A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING MEN

A Woman's Guide to Understanding Men

1. "I can't find it" - MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work" - MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and
thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?" - MEANS: Both of my roommates
have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no
peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing." - MEANS: There's no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all
of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?" - MEANS: Why isn't it already
on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain" - MEANS: I have no
idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately" - MEANS: The batteries
in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late." - MEANS: I have a legitimate
reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." -
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear." - MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." -
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me." - MEANS: You expect
me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie." - MEANS: It's got guns, knives,
fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is." - MEANS: I remember
the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first
girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." -
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe,
and was wearing a bikini thong.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal." - MEANS:
I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing." - MEANS: What
did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists." - MEANS: She refused
to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you." - MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't
spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else." - MEANS: I am
used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit." - MEANS: Please don't
try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present." - MEANS: It was free ice scraper
night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you." - MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the
kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are." - MEANS: No one
will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious." - MEANS: I like you
almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions." - MEANS: I am perfectly
capable of screwing it up without printed help.