Responsibility

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First I have to say I don't know whether this is the correct section to place this, but I believe it is.

To say it plain and simple: I'm having certain problems with my mother. It's about responsibility. I'm 17, and will be turning 18 this week. My mother did the most embarrassing thing you can do as a mother: she send these - sorry to say it - childish invitations to all of my friends for a party, without informing me (though she did inform one of my friends - the traitor - who delivered her the addresses of all of my friends). When I found out yesterday what she had done I was angry at her (no yelling or something like that of course, I respect my mother). I said to her that I believe she believes I have no responsibility, but that's just not true. She said that she had made these invitations because she was afraid I would forget it (while I had made plans of my own!), and she said that turning 18 is a very important thing (it will mean I can vote, drive a car, etc.), and she wants to celebrate it properly - and she believes I can not celebrate it properly, that she has to make the preparations to ensure everything goes well.

I don't want to disrespectful to my mother, but I believe she should not have done this. I am not the child anymore she obviously thinks I still am. The last two years I have been on vacation with some friends, first to Bulgaria, and this year to Rome, and it was actually a real relief. AND I handled it very well. Could it be my mother can not let go of me? That she is treating me like a baby because she knows it won't be long for I will leave the "nest"? Or am I overreacting? How can I make it clear for her that I AM responsible, that I AM able to handle things on my own?

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So, your mother arranges for a surprise party for your 18th birthday, but you've made other plans, and now you're unhappy about it because you feel she's treating you like a child? I'm trying to understand what the problem is. I mean, for most people, having a surprise party planned is a sweet thing. The fact that you ended up having other plans seems to be due to a miscommunication (understandable since you didn't know about the surprise) but where is it that she's treating you like a kid?

We made a surprise party when my Dad turned 50, so I don't see it as a maturity thing, or as being embarrassing. I also highly doubt it's an inability to let go.

My suggestion to you is, if you can get out of your other plans or if you can do both, do so, and go to the party made by your mother and be gracious about it. I mean, isn't it a bit childish to complain when someone does a kind thing for you and it's not 1000% to your satisfaction?

It may not be how you want to spend your 18th birthday, but the bottom line is that your friends will be getting together with you in order to wish you well. Does it really matter what the circumstances are under which they are gathering together?

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Hmm... I think that taking this in stride would be itself a sign of maturity. "Childish" invitations? So what? Have a party, have fun, look mildly chagrined if you'd like.

But it strikes me as much more immature to make a big deal out of this -- the invitations weren't cool enough! *sob*. Go ahead and do your own thing with your friends, no reason not to do it twice. (Except for presents -- make it clear that whatever you're doing is off-the-cuff, for fun, no presents involved.)

This is one of those areas where actions can get you further than words. It sounds like she was somewhat disrespectful in just going ahead and doing it, I'm not saying that she was completely in the right. But in terms of your question -- how can you make it clear to her -- I think your best bet is to sigh, go through with the party, have fun, and then explain one more time, as briefly as possible, what you didn't like about how she handled it and how you would prefer that it didn't happen again.

Such a mature handling of the situation -- not making a big deal about the party, now that it has been set in motion -- will itself impart a powerful message.

Do you still live at home? If so, do you have plans to move out? (Not necessarily immediate, but when ___ happens, or whatever.)

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Well it is not meant as a surprise party. We agreed that there would be a party, and I said to her that I would take care of it. She ignored that, and made these invitations, and only at the last moment did she tell me about her plans. Now, because she had done all the affords (she had already printed the invitations, got the adresses etc.), I agreed, but I did tell her I was angry and I did not want this.

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Or, not want it this way.

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Ignoring you is not nice, I agree.

Be more mature than her, then. :-)

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Okay, that's different. Again, the end result is that people who you like are going to get together with you in order to wish you well.

Once it's all over, sit her down and tell her that next time, you'd like to handle it. And make it clear that that doesn't mean that she rushes in when she thinks things aren't being done quickly enough or perfectly enough or whatever.

But I caution you - keep in mind that if she's footing the bill, she's going to want a say in the matter.

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Well I'm not saying the party is off. But I was also angry because of the reasons why she had done this - because she believed I didn't have the responsibility to organize a party.

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It's true, she is footing the bill, but I just get the feeling this is larger than simply this party. I have had numerous occasions on which I had an argument with my mother on responsibility. I understand that she is my mother, and that she is concerned about me, but I just want to make her clear that I'm almost 18 and able to take care of myself to a certain hight.

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I agree, Rick, but it's not that big a deal - seen from this distance, of course.

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I think you are blowing it a bit out of proportion. How childish were the invitations? If they didn't have clowns or bears on them, remember, it could be worse... If she isn't making you crack a pinata or play pin the tail on the donkey, remember, it could be worse...

Ya know, I would just go with it... Maybe make part of it a tribute to her... you could buy her a little plastic tiara, blow party favors at her after making a toast about how you wouldn't be here w/out her, make it a day for you both to share... because it may stem at least partly from some fears she has of you leaving the nest... (This is just speculation on my part, based upon my feelings when my 2 oldest left the nest I lost some degree of control over them...)

