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We got married and everything fell apart?

 
 
CR233
 
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 06:25 pm
My husband and I dated for about 2 years before marriage, but 1 year of that time was spent apart, so we didn't actually live together until we got married. Dating was great. We got along perfectly and had sex often and everything was fine. Being apart for a year was tougher but we still got through it. About one month before I was supposed to leave for school (the reason we were apart for one year) he told me that this girl that he used to SnapChat with had texted him a screenshot of him asking to meet up with her and she replied with "but what about your gf?" and he replied "I don't care about her." It was right around the time we'd gotten into an argument because some guy I used to know texted me about having sex (I didn't solicit). He said she was mad about what he'd sent her and that she'd threatened to text the screenshot to me, so he freaked out and deleted it and blocked her on facebook.

At the time, I figured I could either take his word for it or doubt him. I took his word for it, although I told him it made him seem pretty shady that he deleted her texts. He also waited 3 days to tell me about it. Then 2 months later we spent a year apart. Things seemed okay during our time apart (he even proposed a few months after I started school) and we got married when I finished school one year later. We moved in together and things have been awful ever since. Not because we live together - I was worried about that - but we coexist pretty well. But we never have sex. Ever. We've been married like 8 months now and we've had sex maybe 4-5 times. Sad

And I haven't changed or suddenly gained a lot of weight or anything. If anything I lost weight for the wedding. Before I left, we used to have sex 3-4 times a WEEK. Now it's just never. I've tried talking to him about it so many times but nothing ever changes. He claims he doesn't watch porn and that he just "doesn't want it" and that he "got used to not having it." But during our long distance relationship he was always bugging me to send him naked pictures or videos or whatnot! It doesn't make sense Sad

I'm not always with him (I work 5 days a week while he does 3 12's) so I guess he could be cheating. I don't know. I feel like anything is possible anymore. Although he did move to a completely new area to start a life with me, so you wouldn't think he'd move all the way out here to be with me just so he could shack up with someone else, but who knows.

I feel like giving up. I've brought up counseling and he doesn't want to do that. I've tried talking to him about our issues and he just blows me off each time. I'm just so tired of this. I don't want to just quit, but how am I supposed to try when the person I'm with won't try??? Honestly considering divorce pretty seriously. And we've only been married 8 months. I've officially become everything that is wrong with marriage in the U.S. :/

I never thought I'd get married. I've just seen way too many people get screwed over by their spouse.

I thought he was a decent guy. We get along fine usually, although the lack of sex has definitely caused irrational arguments over nothing. But he's generally nice and helps me and tries to make me happy. Now I'm wondering if he's secretly not nice at all - maybe he's just another dirtbag guy who thought I'd be an easy target. I would like to think I'd be able to tell the difference, but I've SEEN so many girls marry guys who are just jerks and they are somehow completely oblivious to it...

I'm really afraid that's happened to me.

I've done a little recon on his computer and phone, even though I feel ridiculous for feeling the need to stalk my own husband - but I didn't find anything. The trouble is, I think he'd be way too smart to just leave anything for me to find. He's good with computers and electronics.

He could probably cheat and get away with it.

I should just get a divorce, shouldn't I.

UGH. Marital bliss my ass.
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onevoice
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 Mar, 2016 02:21 pm
@CR233,
No one can tell you what decision would be the right one for you. It is your life after all and you have to live with the results of that choice, not us. However, I can tell you this: All relationships are a two way street. If you're in any kind of relationship that is truly one way, as in one party is putting in all the effort to keep it moving forward or even alive, you are not in a relationship that's going to last.

Eventually a person ends up right where you are. Exhausted and confused. Relationships are WORK. They take effort, honesty, patience, and understanding on both sides to become something great. It would appear there are some that just fall into this wonderful scenario where they are perfect for each other, get married, and ride off into the sunset. (Thanks Hollywood for over emotionalizing it all and giving young girls such an unrealistic idea of what relationshipsare supposed look like... NOT)

The truth is truly beautiful relationships are birthed out of ugliness. I am sure that sounds crazy but it's true. You bring two people together who are undeniability different... Different values, different ideals, different backgrounds and upbringings, different sexes which in and of itself is more than enough to cause confusion to both parties... Lol

And now these two separate lives have to find a way to become one life... Heading in the same direction. It can never happen if only one is contributing to the effort. I promise you this... If the other person is not contributing at all, they are really not all too interested in whether or not the relationship survives. Learned that lesson the hard way myself.

Do yourself a favor though honey. Never chase a man. It's really not worth it and almost always ends similar to this. You are beautiful, and deserving of someone who values you as a person. When that person comes along, you won't have to chase him.
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ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 Mar, 2016 02:40 pm
@CR233,
CR233 wrote:
I feel like giving up. I've brought up counseling and he doesn't want to do that.


if he doesn''t want to go for counselling with you, go on your own.

1. it will help you go forward with whatever you decide to do
2. he will see you are serious about making changes - with or without him

take care of yourself
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Mar, 2016 09:54 am
@ehBeth,
I agree with ehBeth and that was exactly my thought - if he won't go with you - go for yourself. It might help you in knowing how to deal with it and how to help repair and work with your husband -- or also help you decide if you should not work on your marriage and end it.

My husband was married previously - in hind site he married too quickly and too young; when they had difficulties he suggest getting counseling - she refused and he went on his own. The worst case, it helps you deal with a failed marriage and how to go on --- best case, it could entice your husband to eventually go with you if he sees it helping you.
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