So i see you are married..... Happily?

Reply Mon 23 Nov, 2015 11:48 am
This is the question my husband was asked by a Kiosk lady in a mall this weekend.

My husband did cheat on me a while back and i found out. He came home and told me about the incident he had with an attractive woman on saturday night because he is all about honesty right now. (Rolls eyes)

I got to just shudder when someone so OBVIOUSLY comes on to someone....and they are already married.

My husband said he replied that he was happily married, and i don't really know why his reply pisses me off.

Part of me wishes he had been honest and replied that NO we have a terrible marriage and that he is at fault for it and left it at that.

He claims he was happy with me, he just got over whelmed and interested in other women....BUT OUR MARRIAGE IS TERRIBLE NOW. I want out most days. I try so hard to give myself time, but i just find more and more i don't love him like i used to, and whats worse, i am starting to forget when it was ever good. I kind of recall...but its all muddled and i feel like it was someones perfect life now... But it was never mine.

I just want to shut the door on all this but that would mean three kids cared for by me who has a heart condition, (Had open heart surgery at 17) So its actually serious. My health is declining and i actually NEED him....but i don't WANT to need him. God some days i think its better for me to check out...

I got literally hit by a car... i was a pedestrian and its was just two months ago. (Hit and run. They never found him.) My back is messed up, Im loopy on pain killers, He is having to shoulder more work like he did while i was pregnant two years ago and what he claims was his reason he cheated.... Because he was doing all the work and resenting me.... What is going to be different now?

I don't want this. I want to be a young feeling 28 year old. I don't want to have troubles that most 40 year olds have or older.... I don't want to fear a heart attack from my anxiety... i need him, but on the other side he is killing me.

why did i marry this man.... When i was at the alter at nineteen i knew this would happen... I just hoped it wouldn't.

DONT GET MARRIED YOUNG.....I was warned and i thought they were just bitter. They were, but they were also wise.

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Reply Mon 23 Nov, 2015 12:20 pm
Youthinkimdumb wrote:
.. What is going to be different now?

hopefully both you and your husband have better communication skills now - or are working on developing them
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Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2015 04:11 pm
I had a man ask me this once when I was married as well. I told him emphatically that yes, I was indeed very happy. And I was.
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Reply Thu 31 Dec, 2015 01:19 pm
Your situation is very difficult for all the reasons you mention. It sounds like when you weigh out your options, staying is the choice you want to make. If that is the case, I'm wondering how you can help yourself experience this choice with a sense of peace, perhaps even joy. The first thing that comes to mind is to extend love and forgiveness toward your husband. So often in my own marriage I based my happiness on my husband's behavior and my love for him was very conditional. One day I decided to just love him for who he is and be his friend in the best way I could. I released my disappointment, judgment, my old jealousies and condemnations and the watchful eye that measured all his actions... and decided that since I was staying put in this marriage, it was up to me to make it the best I could. I brought love into my marriage instead of waiting for my husband to be the one and I quit blaming him for the lack of love that I was choosing to experience. I quit holding his flirting or affairs over his head and being sanctimonious about it. I observed how most marriages have partners who hide things from each other... keep secrets, tell their best friend but not their spouse... because their spouse is not really their best friend. I wanted to change that but to be my husband's best friend (or one of them) I had to truly lovingly accept him and be a safe place for him. I stopped taking his flaws personally. Stopped seeing them as being against me. I detached, but with love. This did not return us to the good old blissful days... but it brought into us some new and different blissful days. I decided that if we were to be friends that my acceptance of him had to be full and not just based on him doing things to keep me happy or feeling secure. Over time, he sensed my acceptance and "true" love of him (vs. the kind of fake love doled out only for good behavior)... and he gradually relaxed and became more real and more fun to be around, too, and he engaged with me more honestly. Plus, I didn't expect him to make me happy. I filled my life with other friends, too. My husband and I have been able, as a result, open up and share more of who we really are with each other. We both smile more, and are sincerely affectionate with each other and can tell each other ANYTHING without hurting the other's feelings or feeling insecure. I offer this up just as something to think about. Since you are staying, you can make the most of it and leave your children with positive memories of you vs. the sad memories of a mom who stayed because she felt stuck. And just so you know, I have been somewhat in your husband's shoes, too. I did caregiving of my spouse for 4 years when he was ill. When he started getting well and I could have my life back, I did have an affair. I felt like I wasn't "in love" my husband any more. I justified my affair because my husband had cheated early on in our marriage so I thought it was my time to have some fun now. But I didn't like being deceptive so I told him about it while it was still going on. My husband, who in the past would have come unglued and very reactive, instead decided to do his best to understand me, and even to apologize to me for all that I've been through. He made friends with my affair partner. I ended the affair shortly after that upon realizing it was not what I needed or wanted any longer. My marriage is not at all perfect, but I have made a choice that since I'm not leaving, I'm going to be the best friend and encourager that I can be. I also have a sense of independence that I didn't have before. It comes from finding out who I am and deciding that no one in this world can take that away from me. My husband has much greater respect for me than he did when I was the pouty miserable wife who wanted out. I think our children are more mentally stable, too, because they don't have to worry about us. I remember worrying about my parents and their unhappiness as a kid so I'm very very happy to not saddle them with that any longer.
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