How do I keep my chances with this guy alive?

Forums: Relationships, Advice, Post-Breakup Traumatized, Sensitive, Dating
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I met a guy online and we seemed to hit it off really fast. Even before we met in person, we exchanged maybe 30-40 messages a day. The first date went well; he said he hoped to see me again and I said sure, I'd love that. Our communication continued to be awesome. He is a busy person but he always answered my texts very warmly, lots of smileys and much laughter, a ton of mutual appreciation and many complements on both sides.

We agreed to meet again next Tuesday but didn't specify when and where exactly. He said he'd call me Monday night around 11pm. I stayed up for him until 12:30am when he texted me saying that his event is taking longer than expected and if we could talk the next day. I said yes and told him I'd be free after 12:30pm tomorrow. He called around 4:30. I complained very gently and politely about him not calling on time last night and said I wished he'd at least text me sooner if he couldn't talk. Suddenly he completely turned around. Said he had just got out of a terrible relationship with a super-obsessive controlling guy, and he really didn't want to see me anymore. I tried to explain that I was not aware of his sensitivity and now that I understand, I'll not bug him about such things. He said OK, but he said he didn't want anything serious right now and didn't want to bound himself to me and wasn't ready to commit. For the next two days he answered my texts very coldly and eventually stopped answering altogether.

I really like this guy and believe that under normal circumstances we would have a chance at a really great relationship. I understand that I inadvertently brought back his disturbing memories. I want to keep my chances with him alive and support him during his healing phase; but I also don't want to look desperate (because I am not, I just genuinely like him as a person) or play the role of a therapist.

Help me out guys. What's my best shot? How should I go about this? Any insights or comments are highly appreciated.

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 3,901 • Replies: 11

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Sounds like you were too pushy early on and maybe scared him off. All you can do is wait and see if he wants to resume contact. If he doesn't, move on, and learn from this.

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@Tes yeux noirs,

Or he is just not interested by a romantic relation with her.

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@housaradin,

In general, I assume people are telling the truth. If I wanted to get rid of somebody, I simply do it by getting more and more aloof and not baking up silly excuses like "it's me, not you" etc. Therefore I do NOT suggest you are scaring somebody off. It is perfectly normal to genuinely like someone and congratulation for this experience!

If this is really truth, I would see it would be pointless to push anything, or even counterproductive. Yeah, bad relationships might have devastating effect and so he might need space but realized it several day after your first encounter. So, if this is a case, there is basically nothing you can do but to give him space. Be just friends or loosed up a bit communication. If he likes you, he will return. If not, it will be his loss, not yours: you lost someone who did't care about you but he lost someone who genuinely liked him!

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The fire is out.

Now you are just impatient, needy, and irritating.

Step back - way back.

And stop waiting by the phone.

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Quote:

I complained very gently and politely about him not calling on time last night and said I wished he'd at least text me sooner if he couldn't talk. Suddenly he completely turned around.

Whether you complained gently and politely or harshly and rudely is not the point. The problem is that you complained at all. Coming over all entitled and aggrieved is very off-putting. In a way, being polite about it adds an extra repulsive tinge of passive aggression.

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@Tes yeux noirs,

yeah? You know, some people, who have some confidence and compassion don't mind if somebody likes them. Complaining about missed opportunity is such sing.

OP, don't let others hurt your confidence. It is not worth it. They are not.

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Not sure what you're trying to say here, Banterbury. I may be happy if someone likes me, maybe not, if they are a flake or they start complaining 5 minutes into a relationship. Liking someone does not entitle the liker to start whining.

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@Tes yeux noirs,

I am trying to say there are just a few lines of text, too little to be judgmental of this. There might be X other explanations.

I am also trying to say that every other post ends up in bashing of OPs and I don't like that. People don't turn to others to get criticism. If you can't say smt. positive to a person, better not to say anything. This is a counselling, not a court. Imagine going to a therapist and instead of compassion and objective feedback you get criticism to your personality. Would you visit him again? She did not ask "what do you think of me?" her question was "how can I keep this guy" so either answer that or don't answer at all.

But this this is nothing personal to you, almost everybody here is like that and I am not happy about that. I am loosing trust into this community and getting impression people here are commenting not to help but to compensate for smt.

"I complained very gently and politely about him not calling on time last night" -> "you are whining."

Think of it.

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@housaradin,

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't follow the basic courtesies of letting you know of changes in plans? do you even want to have a friend like that?

Can you change your fundamental desire to be treated with respect? do you want to change that?

__

if you're chill with changing your basic behaviours / beliefs and expectations , then go for it.

I think you're well out of it - learning that he's got some issues to sort through early on is good.

He doesn't seem to be a guy who is in a good place to be considered for a relationship. He might be ok as part of a group of friends, so it's not so bad if he doesn't follow through on plans.

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@housaradin,

housaradin wrote:

I'll not bug him about such things.

it seems so weird that you feel it was bad to let him know that it would have been nice to be informed of a change in his plans. he screwed up on basic politeness. that's not something wrong with you.

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@ehBeth,

you know, EhBeth, just saying but I did make a few promises, set up a few dates that I missed too and it was not a show of disrespect from my side. I apologized and tried to fix this errors of mine.

What I mean this post is too thin in details to make any conclusion, trust me in this...

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How do I keep my chances with this guy alive?

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