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Thu 28 Apr, 2016 06:23 pm
I met my good guy friend a little over a year ago. At the time we both had just gotten out of long term relationships when we first started hanging out. We kissed here and there, but nothing serious happened, as shortly after he went back with his ex-girlfriend. I was starting to develop feelings for him, but I kept quiet about them. We stopped talking during the period, and sure enough he and his ex-girlfriend broke up a couple months later. He then started contacting me again and we hooked up a few times. However, I didn’t want to get attached to him due to what happened previously. Shortly after, I met my current boyfriend. My good guy friend would talk here and there, but not as much. My boyfriend is in the military and has been deployed for two months now (we’ve only been dating for 5 months now). In that time, my good guy friend and I talk almost every day and we hang out at bars, parties, etc frequently since we have mutual friends together. I see him probably close to three to four times a week. He hasn’t made any moves on me, however we do joke around a lot. A couple weeks ago, he had been drinking a lot and he started texting me while sitting next to me at a bonfire. He kept telling me how I was the nicest girl he’s ever known and how much he appreciates and cares about me. He then told me that he knows I am taken but sometimes he wishes he was mine. He doesn’t remember this, so I just ignored it completely. Recently, my boyfriend and I have been going through some hard times (it is first deployment, as mine) so we are still adjusting to the distance. It has been really hard me and my guy friend has been my support throughout this. Yesterday, my guy friend and I were texting and he wrote me this message because he thought I needed to hear it. It said “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I do love you. As a friendly way. I care about you. It’s been a long time since I’ve told anyone I loved them. I appreciated what he said to me, but it took me aback. I know he said in a friendly way, but I’ve never had any guy friends tell me that they “love me” before. I feel like I am 16 years old again, trying to decode what this means. But does anyone have any suggestions on what is going on with this guy?
@ccuf5695,
ccuf5695 wrote:he wrote me this message because he thought I needed to hear it.
this invariably means they want to say something they know they shouldn't
you didn't need to hear it
you're in a relationship with someone else and he's trying to cross the friendship/******* line without looking so bad
it still looks, and is, bad
What's to decode?
He loves you, as a friend.
ehbeth is right. He wants you, and he is prompting you to give him the green light. Will you give him the green light, or will you give him the red light. Keep in mind that not giving him the red light is giving him the green light. You know what you have to do, right? What will you do?
What are your ages and how long is this military deployment?
What is the understanding between you and your soldier (promise to "wait" for him? does he expect you to be exclusive to him?)
You KNOW where this "friendship" is going. This other guy is having feelings for you.
If you are not free to explore these feelings with him, then do him a favor and cut ties with him.
This whole thing is not fair to all involved.
@PUNKEY,
We are all 21. My boyfriend has been deployed since beginning of March until January 2017, so for about 10 months. My boyfriend and I are exclusive- I would never cheat on him while he is away and my good friend does know this.
@ccuf5695,
ccuf5695 wrote:I feel like I am 16 years old again, trying to decode what this means. But does anyone have any suggestions on what is going on with this guy?
I can only speculate, but it is possible that he is falling in love with you and is trying to figure out how you feel, in a way that won't ruin your friendship by making things awkward if it turns out that you are not interested.
It is also possible that he didn't mean anything at all by it. Sometimes people say things that are taken the wrong way.
If you are not currently interested in a romantic relationship with him, you might want to think about a non-awkward way of signaling that back to him, just in case you need to send that signal.
@ccuf5695,
You've been friends for quite a while now and you love hanging out together and you rely on each other. Having a friend like this is hard to find, he probably will be your friend for a long time to come, so keep him as a friend.
Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go, but good friends stay!
Don't make the mistake of entering into a relationship with him, in the end you lose a friend and a boyfriend and trust me, it's will hit you much harder to lose his (platonic) friendship.
Men don't need a lot of encouragement to enter a sexual relationship, it's up to the woman to keep them in line, so it will be up to you to keep it platonic.
@CalamityJane,
The perceived homunculus in our heads, I believe, has a totally different function in men and women. The female homunculus is directing a great movie that goes back to early childhood. The male homunculus is just codifying all the fun things one did since early childhood. Two different perspectives on existence, I believe. My point? The only benefit in hooking up with anyone, of any gender, is to spend less time looking for a friendly voice. The problem is that once the genders were domesticated by culture, there just aren't enough decent adoptive folk around. The animal shelter understands the problem.
No wonder there are so many people in urban America walking a dog. The dog understands friendship.
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