Reply
Tue 17 Nov, 2015 10:35 am
I have never posted a question on here before, but I'm hoping that somebody out there is able to understand and weigh in on it.
Some background info: My family is Hispanic and very conservative, and people I know from church love to gossip about anything.
Anyway, last year my best friend (a guy) confessed he had developed feelings for me. I'd actually already had some feelings for him for a while, so this was actually great news. However, he did admit that he wasn't ready for anything and didn't really see where it could be headed. Fast forward to August of this year, and he's been through some difficult times in his personal life, and he finally says he's ready. He knows what he wants, and what he wants is me. So that's when we started dating (early September). The thing is that we decided to keep our relationship private for a while. Our parents know that we have feelings for each other, but we didn't think they would respond well to us dating because he is 20 and I'm 24. Plus, with the way our church is, we've already been the topic of gossip for a while and didn't want to ignite more. We were hoping to ease everynody into it little by little.
I've known him for a long time and know that he has a temper. Since we were friends before, I feel that I really got to know who he was, and vice versa. Towards the beginning of our relationship, we had a small argument, but we were fine a few hours later. Well, the next day he just didn't text/call me at all. A day later he called me up and explained that he just gets like that sometimes, specially after an argument. He feels suffocated and just needs some time alone. I told him that I understood but that next time he just needed to tell me what was going on. About a month later, he got upset with me for changing plans one day and he just told me that he didn't really feel like hanging out or talking after that. So we just left it alone, hung out the next day and we were fine.
I say all this to give some insight into who he is/how we've handled arguments.
Now last night my dad finally asked what was going on between us. Apparently, he found out that we were hanging out alone/kissing and other relationshipy things. I was truthful and told him we were wanting to take our friendship further. My dad was upset for not telling him sooner, specially since I just assumed he wouldn't understand. He then told me to fight for what I wanted instead of going around hiding it.
After speaking with my dad, I told my boyfriend that it was time to speak with my parents. He got upset that my dad had found out, specially since we think that somebody saw us and went to tell him about it. In the middle of the conversation, my boyfriend just shut down & didn't say anything anymore. It honestly got me scared bc I thought maybe something had happened to him. The call was still going, but there was no sound from the other side. So I started texting him to see if maybe it was a our phones. No answer. I stayed on the line, texting him occasionally for about 20 mins. Finally, I hung up & texted him one last time asking him if he was ok, that was all I needed to know. His response was "go away". So after that I just stopped texting and calling, until this morning when I tried to call him about 3 times just so that we could talk. He never answered. I didn't even want to bring up the conversation from last night.
So what's the take on "go away"? I don't know if he means that he just needs time to think about it. Is he saying go away because it's over? I'm just afraid that in his thinking, he'll misinterpret what my dad said and make decisions based on erroneous thinking. I don't know whether to try to text him; and if I do, what should I say?
Any insight into what he might be thinking would be greatly appreciated, even critiques on what I could have changed.
@Soarid ,
Welcome to the forum. I have sympathy with you over this situation.
At the least, he's being quite insensitive. Some might even call it cruel. He shows by what you wrote back that he is indecisive and can't cope. My advise is to back off and cool it.
I'll be brief here knowing that others will express their fine opinions far better on this subject.
The church buzz should not be your concern. your picking the right partner for you is what in primary concern. They won't live your life. Gossip and public opinion is none of their business and they should be ignored.
Do you smell the coffee? When he tells you to go away..that's not good and it indicates he's very confused, immature, volatile (red flag here), perhaps his values are not same as yours, and quite callous.
@Ragman,
I agree with Ragman and will reiterate that telling you to go away is not good, immature, unthoughtful, and, likely to be a long term characteristic if he is already twenty.
I don't think he is the right partner. You would be happier in the long run with a grownup.
@Soarid ,
He seems passive aggressive and childish at best.
He told you to go away.
Maybe do that.
I bet you'd be a much happier person if you did.
@Soarid ,
you are loyal dedicated person from what I can read from your notes...but he's not the right guy..and he is proving that. It's best to protect yourself and back way off.
@Soarid ,
sounds like he needed/needs a break from your attention
sometimes we all need a little space and when we don't get it things can get unpleasant
if you do manage to sort things out (not sure why you'd want to but it's your choice) be more careful about giving him some space
__
Separately, I'm curious about this
Soarid wrote:
After speaking with my dad, I told my boyfriend that it was time to speak with my parents.
why would you both speak to your parents about dating? seems odd to me that young adults would do that. you date, you try different people out - that's how life is. parents don't need to be involved.
@Soarid ,
Soarid wrote: and people I know from church love to gossip about anything.
a general suggestion is to avoid people who gossip. there is absolutely nothing good about it.
if that means going to a different church - do it.
@Soarid ,
Soarid wrote: He feels suffocated and just needs some time alone.
The call was still going, but there was no sound from the other side. So I started texting him to see if maybe it was a our phones. No answer. I stayed on the line, texting him occasionally for about 20 mins. Finally, I hung up & texted him one last time asking him if he was ok, that was all I needed to know. His response was "go away". So after that I just stopped texting and calling, until this morning when I tried to call him about 3 times just so that we could talk. He never answered.
you already knew that he's felt suffocated in the past
that's not the kind of person you text and text and text and call
if it happens again ... hang up. send one text. leave him alone.
@ehBeth,
That too, no matter who the guy is.
@ehBeth,
I know the whole parents thing may seem out of place. My family is Hispanic and my parents are very conservative. This has always been a struggle in our home. My sisters and I have more "Americanized" ideas and my parents are very set on what is proper. While I don't share all of their views, I do want to respect their values. They've always cautioned against dating lots of people, so for them a relationship should always be serious. I guess that's part of the reason why we didn't really want to say anything to them at the beginning.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace