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Sitting around waiting...this is torture

 
 
Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 11:29 am
My post from the other day....about heading for divorce...

Well, here's a teensy update:
I got in to see my doc and got a referral to a counselor. This was Friday, mind you, so now...counselor called back late that evening and said she'd call on Monday to see how she could fit us in. So we're looking at Tuesday at the earliest.

Someone said I was selfish for marrying him in the first place if I did indeed marry him for the wrong reasons. I don't think I consciously knew why I was marrying him though. I think I really had myself fooled into thinking I loved him for all the right reasons. So, technically, I shouldn't beat myself up for thinking I was selfish at the time...I just didn't know any better. Stupid and foolish might be the more correct terms.

Now, I feel selfish at times for even TELLING him that I have been unhappy. But then....WHY does he deserve a wife that never loved him for the right reasons? WHY do our children deserve to live in a household where this bubbling resentment lies? I honestly don't think a divorce would hurt them as much as them being surrounded by the perpetual lies.

I feel absolutely HORRIBLE having told my best friend of 12 years that I don't think I ever felt any sexual chemistry with him. But that's what we feel like...best friends, not lovers. And I keep telling myself...that even though it's terrible he didn't find out before we got married, or 7, or 5 years ago....just how bad it would be if I let it fester and told him in 5, 10-20 more years. At the rate we're going now, our children's lives would be in shambles.

I truly TRULY hope that counseling will work, but I must say, that I am going in with quite a bit of doubt. I'm doing a lot of reading and so much is starting to make sense to me of why I did the things I did.

Right now though I feel really bad...again like I'm lying. In order for my husband not to cry all day, he's trying to live in denial...at least until Tuesday until we can talk to a professional. He keeps saying, "We're going to work this out, everything is going to be ok, we're going to make it through this." He just won't let him think that the better part might be for us to not be together. I'm sure that is natural.

He has no friends to talk to, he needs someone besides me. Any men here have maybe any book suggestions for him? Thank you once again for letting me spill my guts.

Again, I'm a big girl...I appreciate your comments and I can take it....even if you think it sounds harsh. I know that this is a horrible situation that I've caused, and there are so many, "If only-s"
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panzade
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 11:35 am
Sometimes self-recrimination is not a victimless crime. See if you can forgive yourself and take advantage of a good man.
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justanotherhousewife
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 12:03 pm
panzade wrote:
Sometimes self-recrimination is not a victimless crime. See if you can forgive yourself and take advantage of a good man.


Could you explain the "take advantage of a good man" please? I don't understand that part. Thanks!
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panzade
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 12:09 pm
Having not read your previous post and taking what you wrote about your husband I got the feeling that he sincerely loves you and is trying to help overcome a marital crisis. Men often are solitary creatures when it comes to grief...I hope you 2 can go to counseling together and things will work out.
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justanotherhousewife
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 12:16 pm
Gotcha....thank you. Yes he IS a wonderful man. And your wording was interesting to me....as I think I HAVE been taking advantage of him this whole time. We shall soon see, I suppose. If he is not meant to be mine forever, then I hope that he will find that person he is meant tobe with and share his love AND have it returned. Wow that hurts to say that...that I haven't returned his love.
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panzade
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 12:20 pm
Reread my post...I'm suggesting that your low feelings of self worth are at the heart of the crisis. Can you repeat after me? "I did the best I could at the time" " I will do better when I get better"
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justanotherhousewife
 
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Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 12:22 pm
I did the best I could at the time. I will do better when I get better.


Ok....big sigh. Thank you...I needed to hear that and say that. I'm going to write that one down. Thank you once again.
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princesspupule
 
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Reply Sat 28 Aug, 2004 12:23 pm
You know, sometimes spouses or the equivalent thereof are best friends, and other times they are lovers. They are multi-layered and complex relationships. People have different needs at different times. Couples with one person having a high libido, while the other a low libido experience the complexities often and learn to negotiate through the frustrations of not getting all their needs met allt he time. I would ask you to consider that while yours isn't a case of hl/ll conflict, it is multi-layered, so therefore, work through one layer at a time.

I have been twice divorced, and can attest to the conflicts of divorce. For you, your spouse, your kids. The first time, my husband was nice about it, but like you, I had married without thinking about what I was doing, and thought I could do better than him. Rolling Eyes How selfish does that sound? So, I found another soulmate, who, unfortunately wasn't any better (worse, in fact,) and now I am on my 3rd soulmate. If I'd known in the beginning what I know now, I would have worked to keep the 1st soulmate, developed multiple layers of partnership. Relationships are about so much more than just sex! The grass will always appear greener some distance away. Just like it's greener over a septic tank. Water what you have, find and pick the flowers. And if it is so horrible, you can always do something about it later, but for your children's sakes, stay put and work on what you've got to make it the best it can be.
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Nathor
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2004 12:01 am
are you sure you're not my wife?
because I am going through almost the EXACT same problem.
I'm being positive too.. trying not to cry too... my wife is really beating herself up about this.. she feels so guilty. for me it's like a knee-jerk response to try to allay her guilt..
and i have to say. this is one of the first situations EVER in our relationship that I feel I have permission to really feel the pain of this rejection without the distraction of feeling partly responsible... I am a positive thinking person generally, but I can't see much of a way out of this other than to "start fresh" with her being honest about all of her feelings.. i mean maybe there would have been feelings for me had she not pretended there were thus cramping/disguising all real feelings... I don't want a divorce, neither does she.. we've got two kids and her parents are divorced so she knows how painful it can be for kids.... but also we want this to work.. my two cents.
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sozobe
 
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Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2004 09:02 am
Best of luck, Nathor...
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