Wife Dropped a Bomb

Warning: Long story

Background: My wife and I met through our mothers, who had worked together and known eachother for thirteen years. I am in the military and was on my way to Japan for a year. She thought I was already there and decided to email me, to become something like penpals. Anyway after a few emails and finding out that we were only 20 minutes away, she just had to meet me--I guess I charmed her. We met and it was love at first sight for both of us. The only problem was that she was living with her boyfriend and they had been dating for six years. She was unhappy as he had previously cheated on her. To make a long story short, I explained to her that I was the man for her; that I would give her what she needed and wanted in a man; and that I would love her like no one could. I left for Japan about 7 days after we met. We stayed in contact everyday while I was overseas, either by email or telephone. Some phone conversations were 5 hrs long, most around 2-3. We felt we were soul mates and when she came to visit me, for a weekend, after 3 months of knowing one another I proposed. She accepted. We had a vacation together about halfway through in Hawaii. I came home after 11 months and we got married 3 weeks later. A week later we were on our way cross country (CA-VA) as I had orders. The orders were a good thing as this would guarentee us being together for our first few years of marriage instead of deploying.

At the beginning of our marriage she liked to hold hands, kiss, cuddle, spend time together, etc. She is very very very close to her mother and brother as they were raised by her mom after her parents divorced, when she was about 2. She has a master's degree and is extremely independent. When we got to VA I did not pressure her to get a job as she was exhausted of 8 yrs of college while working full time. She took about six months before she got a job at a nice family run store. She was tired of the "corporate world" and said she was not built for it. After awhile she thought she would try something different and put her degree to work. She got a job as an adjunct professor while still working part time. While in VA we bought a puppy which soon got too big for our apartment, so we bought a house so the dog would have a yard to play in. She got burned out with the teaching job pretty fast as she had to develop all of the class lessons.

Recently I had to go to a school for 3 months, but was able to come home most weekends. At that time her mom came to visit and live with us for about a month. Her mom needed a break from real life as she had just lost her job and was living and taking care of her mother who just had a stroke. After her mom left and I was home for a weekend, she hit me off guard. Let me say that earlier, before her mom came she stopped kissing except a peck on the lips and then the hugs and kisses stopped altogether. We were more like roommates, not a married couple.

We got to talking and she said she was unhappy with our marriage and that she had not felt any passion for me since the beginning. She said she was not the type of women who is "touchy-feely" and that is what she thought I needed. She also said she did not know if she was the type of person to be married. She does not like my family and does not like having my last name. She said she loves me, but is not in love with me. She says I am a good husband--what every girl would want. At a different time she said she did not think she wanted to have children with me, even though before she wanted to. She loves the dogs more than me, which really hurts. She has not told be she loves me in, so long I can't remember. She doesn't wear her wedding ring very often and said she has phases. She hasn't learned that our stuff is "our stuff," not hers and mine. She got mad one day when I got in our car when we were going to the mall. She said, "What are doing getting in my car to drive? You should ask me before you get in my car." She was serious. She also says she doesn't find me attractive.

As you can see there is a lot and I really don't know what to do. Days pass and things are okay as "room mates." We just moved back to CA where our families are. I thought it would get better but it hasn't. I could go on forever about more but there are not enough hours in the day to read it all. I have considered counseling, but I don't think counseling can instill the love that is needed in a marriage. Something odd is that she shows no signs of wanting or thought of divorce. We are unpacking our stuff like nothing is wrong. Another note: All of the women in her family have been divorced at least once. She did not grow up with a father figure or model of what a husband is, or how a marriage should work.

I hope that I have provided enough information so that some of you can give your advice. I love her, but it hurts everyday to know that the feeling is not mutual. Thank you for listening to me ramble on.