a guilty, o god what have I done mess. This pain, guilt and shame stayed with me for an entire year and a half. I tried hard to forget, tried hard to justify but nothing worked. It made big moments in my life like wedding and honeymoon not as enjoyable because I couldn't escape ,my own head. Even worse I felt like I betrayed my wife and I felt like an asshole, and with a guilty conscience I felt like I could never show as much love to her as I should, because I feel like I am constantly hiding something. I became depressed and drinking didn't help, but randomly about a year and a half later I stopped thinking about it and I didn't think about it for an entire year. Not once! I felt normal, and guilt free. So last March I went to my buddies bachelor party, knowing full well that I needed to behave myself. So I did. However, once I got home the anxiety and guilt from 2012 came back as if the incident happened over the weekend. In my head all day long it's " I fingered a stripper" over and over again and the shame I feel, and the fact that I can't escape this consumes me. I know people make mistakes and I am not perfect but to suffer from this has to be bigger. I tried talking to a therapist but I didn't find them helpful, labeling it as just general anxiety when it seems like so much more. So I am reaching out here. What should I do? My wife is pregnant and although part of me wants to come clean, it's not a good time and I don't think she will understand it nor will she be happy I kept it from her this long. Thoughts?
Talk to your doctor about a referral to a different therapist. They're not one-size fit-all.
You did something minor that you are way too hung up on.
Until you find a therapist you can work with or medication that works for your anxiety, don't go to bachelor parties or similar events. There's no point in messing with your own head, and in the scale of life it's not a big deal if you don't go to a bachelor party (after all, your brother and best friend weren't at yours).
Much appreciated. Will do so, thank you!