am I envious?

Am I an envious person?
if you didn't guessed it yet,yes that is one of the things that my best friend accused me of when she announced that she is disowning me from being her best friend.Let's call her Hazel. Me and Hazel were best friends from 1st grade.Now,an ocean is in between us,literally and figuratively. The last discussion it was a written one,since we used the platform of an online chat room,since both of our daughters were sleeping.I am going to say that we've exchanged lots of heavy words,and that is when she accused me of being mean and envious of her,among other things,and basically told me that i can't be her best friend anymore,but I could be one of her "dear old friends"..(...Like that made me thrilled!) OK,so I've decided to take this opportunity and take these accusations and try to see where she is coming from..is it worth it to dig out the hatchet?well,these accusations came from a friend who was in my life 25 years..so I can't ignore them..but I really am doing this for me,and only me...Since my daughter(who today is six months!) I just discovered a calmness in me and a different attitude for life...I want to know myself better,and I see this blog as an opportunity to explore my thoughts. I don't consider myself an envious person and it's very strange to be accused of being one,especially by such a close friend. So Hazel said that I envy her and that I wasn't really happy for her...basically she reminded me about an incident were I was really admitting her that i did envy her...it was more then 6 years ago..I know what she is talking about,but to my surprise i really taught she understood me and that she passed over it. I think friends who have lots of things in common and spend much of their lifetime together,they develop like a friendly competition.And that's what it was.We were interested in the same field,graphic design,only that Hazel enrolled in college for it,and me,I was tackling it at home,as an autodidact. There is a very thin line in really knowing who had started to "discover" this "new hobby" but nevertheless,Hazel knew about my art background and she was always telling me that we should have been going together at school to study this field. We decided to e-mail each other projects so we can give each other feedback and motivation.All was good,until,Hazel was insisting that I could have gone to college like her,she would say that how great college life is and that she can't believe that I was happy with my life choices.I probably need to mention that at that time,she lived on East coast and I lived on West coast.Having to go at a college to pursue this hobby further sounded wonderful,but I couldn't afford it and I was in a certain position in my life that I just couldn't do the things I wanted.I had to accept the flow of life.Maybe a small example is that I had to pay rent and Hazel didn't at that time.Sounds like a little detail,but for me was a huge detail,I basically had a different lifestyle...so it became painful for me to not being able to explain and make her understand why I wasn't pursuing this dream like she was...it almost felt like she was bullying me (but I cannot put my finger on it,how can you say this about your best friend?) ...so I did had mixed feelings and painful feelings,so out of rage I wanted to show her that I can do well without "the infamous college degree" so i started sending her projects that I worked on,studying on my own..The projects were really cool,they were not original since I was just following some amazing Photoshop tutorials,and Hazel complimented me and that is when a small competition arose between us,I would send some,she would send some back...until I have noticed this competition,which wasn't us anymore and i felt guilty that i started it..so one night I have decided to write an e-mail about how bad i felt,and admitted that I purposely hid the source of my tutorials,that I didn't wanted to share with her ( how shocking! because before I was always sharing anything and everything with her),that I envied her for being able to go to College and all that because she wouldn't understand were I was coming from..and i also wrote her that I was ashamed of those feelings and I wanted to stop this silly competition between us and I was begging to forgive me...How do I know(and remember) all of this?Well,it's because i went and searched in my e-mail archives. So there I saw it,me using the word envy and jealousy ...I asked for forgiveness and she gave it to me right away.I had the beginning of those feelings,influenced by the circumstances,but i hated having those feelings and I recognized them right there and then and I admitted them to her.She forgave me and I never looked back. I never looked back,well,until now, when she accused me of being envious...well I am pretty certain I am not and if I even had the glimpse of it I consider I've corrected right away...How many persons will admit to you they are envy and they feel sorry?NONE. So,in a way I am proud of me,of that girl who wrote that e-mail six years ago.It took courage. Since then ,Hazel came on the West coast,we were together again,she was doing great ,progressing in the graphic design field..and I was there celebrating with her.Me on the other hand ,I've got stuck ,"I've learned to love the things that made me stopped dreaming"(it is a quote of a song that I love and understand the lyrics since I identify myself with them sometimes),but i was sincerely happy for her and her successes.Meanwhile I've also finished a graphic design certificate,and if I think about it,she kind of undermined it,she never celebrated me for that...and maybe that affected me...maybe I was looking for her aproval in a way...which now,I know it was a mistake..we should always seek approval in ourselves,otherwise we do get stuck... To return to the main idea,about ENVY...in a way I felt that whenever i would praise Hazel she wouldn't take it all in,it wasn't like in the old times...so she said she forgave me but probably she never did.Is ENVY such a scary word that even if you use it to redeem yourself,it is still scary and it changes you? It really hurts to be accused of being envious when I was really happy for her ,I was happy when she was happy...why does she think i was pretending all this time? Going back through these memories,it makes me think: was it all a big misunderstanding,can your best friend bully you and she or you don't know? Well,for all I know,is that; yes,sometimes you wish to have the things that others have,and is not like you choose to have those feelings!As long as you recognize them and stop them just in time you are OK. While I was doing some research about this strong word that may just had ruined my friendship,I discovered that are 2 different emotions of envy -malicious envy -benign envy I dare you to google them! But in all this ordeal,I discovered my new favorite word:MATUDA MATUDA MATUDA MATUDA is a Buddhist practice of being able to be happy for others! cheers, C.J.