What to do when man is withdrawn

Right man at the wrong time?

Wrong man at the right time?

You need to figure this out.

The only answer I can think of is communication, which it sounds like you are already doing.

He has made it clear that he wants the relationship. He has also communicated that things are happening in his life and that he feels pressure. What he feels is just something you have to accept.

You should make sure that he knows how you feel. It is best to express your feelings as your feelings only, don't blame him for how you feel. Your feelings are just things that you have to accept.

My advice is that you tell him exactly what you have said here. Definitely tell him that you are happy when he initiates communication. And tell him that it hurts when you feel he is withdrawing. You also have to let him know where you are in the relationship and if he is reaching a point where he risks losing you... if we love someone we can tolerate a lot of difficulty for them, but there is also a point in any healthy relationship where things will no longer work. You need to communicate this as well.

Then you and he together can focus on things you can do to strengthen the relationship even through a difficult time. Tell him the things that he can do, even while he is feeling this pressure, to reassure you and to make you feel better. Then listen carefully to what he tells you about what he wants and needs whether that is space or reassurance.

As far as whether you should initiate contact more, why not ask him? Tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable and that you need to feel connection with him and let him tell you what he needs. Then you can figure out a way to meet both of your needs.

'Mixed messages' is the hardest thing I've encountered when in this situation. In my case, after an 18 month long distance relationship (but didn't start that way) there were always verbal reassurances that 'the relationship was everything', ' love you with all my heart', etc. but in the end it was the silent messages that were the real ones. Even when I assured them that I could accept that I might not be right one for them I was assured that I was.

It sounds like this guy really does like you, enough that he can't bear to hurt you, but it is not the kind thing to do to offer reassurance when in the end you know it's not going to work.

Nothing for you to do but prepare yourself for any eventuality. He might well decide you are the partner he wants even if he isn't sure right now.

I feel like he's been honest with how he feels. He's just not sure what to do.....if he needs space or not. He certainly sounded upset about us losing each other. I'm not sure if I should leave him alone and let him be....let him come to me....no initiating contact. Or send him my usual good morning text like I do when I wake up on my side of the world but be sparse. I don't want to make him feel like I'm giving up if he doesn't want to...but I also don't want to be stung along.

Like I said in my reply to Leadfoot: I feel like he's been honest with how he feels. He is giving an honest answer about not knowing what to do. I would think if he's simply had a change of heart and didn't want this anymore he'd say when I asked. It's also the things he's not saying anymore...like he used to say he missed me all the time, he'd call me sweet pet names, and we had our own acronyms like LLL for Like, Lust, Love you....etc. Those have become sparse or not at all. I haven't told him that the withdrawing really hurts me. We haven't had a chance to talk on the phone since he's been on a work trip. I don't think text is good for that. When he said he didn't want to talk about us losing each I responded and told him me either and the thought it makes me sad.

I just feel stuck not knowing if I should leave him alone and let him be....let him come to me....no initiating contact. Or send him my usual good morning text like I do when I wake up on my side of the world. Our text conversations are so different lately. It just hurts.

I didn't mean to imply that he wasn't being honest, he probably doesn't know what to do (a common human condition). But when it involves another as intimately as this, it is your duty to figure that out, either alone or with the other.

I think you have the right idea. Be sparce, perhaps every other day, even less if his distance seems to increase.

@maxdancona
@Leadfoot
@maxdancona
@Leadfoot
Great advice & thoughts. The major life complexities are divorce for both of us. We are NOT the cause of our D's, but life's timing for us to fall in love wasn't exactly ideal. Both knew it was a risk getting involved at this time, but here we are! Can't turn it off just bc of timing. For him it's much more complex bc kids involved (10 & 14). I’m a lot further in the process & no kids so it’s not as complicated. We wanted to kept our relationship quiet until divorces are final so it doesn't get messy mainly for his kids. I completely understand why he's feeling the pressure. Neither of us feel good about feeling like we have to be secret.

So far he's still communicating. I'm giving him space without him actually asking for it. Haven’t initiated text everyday and been sparse. He seems to initiated when I don't and when I'm sparse he text things like "I want you to know my current predicament has nothing to do with you. You are wonderful in every way.” We’ve talked on the phone twice (both initiated by him). I did say I can't pretend I don't feel sad & hurt when I feel him withdrawing. I also said I know he doesn't want to talk about us losing each other, but it feels like I'm losing him. He said he was sorry and didn't want me to feel that way. He said he never wants me sad or hurt...only wants me happy.

