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Tue 10 Aug, 2004 08:07 pm
Hi Everyone,
I am not sure where this question fit, this seemed like the best place.
On occasion I will notice how much roommate's personality can change drastically. When she is in a good mood she is in a great mood and really fun to be around but when her mood changes she becomes more withdrawn and a little grouchy.
She complains about her appearance much of the time (absolutely no need to) and I can't just tell by looking at her that she feels bad about herself. I hate to pry and ask if anything is wrong, I understand that as a roommate and friend, 'prying' may even be in my job description but it is something that I am just not accustomed to.
I really hate to see people unhappy, especially those who I care about. I have even noticed that it can bring me down too if I don't guard
against it.
This situation is kind of ironic because I am always a very happy person (read: Beleive in yourself in Religion and Spirituality) and being the happy person I am, I can usually bring her out of these moods.
So right now I am away for a few weeks and I have noticed before when I am not around that she is left to her own demons and never sounds right when I phone her. I know that I shouldn't feel responsible for leaving her but I just wonder what will happen to her when we don't live together anymore, its bound to happen someday! She has even admitted to me that she depends on me a lot. I am glad she can count on me but what else can I do. I can't help if she won't let me. She never really tells me what is bothering her and if she does, it seems that the topic changes quickly after she realizes that she doesn't want to talk about it. I respect her for pulling back when she is uncomfortable talking about something, so I don't say anything else. I know that she has had a hard childhood but she is very well rounded person and is VERY smart and despite anything she has gone through in her life she has come out of it a much better person. She is the type of person who is always there to help someone else and give advice but she really sucks at helping herself. Often when she is in these moods I think that a hug might help her to understand that I want her to feel better and that I am here to help but I remain guarded for some reason. A hug to me seems like the most logical bandaid, perhaps it is naive of me to think so.
I have even tried to help her in other ways. For instance, in how I live my life. (Again, read: Religion and Spirituality: Believe in yourself First!) I recently passed a book onto her. I had just finished it and was amazed by the amount of insight I found in the book. I thought this book could help her a great deal. I wanted her to read it so much that I was almost willing to read it to her myself! I left it for her to read and when I last asked about the book she sounded really frustrated and told me she didn't like it. I assumed she would find a great deal in this book because she always comments on me and how I live my life and how she wants to be more like me. I think she may be missing a few ingredients in following that recipe, self love comes to mind.
You hate to see people suffer, but are loathe to ask what's wrong? Learn how to. And quit pushing your religion on her, maybe that's not what she needs.
I am in no way pushing my religion on her. Its not even a religion for that matter, more of a lifestyle. I would never push anything on anyone. The only reason why I had given her the book to read was because she told me that she wanted to be more like me. I really don't care what she does, I just want her to be happy.
Mel_S wrote: I really don't care what she does, I just want her to be happy.
Has she ever said she is unhappy? Or is that your perception? Some people are happiest when they are being wet blankets, kwim?
Gotta figure this roommie had a a life before you two wound up together. Dunno of course, since I ain't there, but I figure mebbe she just has a need for privacy, and mebbe some self esteem issues, and sometimes when you press, she pulls back some, which you see as a mood swing ... like I say, I dunno, I ain't there. You can't make rules for other folks without their permission, and one of the surest routes to disappointment and frustration is to project one's own expectations, values and perceptions blanketly onto others. I'd say if you really wanna lead, then lead by example ... offer help or guidance only if, when, and as asked. Be willing to share, but don't force her to, and don't force yourself at her. Be open and honest, but avoid being pushy or "mother hen-ish". Make room for her, but don't try to force her to be in there with you if she doesn't want to. All this presupposes there are no overt signs of clinical depression or substance abuse ... either of which would call for entirely different approaches.
I agree with all of the previous posts...It's great that you are concerned, but there may not be a problem. Some people are moody. And, if it is true that she had a troubled childhood, how troubled? I'm not sure of her age, but it sounds like you guys are young 20's? It's common to look back and start dealing with issues from childhood at any time in adulthood...I would just be there as much as I could for her. Blow off a bad mood if you can and don't overreact to her swings. If she is being a nuisance to you...SAY: "C'mon now, What is the challenge here? I want to help you."
I agree as well. Don't push it. She'll figure it out on her own. All you need to do is just be there, without offering 'solutions.' She told you she wanted to be 'more like you' so you gave her a book to read. Bad, my man. Barring any psychological or substance abuse problems, I would say that she is very emotional, and you kinda lean towards trying to solve everything logically. It's not neccessarily a bad mix, but some sensitivity is probably in order here, especially when it comes to giving her space. Hugs help, IF you are actually involved with each other in a relationship. From the posts here, I'm guessing this is not the case. It could come down to you being centered, and her being toxic and co-dependent. If that's the case, I would say that you've done what you can, and she has to help herself at this point. I'm also going to echo Timber here, I ain't there, so it's hard to tell.
Hi Mel,
I just replied on your "Believe in yourself" thread, will put it here too:
Hi Mel,
I saw your post about your roommate first, then read this. So what I'll comment on is how I can understand how it would be annoying for her.
Overall, your attitude is that one can merely decide to be happy, to believe in yourself first, etc. For many people, especially those who are struggling with depression, that is simply not possible.
Science is increasingly showing that we all have different predispositions and inherent levels of happiness.
Think of it this way: you are a 6'10" star basketball player. Your friend is 5'3", unco-ordinated, one of her legs is shorter than the other, and she has bad knees.
You can tell her "believe in yourself!" and the rest and assure her that it all worked for you -- without it working for her. You're not starting from the same point.
So can you see how 5'3", uncoordinated her (still speaking metaphorically of course) would look up at 6'10", athletic you and get a little annoyed at the bromides?
To address your specific suggestions:
- Never fret about little things -- again much easier said than done. If you're already at a place where you can do so, great! If you're not -- like your roommate -- it just adds negativity to something very normal. ("I'm missed my bus and I'm upset about it! What's wrong with me??")
- Don't complain about anything -- this one is especially dangerous. Talking about things is one of the very best ways to deal with them. If your roommate knows you think people shouldn't complain, of course she'd have a hard time opening up to you!
- Live day-to-day -- it can also be quite dangerous not to think down the road. I know a lot of high school and college classmates who thought that way, went hither and yon, and are now in their mid-30's with no particular prospects. Which is fine if that's what they want, but a lot of 'em are unhappy with it.
Anyway, hope that gives you a little perspective on your roommate's situation. One thing you can maybe think about is implied judgement/ criticism. You might not think that you are judging or criticizing, but when you say things like, "Don't complain", and cite it as why you're happy even though you have been through such hard times (my condolences), there is implied criticism of complaining -- your roommate's -- and implied judgement of her desire to complain. This goes for much of what you write here.
Good luck to both of you!
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