Friendship just turned weird.

In terms of she doesn't want to hurt you, did you ever say that you didn't want her to date this guy? Is she breaking a promise or agreement?

I told her that I would be upset if they got together. And she went on with, "Oh I really don't want a boyfriend, and I don't want to make you upset. We're just friends."

Hmmmm.
This is a tough situation, Whisper. I am so sorry that your "friends" have betrayed your trust and confidence in this underhanded manner.

In your shoes, I would dump them both. They both deceived you. Your good friend lied to your face--and she's still playing you for a sucker (probably while she was listening as you revealed your feelings and enormous hurt over the break-up--not to mention your hopes of getting your ex back). She probably told your ex-boyfriend how sad you were about losing him and how you've been mooning over him for weeks.

Of course, he had his roving eye on your female friend. So, when he met with you and gave you mixed signals, probably the only thing that stopped him from making the moves on you was his fear that you would confide in HER. That would diminish his chances of getting together with HER.

Let those two have each other--move on--and NEVER bring that girl into your confidence again. If she cared how you felt, she would not have become involved with your ex-boyfriend when she obviously knew that would cause you PAIN.

I would not allow myself to be viewed as the pathetic third wheel in this "friendship" threesome. With friends like that, who needs enemies.

Whisper--LOVE YOURSELF enough to demand that your friends respect your feelings. If they don't--they're not your friends. Please respect yourself enough to move on and remove yourself from the lives of those who cause you pain. You don't need them. You have a wonderful life ahead of you!

Oh.

That wasn't very nice of her.

What's keeping you from confronting her?

Thank you, debra_law.

The only thing that is keeping me from confronting her is I know it'll probably cause drama and bring up feelings that I don't want to deal with. I feel like I've just gotten to a point since my break up that I don't feel stressed or anxious. And I'm afraid bringing myself into a situation like this will bring back old feelings.

And Debra, you're right. She knew how heartbroken I was and she knew how much our break up tore me apart. I confided in her. She too had just sufferend a break up, and her and my ex kind of ran to one another to distract themselves. I should have never believed they'd stay just friends.

I already have removed myself from my ex. Him and I don't talk at all, even with the class we share together .. I won't hardly even look at him.

Yeah, confrontations aren't fun.

I wouldn't put it nearly as strongly as debra; I can see how it's one of those things that just sort of happened and definitely aren't good, but aren't that earthshatteringly awful either. (I mean, you weren't actually still involved with him for example.) I think I'd make the decision as to whether to stay friends after confronting her -- seeing how that conversation goes, how she reacts.

Good luck!

double post

Whisper
I checked out your first post dated June 19th--approximately two weeks after your break-up:

"I want him back"

You wrote:



Is this the same friend who is now secretly dating your ex-boyfriend? If so, it explains a LOT.

Yes.

It's the SAME friend.

*huffs*

I remember some folks on that thread saw that coming...

Seems like she was 'in his loop' before the break up.

You don't need friends like that.

So you were still involved.

*huffs on your behalf*

She played you. Damn creating problems and drama, do what you feel. If that means calling her everything but a child of God, or whatever, so be it.

They were both dishonest with you.
Whisper:

Both your ex-boyfriend and your girl friend were dishonest with you.

He was dishonest with you concerning his reasons for breaking up with you. He should have told you that he was interested in someone else (your friend) rather than leave you wondering what went wrong--instead of leaving you to suffer the pain without knowing why.

As soon as she broke up with her last boyfriend--he broke up with you.

Your girl friend should have been honest with you. The entire time that you trusted her and confided in her--she was seeing your ex-boyfriend behind your back and lying to your face.

Their dishonesty didn't make the break-up easier for you--it made it so much worse.

Your only consolation now is that you know the truth. Even if it hurts, knowing the truth will help you to move on.

Take care of yourself!

wow, good sleuthing debra!

i know what it feels like to have your friends go behind your back like this, whisper...

i guess you need to decide if you still want to be her friend while she is going to continue dating him. if so, then you need to confront her and let her know that you know, and that you still want to be friends although you are hurt.

if not, you still need to let her know that you know...so that she understands why you wont be talking to her anymore.

edit-- apparenty there was another page to this discussion which i didn't notice so my comments might be a little out of place

I've now found out that just two days after we broke up, he was already holding her hand and telling her how wonderful she was. He even told her that it was "A relif to hang around someone that wasn't so "bleah" and just there."

Of course, he was talking about me.

I lost my virginity to this guy a month before he broke up with me. A few people have mentioned that he probably just got what he wanted and then dumped me. I would have trusted this guy with my life, and I did trust him with my heart.

