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Fri 30 Jul, 2004 02:56 pm
Hi. I found this site and since I am desperate for advice, I wanted to see what you guys thought about my situation. It's a long one, so apologies in advance.
I've been with my BF for 10 years- we are high school sweethearts and lost our virginity to e/o and all that. Over the years, we started having sex less and less and less, getting longer and longer between episodes, which now has been over 1 yr.
In october of last year I found out that he was heavily into gay porn. Not only that, but he had created an identity w/ another name and e-mail address. He was using the web cam, had subscribed to several websites, and was talking to guys on the phone. When I confronted him he said it was just a curiousity thing. I was torn up but still wanted things to work-- but after i figured out he kept telling me more and more things that had happend to him with guys and that he thought he was bi. Despite telling me this he's not once shown interest in any straight porn as far as I can tell and he's constantly checking out guys whenever we go out together.
I considered at that time letting us have an "open" relationship b/c I still cared about him a great deal. Then he had some guy he met online threaten him and it got scary. He promised he'd not get online and continue meeting strangers online. He said he loved me and wanted things to work out, and knew how this was affecting me. I agreed to give it another chance.
But that was just another story, guys, b/c I found out today that even though he promised he is still doing it. And I just don't know what to do. I'm starting graduate school in a month and I have so much pressure on me to do well in that, and other than with him I don't have anywhere to go. My stipend at school is ridiculously low, not anything I can live off of alone or even with a roomate. TO save $$ I sold my car and if I leave him I'll not have really much of anything. But at the same time, it feels like I'm kidding myself if I think things are going to work out with me and him, and that I've got to get out of here before I go crazy. I seriously think I am going crazy sometimes-- I just feel so overwhelmed, so angry at him sometimes, so angry at myself-- I just don't know what to do anymore. It's really sad for me to think that the past 10 years when I really thought we were going to make it, he's never really loved me the way he said he did. I sometimes think that if I stay I'll miss out on experiencing a relationship with someone who actually wants to be with me sexually.
I'd appreciate any advice, I just have to talk about this to *someone* before I go insane--
thanks in advance--
h.
Jeez, what can I say to help? If you don't leave him you won't have anything including your self respect. Men who prowl the gay internet can snuff your life. Specially if they're devious. Once I spent 11 years with a GirlFriend because I was too comfortable to leave. Sex was like...hardly ever. She wised up and got a life. I was bored out of my mind. She wanted marriage. I regret so much the time I made her waste. I'm not gay or bi but just giving you a view from the male side.
If he comes fully out of the closet there won't be much room for you in his life. Cut your losses sweetie. Not being glib...just an opinion.
I agree with panzade. But I also think you should be pissed off. I think you should go for revenge. He has lied to you for ten years, and you have been wasting all that time with him. Get even. Even if it's in a little way, get even. You sound like you need something to give you a spark. Get even, get even, get even.
You have my sympathies.
The situation does sound a bit dangerous and you should probably get out as soon as you can. It may not be economically viable for you to leave him, but you might be able to convince him to be friends/roommates. (Wishful thinking, but you never know). Be sure to use a condom if you do ever sleep with him again, because he sounds like he may easily be fooling around on you.
I do not think revenge is the best idea, especially since you may just feel worse about it later. It is quite possible he did not know he was bi (or gay) until fairly recently. He may also have other reasons (family, hometown, etc.) for not wanting that known. He may also have been trying to stay in the relationship with you so as not to hurt you. He could also be in denial about himself. It can get very complicated. You have every right to be angry about the online and phone activities though.
There is more to a relationship than sex, but only you can figure out what you are willing to live with or without in a relationship. Ten years is a long time (I have been with my husband for slightly longer) but you are still young enough to make changes. You are also much better off making the changes then letting him make the changes for you.
hilari--
Welcome to A2K.
Compared to some Romantic Sagas posted here, you presented your quandary clearly and concisely. You are honest with yourself.
Quote:But at the same time, it feels like I'm kidding myself if I think things are going to work out with me and him, and that I've got to get out of here before I go crazy. I seriously think I am going crazy sometimes-- I just feel so overwhelmed, so angry at him sometimes, so angry at myself-- I just don't know what to do anymore. It's really sad for me to think that the past 10 years when I really thought we were going to make it, he's never really loved me the way he said he did. I sometimes think that if I stay I'll miss out on experiencing a relationship with someone who actually wants to be with me sexually
You don't like being Mistress of your boyfriend's closet--and I can't say that I blame you. No sex for nearly a year? He
might be "bi"? He
really loves you--how? Like a brother?