Now, if the invitations were absolutely childish in nature, you might enjoy going with the theme as a joke, but play adult party games...? Tweak the games children play at birthday parties to make them raunchy... but then again, maybe not...

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Well you could be right about blowing it out of proportions, but I do get the feeling she has too little trust in me, and I also told her so. The problem is though that it depends very much on certain occasions. She trusts me when it comes to alcohol (you can drink alcohol legally from the age of 16 here), and I have shown her that I can handle that responsibility (never got drunk; not planning to ever get drunk either). But than I just don't understand why she does not trust me on other occasions, like organising this party, or how I spend my money (I have a job on the Saturdays), while I said to her that I will be very careful and very responsible. I know every person of my age says this, but I do believe I am more aware of my responsibilities than my mother thinks I am.

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Rick
My son is also 17 and as a parent I know how hard it is for us to deal with our children becoming adults. I don't think she means you any disrespect. I think she is simply trying to make your first year into adulthood something special and wants to be a part of it. We moms are very sentimental that way ;-)
I would just let it roll off my back and cherish the fact that you have such a loving mom. Remember that you becoming an adult can be an emotional time for moms and no matter how old you are, you'll always be her baby ;-)
Have fun and Happy 18th in advance ;-)

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Rick d'Israeli wrote:

We agreed that there would be a party, and I said to her that I would take care of it. She ignored that, and made these invitations, and only at the last moment did she tell me about her plans.

I'd certainly be a bit annoyed by this. Not furiously angry - but annoyed enough to want to have a discussion with the person who ignored me when I said I'd take care of it.

Rick's mother may be having some troubles letting go of control in a number of areas - and they need to find a comfortable way for both of them to deal with the shift of control of Rick's life.

At least that's my reading of it.

(and surprise parties - fuggedaboudit. Definitely a disaster waiting to happen. I wouldn't recommend throwing one until you know for sure how someone feels about that sort of thing.)

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Technically speaking, she's making all these arrangments for you while you are seventeen and still a minor.

Done is done. What you want to do is prevent this sort of thing happening after your 18th birthday when you're a legal adult.

You say that your mother regards you as irresponsible. Does she have any reason to feel this way. Does she have to nag you about chores? Are your school assignments handed in on time? Can you get up in the morning without being called?

Start teasing her now when she tries to take over. "Mom, I'll do that today but after Month/Date/2004, I'll be an adult and making my own decisions. Keep it light--and firm.

Of course if you act like an immature, irresponsible jerk, she's going to go right on treating you that way.

Good luck.

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Thanks for all the responses. I think it's time for a good conversation between me and my mom :wink: My mother did have a hard time when my older sister (who's 20) decided to stay with her boyfriend more often, and spend less time back home. Of course I should have been a little bit more understanding. I mean, I can imagine she just wants the best for me, yes. I also believe there's a deeper reason though. My mother lost both of her parents and her grandmother around the time I was born; it was a very emotional year for her. In april 1986 her mother died of cancer; in august 1986 I was born, while the same month her grandmother died; if I recall it correctly her father died in the beginning of 1987. She keeps telling me all the time I am very much alike her father, with whom she had a very close bond. My sister also keeps telling me I'm our mother favorite (although I believe that's simply jealousy :wink: ). Eventually, my father, my sister and I are all she got, because after her parents died she lost contact with almost all of her family, besides one uncle and an aunt and a niece; sadly enough, this niece committed suicide two years ago. Hmmm. I think it's really time for a good son-mother talk.

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I have long thought you are quite mature as a young poster here on a2k and I can also see why you were miffed, I would have been too.

Annnnd, I agree it needs to be talked about with your mother,

and that your mother surely loves you, wishes well for you.

And that she may have some reasons re considering you couldn't handle it that we don't know about.

Let's see, I guess I don't see this as one necessary huge conversation as more of a series of continuing talks as you grow into your adulthood. It is a transition for both of you and won't always be smooth; sometimes it will be one or the other of you who is being unreasonable or unthoughtful. Still, I think you have some good groundwork in already just in who you and your mother are, basically well meaning loving people.

I like the idea of the teasing - was it Jespah who said that? - as you gain in responsibilities; it will probably be a growing relief to her as you mature well; it will leave her time to channel some of her energy into new things. Still, it's a transition in power over time, at a time when the person who is transferring the power is still doing the paying. Leaving money out of it, assigning power/control away from oneself is not the easiest thing to do.
She seems to be doing pretty well, re the vacation trips.

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I agree with the bulk of what has been said here. Think about it this way. If you were truly secure in your own maturity, it really wouldn't matter WHAT your mother did.

Yeah, I think that she has some control issues, and is nervous about her little boy becoming a man. Hey, that kind of anxiety is hardwired into every mother's brain!

You are both going through a period of transition, which is always, at best, a bit traumatic. You are going from adolescence to adulthood, and she is changing from the mother of a kid, to a mother of an adult.

Keep your sense of humor, and your lines of communication open, and everything will be fine!

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Have a blast at your party!

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Rick
It looks like your mom went through quite a bit, which explains why she holding on so tight. I'm glad she has such an understanding son who can talk civil about matters that bother him. I know she must be very proud of you. I know I am ;-)

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Isn't every mother proud of her child(ren) Montana? :wink:

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