It sickens me.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful adivce you've given me. Someday I will find someone worthy of my love. But at the moment I can't help but think that I thought this guy was the most trustworthy and sweet person ever ..... and he ended up doing all this ****. I feel like if I can't trust him, who can I trust?

Well, first off, I'm sorry this happened.

As for being unable to trust others, I think that's an understandable reaction right now. In time, though, I think you'll come to recognize that he probably just talked a good game (lots of people do), and apparently so did she.

Then they deserve one another. If a rat like him - a man who would hop into the next relationship before ending the first - is willing to be with a gal who wouldn't hesitate to hurt a good friend this way, well, like I said, they deserve each other.

There are a lot better people out there, both male and female. Most people are not like this. It's gonna be okay.

This reminds me of a bad experience I had, except I was the guy. And I ended up doing the same thing. But I didn't mean to do it, I was just confused...I thought that I loved her, but then after things started to get real, I realized that not only did I not love her, but I felt like such an idiot for thinking that I did love her before that everyime I saw her I was reminded of this, and so I immediately had the urge to stop seeing her. Maybe something like this happened with your guy...people can just be confused sometimes.

Whisper
Whisper!

Sweetie, if you were my dear daughter, I would give you a big hug right now and tell you how special you are. I would take you to a good movie and then out for a soda and a big plate of french fries. We would have a long "feel good" talk.

Growing up isn't easy because emotions run so strong -- yet young people don't have the foundation or base of personal experiences to draw upon inwardly and to put things into perspective.

Whisper, please realize that your ex-boyfriend did not break up with you because you have a dull personality. You most certainly are not "bleah!" I have no doubt that you light up every room that you walk into. You're sweet, you're trusting, you're loving, you're mild mannered, and you're intelligent! You have a good command of the English language. That shows that you have taken advantage of your educational opportunities. (Smart girl!) You also have a good sense of humor.

You are special in so many ways and that specialness shines through in all your posts.

So, the question is this: Why did your ex-boyfriend affectionately hold your (former) girl friend's hand and tell HER how exciting it was to be with HER in comparison to YOU?

The answer is easy. Relationships go through stages.

THE BRAND NEW RELATIONSHIP: There is nothing in this world more exciting than the feeling of NEW LUST. (I almost said, "new love," but that isn't quite right. The feeling is indeed "new lust.") No matter how old you get, you always remember that emotional HIGH that is so typical in the beginning of a new relationship -- the exhilaration of seeing that new person's smiling face, hearing that new person's voice, and holding that new person's hand. It's the NEWness that's so exciting. You can't concentrate on other "stuff" because the thoughts of that new lustful person keep popping in your head.

And, that's what your ex-boyfriend was feeling when he held your girl friend's hand the first few times. He was feeling raging hormones and the excitement of being with someone new.

She was just NEW to him. That's why he was excited. It had nothing to do with you or your personality. He was with you for a year--the relationship had matured--and he grew comfortable with you.

As time goes on, relationships mature and that initial excitement over the newness of the relationship fades away. Relationships MUST move forward in order to be healthy and happy. How could people survive, concentrate on work, raise families, accomplish tasks if they're always on this emotional high? The overwhelming excitement of new love cannot be sustained.

People in relationships grow comfortable with each other. That's the way relationships are supposed to go. However, your ex-boyfriend confused his comfort around you as something that was bad--when it's not bad at all--it's just the natural course of a relationship.

That only proves that he's not ready to be in a mature relationship. He yearns for the excitement of new lust. It's only a matter of time before his excitement over his new girlfriend fades and his eyes will wander again.

The true test of a good relationship--a relationship that will last--comes when the relationship matures and the couple feel comfortable together and still want to stay together because they can't imagine being with anyone else no matter how old or frumpy your loved one becomes.

Someday, you will find the right person for you. And--all the experience you are gaining as you grow older and move from one dating relationship to another will help you to identify that special person when he finally does come into your life.

You have nothing to feel ashamed or sickened about. This has been a learning experience for you--an experience to build upon--and one that has given you valuable knowledge that you can draw upon in the future.

Be happy, Whisper!

Hugs from your "surrogate mom."

First of all, it's a rare first love that is also the last. We've all been there and we've all felt the pain you're feeling now (no cure for that as far as I know). Aside from the "first" pain, all this talk of confrontation is counterproductive. Two people you care a lot about, or used to at least, have found a love that makes them happy. Try to be happy for them both. Your relationship was obviously doomed, sorry. If you separate that pain from the displaced anger at the happiness of your "friends", you will likely be a happier, better person for it. I learned that one from the most genuinely decent human being I've ever known. Think it through and maybe the healing power of forgiveness will find you sooner rather than later.