Mon 2 May, 2016 10:04 am
I apologize in advance, because this is a long one. I'll try to explain as best as I can.
Have you guys seen the movie "The Other Woman", where a married man's wife and his mistresses join forces to punish him for his infidelity? I feel like I'm living a convoluted version of that.
My sister is a beautiful, intelligent girl. She's a registered nurse, and is currently engaged to a colossal douche bag. They have a son together, who just turned one.
When her and the douche bag got together, no one really liked him (he's kind of over bearing and argumentative), but it was fine. None of our business.
They move in together, things were alright, until one day she gets an email and then has a conversation with a girl who claims that her and the douche bag had been involved for three months and that she recently found out that he was living with my sister AND was also in a relationship with a coworker of his. Well, he comes home, she confronts him, and he admits to the coworker, who he says was a year prior and only two or three times, but says the girl she spoke to was a nutjob. She believes him, they break up for like five minutes, and then they're back together. Of course, because she told my family about the affair, we're pretty vocal about his douche baggery. So when they get back together, he's now working extra hard on making sure we're alienated from her.
A few months later, he proposes, she accepts. A few months after that, she's expecting. Fast forward to when she's nine months pregnant and finds out that the coworker wasn't a few times years before, but rather an ongoing affair that had been going on for YEARS. She calls my family, we get over to their condo while he's at work and move her out, including all the baby stuff, and she goes into labour two days later. At the hospital, he's there, saying how this child is going to change everything, he's so sorry, he doesn't work with that girl anymore, he'll cut off all communication and contact, he swears he wants to make their family work. She's in a hard position cause she just had a baby, so she takes him back.
So now, a year later, he's done a pretty good job of alienating her from the family, his son is barely allowed to come over here, at his first birthday party he barely even knew my parents because he's so attached to the douche bag's side of the family, and now for my mom's 60th birthday party this last weekend, they didn't even show up! We live 15 minutes away! So yeah, I'm pissed, and I think to myself, I'm going to contact the other woman, because that's something my sister has never done, because he's always convinced her to "let him handle it". She's a real estate agent, so her phone number is everywhere anyway, so I Googled her and I called her and basically just said hey do you know the douche bag. And she says "Yes of course, he's my boyfriend, why?" Turns out, they've been together for almost SIX YEARS. And he pulled it off because he's a lying psychopath! My sister would work 12 hour night shifts as a nurse. So he'd get home, she'd leave for work, and he would hide everything that indicated that she existed, before his "girlfriend" came over. The girlfriend doesn't think anything is off because she sees him all day at work, then spends the night at "his place" 4 or 5 nights out of the week so obviously he doesn't have a girlfriend, right? And then he told her that his mom was having financial troubles with her house so he was moving in with her, so she started visiting him at his mom's house (without her knowledge I'm sure), but mostly he would go over to her place so they could have some privacy. So basically, the condo stopped existing conveniently around the time my sister went on maternity leave, since now she's home and there's baby stuff everywhere, a little hard to hide.
This girl was FURIOUS and wanted to three way him immediately to confront him, but I convinced her not to, because that wouldn't help my sister, she wouldn't know what happened. And I can't just tell my sister, because he's convinced her that my family will basically say or do anything to break up her relationship (which is fair, but this is true!) So now I have an ally! But a tentative ally, because although she doesn't want anything to do with him, she's scared of making him an "enemy" by blowing up his sick little planet, she just wants to hit the eject button. But she's said if I think of something that lets my sister know but that doesn't make her the bad guy so to speak, she's down to cooperate. So now I need a plan! Please help?
In conclusion, he doesn't know that she knows, but she doesn't want to be the "culprit" in exposing him, but rather have it be a "happy accident".
Is your sister happy in her current relationship?
None of our business.
why do you think it is your business now?
When it was a personality clash, it really just came down to my sister being with someone that I wouldn't have chosen for myself. Which is fine. Why would it be my business when I'm not the one who's living with him? I even helped them go condo shopping. All love, all support.
This is different. This is my sister being deceived into being with someone who she wouldn't have chosen for herself. She's with a con artist who is putting her mental, physical, and emotional well being at risk, and it's not a risk that she would be okay with taking if she knew.