My guess is that he is not only lying to you, he's lying to himself and using you as "proof" that he's hetro--or at least bi. I'm certain that he's thinking more of his needs and desires than of yours.
Your relationship for the last year has been Platonic--but not honestly so. In your place, I'd try to explain that except as a provider (and this is a Big Except) that he's not meeting your needs and you don't feel that you were put on this earth to be the mistress of his closet.
See what the two of you can work out together.
Perhaps the best solution is a clean break. You don't have a deadline for completing graduate school--this is the era of the "non-traditional" student. You also deserve the chance to learn about more conventional partnerships than the one you're in now.
Good luck.
You may also want to see if you can keep your stipend and put off grad school for a year. And what to do in that year? Why, work. Make as much money as you can, doing whatever's legal (wait tables, clean houses, sling hash, type, whatever you can get), and save as much of it as you can. If he cares about you, and if you can stand it, see if you can live there as a roomie at least for a while. If he's decent about things, he won't bring guys home. If you're decent about things, you'll do the same. It may not be a fantastic situation, but it's practical.
You've been checked for HIV/AIDS, correct??
I wanted to thank you all for your good advice, it's been really helpful. While I've not decided 100% how to go about it, I know things have to be over between us.
jespah-- you made me laugh, "sling hash" -- ha ha. But you're absolutely right, I can find *something* to do and it will be more positive than the situation at hand.
eoe- thanks for bringing up that important point. I have, and I can't stress enough that if anyone out there thinks they might be in a situation where their partner isn't being faithful--even if it's just some gut instinct, it's important to get yourself checked out. I was really scared about it and was on pins and needles before I got my results, but it was so important for me to do.
Noddy24-- thanks for your frank advice. Part of me is still in denial. You're right, there's no questioning my boyfriend is gay. It seems so Jerry Springer. And I am tired of being the mistress of my boyfriend's closet. In fact, can I use that line? I really like it, and it fits my situation to a "t"
Guys, thank you for your comments and suggestions and please-- if you think of any way to make this break up easier, and to help me find some way to recover from this betrayal (because right now I don't know how I can ever trust a guy again-- i know that's really silly to say at this point, but i have this paralyzing fear of having this happen to me again. I feel like my identity has been totally robbed, and that's a double heartbreak) --i'd love any advice/comments/suggestions you have.
Thanks guys!
Hilari
It's a cliche but, be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time. Time truly does heal all wounds.
I don't know about that, but it certainly give you the chance to find a way to work around them.
We never really recover from our losses, but we accept them knowing that we can't change what is. It's karma, and peace and patience must come from within.
As for your situation, be honest, have him be honest. You obviously care for the guy and if you can still be friends then that's fine. Ten years aren't nothing, after all. However as has been pointed out, listen to yourself and act in your own interest, he's had plenty of time to tell you how you feel or maybe he still doesn't know what he is. Nevertheless, do what you think is right for you.
Hilari--
Feel free to use the "Mistress of the Closet" line.
The older I get, the more I realize that the world is full of situations that my upbringing didn't specificially prepare me to handle. Still, if you keep your ethics and common sense functioning, you can cope.
You thought you had your future under control and tied up with a blue ribbon--and now that you face facts you find out that what seemed sure and certain is not sure and certain at all.
Boyfriend is now "friend who is gay"--big, unsettling difference.
Don't feel that the last ten years have been a total, complete waste. You and your gay guy have done a lot of growing up together. He isn't concealing his nature from you as much as he's hiding from himself.
You're much, much more than a hetrosexual body. I know of no binding rule that makes the former lover of a now-gay guy a worthless human being.
In fact, the last few years have probably given you a leg up in the compassion and empathetic understanding department.
Your present reflexive distrust of all men is a survival mechanism and far more useful for your well being than a need to be Rebound Rita and clock up all sorts of hetrosexual sex to "prove" that you're normal.
Hold your dominion--and let us know whether we can help.
This situation could get ugly. I'd run to the nearest exit, not knowing either one in this relationship. Wasn't this covered on The Jerry Springer Show?
There is no such thing as curiosity with homosexuality in my book. You IS or you AIN'T.
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