My parents

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My parents and I haven't always had the best relationship, and lately i'm at the point where I don't even wanna tell them anything about my life. I have always liked to talk about what i'm doing in my life, maybe get advise, or maybe I just need someone to listen, but they are not supportive in anyway on any decision i make in my life. They are nice to my face, but then complain to my sibling about all the so called stupid things i'm doing with my life. I think it's time for me to say nothing to them, I feel as though they have alienated me. Parents are supposed to be suportive and surly shouldn't complain to my other siblings. I don't know why they are like this. I dunno, I basically just needed to vent, thanks for reading.

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Hey Stand. I think everyone feels that way. I don't usually ask my mother for advise even though at 75 she says she's "older and wiser". I am 44 years old. I can figure things out.

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I usually don't ask for advise either, but it's nice to know that if I need them that they will be their open minded to my opinions instead of calling me down.

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That's the thing about people, sometimes they aren't open minded. This doesn't mean you should feel less affection for your parents, but you probably wont be able to change the either.

Have you spoken to your parents abou the way you feel?

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I have slightly in the past. My sister usually sticks up for me, telling them (mainly my mother) that I will do what I want regardless, and to just leave it alone and stop complaining about it.

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I have been hanging around this site for years and I seriously have never seen anyone bring such vitriol to the table as Stand up for Pessimism.

She's a nice gal and all of that, but the problems!

Do we deserve this?

Don't we have problems of our own?

Jesus Christ! I lost a friggin sandpiper last week!

A rare friggin' bird!

And Standup complains about her parents?

Please

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Just talk about the weather... that's what I do.

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Well, we gotta let it out somewhere...lol...and since you don't know me, it shouldn't effect you or I in the process! Thanks Gus...lol!

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Well, the way I see it you have two options; you can either shut your parents out of your life, or you can sit them down and talk about it.

If you choose the latter, make sure that they know it's serious and how it's affecting your relationship with them. Be calm, never judgemental, just tell them the way it is. This can yield the best resuts but it will be the most difficult for you (and them).

If you choose the former you can still have a relationship with your parents, but it will be as acquaintances rather than family. It's easier in the short term, but sooner or later it's going to have an impact on you, and not a good one.

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stand up ...--

As I read your post, your discontent comes because your problems--for which you ask advice from your parents--are turned into family gossip currency.

Your problems are trivialized by becoming conversational fodder.

Since the nightmare horse annoys you, don't feed the nightmare horse.

Possibly your parents are worried about your emotional dependence. Possibly your parents are using your problems as substitutes for their own.

Solution: Quit sharing. Cold turkey, quit sharing.

Hold your dominion.

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I don't want to shut them out, I just figure, why even tell them anything ahead of time. They can find out after the fact, after i've done more "stupid things". The sick thing is, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't get in trouble with the law, or anything else of good reason to disaprove of me. I work, have a job, i havn't lived at home since I was 17. I don't ask them for money, they are true pessimists! Hmm, I wonder why I am the way I am...lol They plan for bad things that don't even happen in my life. So do, but I don't tell them about it. It's their lives.

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stand up for...yourself--

Your parents are broadcasting news of a child that you are not.

Do you want to cooperate? If not, why are you cooperating?

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Stand up - my relationship with my parents when I was in my early 20s was much the same as you described. In my case, the passage of a few years worked many of the problems out. I hope the same thing happens with you and your parents.

My father just turned 85, and my mother is 83. Every year when I come home on leave they are noticably older and more frail, and I fear this will be the last time I will ever see them. I said a lot of unkind things all those years ago, and I bitterly wish I could take them back now.

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Noddy24 wrote:

stand up ...--

As I read your post, your discontent comes because your problems--for which you ask advice from your parents--are turned into family gossip currency.

Your problems are trivialized by becoming conversational fodder.

Since the nightmare horse annoys you, don't feed the nightmare horse.

Possibly your parents are worried about your emotional dependence. Possibly your parents are using your problems as substitutes for their own.

Solution: Quit sharing. Cold turkey, quit sharing.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks noddy, sorry I missed this post somehow last night. You advise is exactly what my sister said and I intend on taking it. I guess I still feel kind of under them in a way. We live in the same town, so it makes it kinda hard, although I 'm moving to the city in a couple weeks so that should help.

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Standup--

Distance will help. Meanwhile, hold your dominion.

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I have a similar problem with my mother. When I tell her what's going on in my life, I have to listen to all of the things that could possibly go wrong and why my decisions are bad ones.

So, I don't tell her what's going on. Then she complains that I'm keeping secrets! Confused

I think parents have a problem not being judgemental when it comes to their children, no matter how old they are.

You have to tell them how you feel and if that doesn't work, don't tell them anything. It's not easy but it may be better than the alternative.

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Hmm.. what kind of things are you telling them? That would really help. As far as relationships with parents.. to tell you the truth, I have a great one. I don't tell my mom about the time I was so drunk I got lost at a party.. This is reserved for close friends! But I DO share with my mom how much I love her, how much I appreciate her. We go shopping or watch TV together on the couch with coffee flavored ice cream. I love asking her questions about my past.. the things I can't remember and she'll tell me really cute and funny stories. My parents always told me family love is unbreakable. No one should come between you and your family. I would try to keep it real with your parents. Let them know how you feel, but be respectful!! No one demands more respect than your parents!! Try to listen to what they're trying to tell you, and if they bring you down or patronize you, let them know. It would be a shame to not have a relationship with your parents!! The thing that really helps loosen up my parents is asking them about my childhood. They love it! To your parents, you will always be there baby girl, and they just want to protect you and want the best for you. Parents try to see a little of themselves in their children. Good luck!! I hope you can get on the level with them.

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mchol wrote:

Hmm.. what kind of things are you telling them?quote]

Basically just normal everyday things that go on in my life. Like, i'm moving in a couple weeks, so I told them we (my bf and I) haven't found a place yet, but have a few we're thinking about. I'm looking at buying a different vehicle, and my mother thinks I should just get the old one fixed. It's an 87 tempo, it's had it's time, i want something better...lol. I'm taking some courses through correspondence, now after deciding not to go directly to school. She thinks it's a bad idea, I won't learn anything, I have no motivation......I don't tell her these things, to complain, or ask for money or anything, maybe just a little support. Basically I just thought I could just have a normal conversation with her, like I would my friends, obviously not a good idea. Like I said before, i'm not looking to shut her out of my life, I would never do that, i'm just gonna make my decisions without talking to her first.

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You're a wonderful level headed young lady SUFM. Remember this: you can choose your friends but you can't choose your parents. And for added effect: The child is father to the man. Keep the faith. Treat them well. Soon there will be equilibrium.

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