Some people believe in monogamy, some people don't, I'm in the "whatever floats your boat" camp, as long as everyone in the relationship is on board with whatever side you fall on. If it's all lies and deception, then it's not a relationship, and if you knew my sister, you'd know she deserves SO much more!
Hmmm. That's complicated.
I think she's trying her very best to make this work. She used her work benefits to sign them up for counseling, which I thought was a great idea (and it is, as long as both people are IN, and one isn't still hiding a side relationship). And although I think (and she's alluded to it) that the "love" part of their relationship is gone, she wants a certain life for her son, because she's a really, really good mom, and we grew up in a two parent home, and I think she wants him to have that too.
They argue constantly, every day, about nothing. He's said pretty openly that just looking at her gets him mad sometimes, and she's said that they don't do anything together as a family. She hangs out with the baby, and when he comes home, he takes the baby and hangs out with him, whether at the condo or he'll take him to his mom's house. That's from what she's told me.
In my personal (and unfounded) opinion, I think there's a part of her that spent years showcasing this as the "perfect" relationship - two professional and attractive people fall in love, get engaged, have a beautiful baby - and I think she's embarrassed. And when the baby was born and she left him, my mother in all her infinite old world wisdom at the hospital let her know that "men don't date single moms" so she was going to need to forget about focusing on men and focus on her son, because that part of her life was a write off. I think she feels stuck. And I want to help.
I think she's trying her very best to make this work.
And I want to help.
is revealing him as a jerk going to help your sister make the relationship work?
maybe try and figure out a way to let him know he will be exposed if he doesn't work through the counselling process? the counselling may help them end the relationship in a healthy way - try to get him to buy in on that?
I haven't seen that movie.
I have a feeling the real estate lady is going to handl e a lot of this issue.
Sister is under the influence of this sociopath. I'm surprised her counselor didn't help her see that. He uses the son to placate his own family, too.
Try to develop a relationship with the child. Is there a grandfather around? Maybe he can step in.
I think she feels stuck. And I want to help.
don't assume she wants to be helped out of the relationship
maybe she wants to be helped to make it work. can you help her with that or only with what you think she wants?
I know what she wants because she's pretty clear about what she wants. She wants a monogamous relationship and a strong male role model for her son. If you have advice as to how to get him to commit and be honest after years of lies and deception to make the relationship work and be that man, I'm all ears. Sounds a little farfetched though.
It seems though by your questions (correct me if I'm wrong) that you're more of the mindset that I should know everything and say nothing, which I understand is some people's prerogative. It's just not mine. I'd be happy to debate the pros and cons with you any other time, but this go around, respectfully, I'm just looking for ideas.
She seems nice oddly enough, although I'm inclined not to like/trust her. She just also seems to want to make a quiet exit without rocking the boat too much. My dad is around, he's the main reason why my sister has been so distant. He's pretty emphatic about the fact that this guy is no good, and we all know this, but when he brings it up at every turn, I can understand why at this point she's just got her defences up. I love my dad, but he can be a little much.
I did try to encourage the counselling as a really great way to make sure they could effectively co-parent, but I was accused of trying to advocate for him being a weekend dad, and he refuses to be anything less than a full time involved father. It's literally the only redeeming quality about him, the ferocity he has when it comes to his kid. I just wish that also made him not want to treat the mother of his child like garbage.
My perspective is that this could very easily end up with your sister even more estranged from your family than she already is. Trusting the other woman not to point the finger at you seems risky.
Is she willing to see your sister's partner again without giving away that she knows? could you arrange for your sister to see them together in a restaurant or something? (seems super-risky)
Super risky but I feel like there's no other option. It's a pretty good idea though. The real estate girl has said she just needs to think and she'll call me back tonight, so we'll see what kind of head space she's in, and how she's willing to cooperate.
I wish I had a family that let me know how much of a psychopath I married. You are doing the right thing, absolutely. Anyone who tells you to mind your own business isnt aware of the damage he is doing to all of your family. The people saying myob are abuse enablers.