I've told him I'd accept anything he felt he needs as I don't want to make anything more complicated. I just need to know. I told him I’m a “rip the bandaid off” type person and not to save my feelings. I asked if we need go no contact for awhile...he didn't like that. Said he can't imagine no contact and certainly doesn’t want to go months of no contact. He said he honestly felt stuck and is in a bad spot...we both are…and can’t answer when he’ll be out of that bad spot (or when we both will be). I had plans to see him my next trip back to the US which is in 2 weeks. He’s still excited to see me.

It doesn’t sound hopeless, but I’m prepared for any outcome. I’m just not sure how to handle going from sharing like we usually do to holding back now....or if I should hold back. I only hold back bc he became withdrawn and started holding back. I miss sharing the way we always have sooo much. I get so sad and I'm struggling with that part. I know men don’t think or react like women when they’re stressed….they go into a cave. I’m a woman so it’s hard for me to imagine how someone can pull back from the person they love.

Does it sound like I’m wasting my time? Or does it sound like I should be patient?

Be patient but don't give a pass because he is a man.

I understand tough circumstances (my two daughters were 10 and 14 when I divorced) but even as a man, the last thing I'd want is to cut my communications short with the one I hoped to be partners with. If I thought I really could not be there emotionally or physically for them because of circumstances, I would owe it to them to tell them straight out.

He seems to definitely want to continue communication. Since different countries text is main way we communicate. It's hard to tell through text exactly how someone is really feeling. I'm in love with this man and just hurts that it's changed. I can't force him to snap out of it...his kids are his world. Although he's been honest, it's not a lot to go on when he says he feels stuck & not sure what to do but he doesn't want me out of his life. He said he loves me & was in love with me many times before he started feeling withdrawn. But since he's been withdrawn he hasn't said "I love you please wait for me through all this." Should that be a big red flag? I'm being patient but he could be running the risk of losing me if he stays withdrawn too long.

From your words it is not possible for me to know just what you mean by 'withdrawn', but if that is what he is, yeah, big red flag.

His withdrawal feels more like holding back.
SOME BACK INFO: My life complexities started really heating up right before a 13 day trip to the jungle. I wasn't going to be able to communicate for days at a time. I suggested we use that time to take a break and think about next steps. He seemed ok & agreed. When I could text I sent him I miss you & thinking of you. He responded every time....even initiated. When I got back (Feb 24th) I could tell his text were a little different but he was anxious to hear about my trip. He was really wanting to see my face on video chat. He was excited to see me on video as he always was. Ended on a good note and he text me later that day saying Hi, etc. Next day his text just stopped after only a few. It was first time he'd just stopped texting. I did not freak ou. I sent a calm “I genuinely hope everything is ok” text after I knew he’d gone to sleep (mid-day on my side of the world). The next day he sent me a good morning sweet _______(my name) ….I responded keeping it friendly but really casual. He eventually said he was sorry he’d been withdrawn just overwhelmed with life's complexities. Said I understand and that he can talk to me about anything. He said he needed to figure it out (we both do). I asked him if he needed space, he said he didn’t know….his exact words “I don’t know…sweet thing.” He said I don’t know what to do. I told him losing him would not make me happy and it’s not what I want, but if he felt he needed that kind of break, I'd respect him. That’s when he said: "I don't want to talk about losing each other"….fast forward...

Now we are here. It’s been about 3 weeks. I’ve been giving space without him asking. I don’t send good morning text every morning like usual. He does initiate when I don’t text him and seems interested in my days…always ask what are you doing today? He calls me "Sweets" sometimes and has said I do miss you. He's said quite a few times that his current bad spot has nothing to do with me and he says I'm wonderful in every way. I’m going to US in a few weeks in which he still wants to see me. So, he’s still there…just distant & holding back. Does it sound like I’m doing the right thing? Should I say how much I miss him and want to see him …or hold back more?

So this is a long-distance relationship?

and he has two kids and feels that his life is full of complexities? I bet. Single dads are often overwhelmed.

I think you need face to face, actual TALKING to each other about all these issues. Don't try to solve them by text.