My boyfriend is very clingy

Reply Mon 23 Nov, 2015 06:08 pm
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months next week and after almost a year of dating you start to notice things you didn't and realize stuff you thought was cute isn't anymore. My boyfriend and I are completely polar opposites. I like going out, trying new things and food, hanging with my friends, being outdoors, playing music and writing music, etc. and then there's my boyfriend and he likes video games, and Star Wars. Now at first I figured meh, but now I'm like oh, that's really all he enjoys doing. I am not lying when I say in the 11 months we've been together he hasn't gone out with any friends, hung out with the guys, nothing. If his family wants him to come to a dinner or something they ask me cause I'm the only one who could persuade him to go. When we first started dating his family thanked me cause they said he would never spend time or even eat a meal with them. He liked to hide in his den and play video games unless he was working (he's a barista). Now a lot of stuff has changed since our first date but he's not diverse. He's very much a one track minded person. He only reads book that are Star Wars, he only listens to movie soundtracks...no Adele, no Metallica, just movie soundtracks and occasionally a weird metal song he heard from, you guessed it, a video game. We only ever played video games when we first started dating and that was fun for a while but I like doing other things but he literally has like no other hobbies. He goes to work, plays video games (or the card game Magic the gathering) and hangs out with me. We can sometimes decide on a movie or something but especially the last couple of months I'm really bored when around him. He doesn't know how to conversate very well and he's trying but you can tell he has to like force conversation and that's just usually him sitting there asking me a lot of generic questions. My other huge problem is he thinks I'm out of his league and acts like I'm gods gift to him. Like at first I thought it was great being adored but now it's become the thing I hate most. He's always telling me he loves me every ten minutes, whenever we're together he always has to be like touching me in some way (not sexually) just like physically has to be connecting with me. He's always telling me he doesn't deserve me and he's a screw up and he's really not. And whenever we cuddle he just like sits there and holds me like I'm going off to war and he'll never see me again and he just stares at me intensely and it really creeps me out. And he has the best of intentions and he's a sweet guy, I love his family and he does have a good sense of humor and stuff but like he suffocates me! Like I find myself dreading to be around him sometimes cause I know I'm going to have to put up with his clingyness! I'm not big on cuddling, back rubs, hand holding, pet names, and all the cheesy physical and romantic stuff like it's just not me. I'm very chill, so it's hard cause that's like all he does 24/7. And I want to go on real dates and do new things and enjoy the time we spend together but it's almost impossible sometimes. I don't know what to do. I love him, he's great and all, but i don't know how to convey all this stuff to him any better then I already have. And it's not just me, his mom and his step dad have tried to explain stuff to him but he just isn't getting it. And I feel bad cause I really think he does want to change some of this stuff but he never does so then we just both end up frustrated
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Reply Mon 23 Nov, 2015 07:22 pm
He sounds very needy, and I don't see him changing because everyone (his parents and you) cave in to his behaviour. I understand the reluctance to confront him, because it seems mean. No one really wants to be mean to someone who claims to adore you. I doubt if he's going to change, and the longer you allow this to go on, the stronger his sense of ownership will become.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but my first husband was a needy soul who became possessive and abusive once he felt he had established ownership. Those 4 years of marriage were the unhappiest of my entire life, I became a shadow of myself. I can't guarantee he will become like my ex, but he sure is making alarm bells go off in my head. You have to think long and hard about how you want to live the rest of your life. I think you will become demoralized if you try to encourage him to spread his wings, I don't think he will because there is no real incentive to change. He likes the way his world is, and all that quasi-adoration is manipulative. What will probably happen, if you continue, you will get tired of the utter frustration and give in to his hermit ways because otherwise he will exhaust you. Please don't let that happen, you seem young and that's a good thing. There really isn't any good reason to chain yourself/sacrifice your own interests for a young man who seems so content with his limited lifestyle.

I do apologize for being so negative, but there are so many more interesting people out there for you to meet. Relationships aren't sunbeams and fairy dust, but you seem to be sacrificing so much after only 11 months. Find someone who suits you better, being fond of someone won't be enough to carry you thru the actual tough times.

Good luck in the future, and I think it was very smart of you to describe your situation so accurately. I think you know what you should do, but it's never a mistake to say out-loud or write frankly about how you see the situation.

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Reply Mon 23 Nov, 2015 07:25 pm
You don't need to stay.
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