Reply
Mon 30 Nov, 2015 10:38 pm
Thank you all for any help/comments/suggestions!
Prompt:How will your Semester at Sea voyage create (or enhance) your personal global perspective? Highlight your discussion by referencing at least one country on your itinerary and by explaining how your time there will further develop your awareness. (300-500 words)
Essay: I was about five years old when my life changed; it was the year my mom decided we should pack up and move to the renowned city of Los Angeles from my small, trivial town in southern Israel. Growing up, I always cherished the fact that I am from another country. My most favorite thing is when people ask me questions about the culture I come from, the traditions my household carries, and the country I was born in. I am a filmmaker, an artist, and an aspiring business entrepreneur, but most importantly, I am a global citizen dedicated to creating things that matter.
Semester at Sea will give me the opportunity to immerse myself in each port stop across the globe by learning about different cultures and traditions with my very own two eyes. I will be given the chance to break through the wall of the media, and be able to understand the world in a new global perspective. Peru is amongst the many countries on my itinerary and one that I am very excited about visiting. My knowledge of Peru sources from the western television and documentaries that have been broadcasted over and over again plotting inaccurate presentations of a country that is in actuality filled with a plethora of fine cuisine, literature, music, celebrations, architecture, and the remarkable wonder of the Incan Empire. Just the thought of seeing these things first-handedly gives me an excitement that will be carried with me prior to the voyage, during the voyage, and most definitely long after the voyage.
Going to an art school in San Francisco has been a great opportunity to submerge myself in an environment where everyone is interested in roughly the same thing. It is a comforting feeling knowing that I will be surrounded by hundreds of like-minded people on the ship as well. From professors, to faculty, to students, and even the staff, we all have the same mission in mind-to discover what life is like around the world. The intercultural exchange between peers on the ship, and local communities off the ship is one of the many inspiring moments that will spark almost immediately. The beauty of meeting other people from different countries and states is in itself an educating experience that will ultimately expand my global perspective purely through conversation. St. Augustine perfectly states that, "The world is a book and those who don't travel only read one page", and I plan to read every page of the book while on my voyage around the world with Semester at Sea.
Semester at sea is the perfect platform that will take my ideas into a global arena, utilizing the world as my creative outlet. This is not a program where you study in a country for a semester then come back home to resume your life; this is a program where you lose yourself in each country, while still finding your true self at the same time. Studying on a ship and visiting twelve countries is an experience I get butterflies just thinking about. It is an opportunity to grow as a universal resident, while expanding my knowledge both in the general courses I will take and in the new cultures I will explore. I am so thankful I have the urge to remain a tourist forever. Tourists appreciate things a resident overlooks, and with Semester at Sea I am certain I will cherish the miraculous memories I have yet to make.
@lidorf,
Well, it's long. You need to edit it down. It feels padded, even if you're within the 500 word limit (I did not check).
Ditch words like 'renowned', and replace 'the country I was born in' with 'the country of my birth' and the word count will start to drop. 'Most favorite' is redundant; just say 'favorite'. 'My very own two eyes' is also redundant; just say 'first-hand' as it is not only fewer words and drops the redundancy, it's also less precious. Your constructions feel archaic; there are generally more direct ways to talk about Peru, etc. which will decrease word count and give your essay clarity. See if you can ditch saying 'that' - it's often a filler word.
As for the remainder of it, while I appreciate your optimism, the essay feels like you're just trying to butter up the Admissions Department.
It's a great opportunity to travel around the world. You're an artist and want to see things first-hand and experience other cultures. You feel you'll make friends and it will be a positive experience. You love to travel and want to do more of it while you're young and before you're tied down with responsibilities.
Get that ^ into the essay and jettison the flowery ten dollar words. Tell the people in charge of getting you into the program what they want to know, not what they want to hear.
See the difference?
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace