Need Advice Plz

Sounds to me like this is your answer.

I'm sorry, but when two people love each other, that relationship is #1, IMHO - not the relationship with parents, not the one with kids (not even the couple's own kids), not friends, not neighbors, etc.

You're right to want to be #1. This isn't selfishness; it should be a fact. I'm not saying he has to spend every waking moment with you. Gosh, if my husband and I were together 24/7, it would start being unpleasant after a while, 'cause, like with anything else, it would be too much.

<sigh> I'm sorry, but this isn't looking like a relationship that he sees as worth fighting for. And if his heart isn't into it, you can't change that.

His decision to spend those days with her speaks loudly to me.

Some people say men and women can't be friends without sexual tension. I don't quite take that tack: if the girlfriend is present and welcome with them at all times, or the friendship doesn't negatively impact the relationship--then I think it can work.

What you describe is, again IMO, his preference toward her and away from you.

Hearing things like this is very painful, and it is your option to reject it. But I tell you what I would tell my beloved daughter: You are valuable. If the person who is currently the most important person in your life chooses time with another in the manner you describe, you are worthy of some one else. I hope you will find the strength to be true to yourself, and expect good treatment. Can you imagine if it had been him with four days off, ... Would you have chosen to spend that time with a male friend?

I wish you peace and happiness, and a love of self that doesn't entertain such treatment.

**I refreshed and agree with jespah's wise counsel.

I'm really against the "Men and women can't just be friends" thing as a general concept, but this situation does remind me of one that happened to some friends of mine. Chris's best friend was a woman, who he'd known for a long time, and Cara was told that she just had to put up with the fact that this friend was really important to him. She's an enlightened type, and accepted that, to the point where the friend was the "best man" at the wedding. (Cara had a good male friend too, [who was gay, though], and he was the "Maid of honor". )

The friend wore this totally inappropriate Nicole Kidman cheongsam knock-off (ya know, that chartreuse one she wore to the Oscars with big earrings) for the wedding, and garnered way too much attention. (I'm not in the camp that requires the least flattering dress possible for bridesmaids, but I do think the bride should be the center of attention, sartorially speaking.)

So -- Chris and Cara were married for about 6 months. AFTER they bought a house together, it turned out that Chris and cheongsam gal were doin' the horizontal mambo. (I'm still really mad at him, though I was friends with him longer than Cara.)

This means absolutely nothing, of course, but thought I'd toss it out there.

Good luck.

Re: Need Advice Plz
Ok, you've gotten some comments from the fairer sex already but let me ask this. You said:



Fair enough. Has he said that he loves you?

If he has and insists that this relationship with his friend is more important then the big red flags are waving all around. He's got some serious probelms there then.

If he hasn't then it's time to reevaluate your entire relationship with him. Is it possible that you've taken this relationship with him much more seriously than he ever has?

You cannot make rules for other peoples private lives. If you find yourself confronted by a mate whose idea of just what the rules are and how they apply is inconsistent with your own, there is little prospect of success for that relationship. If you cannot agree to the goals and values of the other in the relationship, it is time to end the relationship. There is scant chance either partner will be fulfilled. Delaying resolution of this issue merely increases the misery. If mutualy satisfactory accommodation cannot immediately be made, I say "Good Luck to Them", and "Good Luck to You", Xan02. Its time to move on.



timber

Thanks to everyone for the advice so far, I appreicate it.

Everytime I ask him why she is more important, his reply is because they have a 3 year friendship. I can understand why thats important to him, but it just feels like I have (and always will have) second place to her.

I've noticed that most of the replys have been saying get rid of him. Easier said than done. I love this guy, more than i have with anyone else before and I know at one point he loved me in the same way.

Something happened about a year after we started going out and it hurt us both, though I got over it and he didn't. Since then the value of his friendships have increased and his feelings havn't been as strong though I still believed I was as important to him as he was to me. We talked about how he felt now and I understood and had accepted this, hoping that given time he would get over it. We still had our connection, and our fun.

I just think that he pushed it too far when he spent all of my days off with her, though he just doesn't understand how I feel.

I doubt he hangs out with her exclusively for the conversartion or her valued contribution to a team sport event ... then again, that could be exactly the situation ... a couple of ways.



timber

Xan02:

Wow lady. I tried to keep an open mind as I read through the answers to this topic. I tend to believe that things that are really worthwhile require sticking to and working out.

I've got to agree with the concensus here. He's not playing fair with you, and he needs a serious wakeup call, if it's possible.

Anon

Sometimes it hurts more to stay with a relationship than it does to walk away with your head held high.

If you think he has cooled the relationship, then step back, go live your life, take up something you've always wanted to do, utilize this time to take care of you, nurture your other friendships with girlfriends or men friends, use your space to re-evaluate your relationship and to obtain a new perspective.

You know the old saying, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was!

You'll get over him, believe me. If you allow each other your space you will both benefit and see that there's an awful lot of life out there waiting to be lived, so live it!

Love is only love if it's mutual, what good is it if you have to pressure someone for a kind word or a show of affection?

Wait for someone who will love you with everything he has, who will appreciate and admire you for you, not for someone he wishes you were.

Good Luck!

Looks like its 7-to-none against ... oh, wait a second ... Hi, Anon. Snuck in on me there. Make that 7.9875-to-none against.( :wink: to Anon)



timber.

I think that if I were you, I would have hit the road as 18 months is heading to 2 years, and in this day and age, thats a long term relationship.
His relationship with her is more important to him than yours, shows that he has no intentions of deepening the relationship you currently have.
I wouldnt settle for second best, as much as it hurts, I think Id rather call it quits and eventually move on. Like so many of us once you've gone over the hump in the road, you will wonder why you stuck around for a year let alone 1 1/2.
Girl, stop ripping yourself off. You deserve to be thought of like his girl-friend does.
Dont forget, You are pretty special too.

p.s Where is her boyfriend in all this?

Xan02, If your boyfriend truly loved you, he would be sensitive to your feelings and he certainly wouldn't tell you another girl is more important to him than you are. He does it because he can get away with it. Both you and the other girl are being taken advantage of.

I know you love him, but is this the kind of behavior you want to put up with? It's not likely he will change. In fact, things will probably get worse in your relationship. My advice would be to save yourself more misery, go your own way and look toward the future. I know there are plenty of decent men out there who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

I'm sure it would be hard for you to leave him, but he sounds like a very unstable, selfish person. Go to the mirror right now and tell yourself, "I can do better than that!" And then do it.

The best of luck to you.

There's also the intermediate step, before "that's it, we're done" -- you can sit down with him and say something along the lines of, "Look, I love you very much, but it really bothers me that you spend so much of your free time with this friend. I agree that friendships are important, and I'm certainly not telling you that you can't spend time with her. But I am in this for a serious relationship, and I feel like in a serious relationship, I should have a higher priority. If that's not acceptable to you, I think we have different views of the relationship and probably should not continue."

Then see what happens. Maybe he really does value you more than the friend in the scheme of things, but is liking the nights with you, days with her thing if he can get away with it.

You're buyin' ! You're definitely buyin' !!!


Anon

I know its hard to do, but set sex aside for a moment here. Friendship is a valuable thing, perhaps even a rare thing. Some count themselves fortunate to have a single friend in a long life. truely blessed are those who find and keep friendship alive with more than one person. Why should a person be jealous that their friend has other friends? Shouldn't one be pleased that their friend has the attributes to attract other friends? There is something about us, especially when we are young, that tells us that we must possess another entirely, exclusively, or the relationship is somehow diminished. We say to ourselves that we have foresaken all other friendships, so our friend should do no less. Is that really true, does one throw away friendships as some sort of proof they are friends now with another? Xan02, have you truely given up your friends?

But you will say, "sex can't be left out of the equation". I suppose not, especially when your harmons are raging. Natalie and I have been married for 37 years, and have been together longer than that. We've had some hard times, and some fat times. We've almost split the blankets on several occasions, but here we are still together all these years later. I cannot say that over the years there haven't been temptations, for both of us, to stray. However, so far as I know, we haven't. Would it really matter if there were some affair that occured sometime during the last 37 years? Nope, not as far as I'm concerned anyway. Lasting relationships are not really based on sex, but on friendship and sharing of thousands upon thousands of little experiences. It's nice to have a full and exciting sex life, but it ain't the end-all, be-all of lasting relationships.

Xan02, talk to your friend. If you can't work it out now, you won't work it out later. There is a world of interesting, nice people out there who want a friend. People who want friendly relationships aren't hard to find, they are almost all of us. Building lasting relationships takes a lot of patience, understanding, and sometimes even a little sacrifice. If I can live with Natalie's annoying habits for 37 years without resort to homicide, then anyone can live with their own friend's "failings". Now, Natalie would tell you that anyone who could live with me for over a month without going mad must already be insane. So it goes, and so it goes.

And, just to throw this out here - let's look at this practically.

You've been in this relationship for 18 months, and for the last 6, things have been cooler. While it's natural for things to cool down a bit after time (it's hard to sustain the "I can't wait to see you" exuberance), this seems to me to be more than normal cooling and instead a turning away of affection. And you don't have to put up with it. You don't have to take it.

There are other men out there. Lots of other men.

Why do you stay? You may want to ask yourself that. Why are you sticking around? To be a martyr for love? No one needs to be. There's nothing noble or wonderful about loving someone who doesn't love you back. You need not keep score about such things, but there should be reciprocation.

I thought about this, about the man's point of view, and in all honesty the only thing I can think of is much like sozobe has said - that he has things both ways and is getting away with it. This is an ideal situation for him. He gets his friendship (whatever that entails) with presumably few strings attached. And then he has you to come home to, and, I presume, to nurture him. What a great situation - for him! Fun with one, tenderness from the other one! Even if he isn't carrying on with her in a way that's beyond friendship, he is still getting a fine deal here.

What I am suggesting, and I can see pretty much everyone else is, is - turn the tables. Don't be the nurturing one he can take for granted. If he misses you, he'll be back. If he doesn't, you're better off without him.

Best of luck to you.

Xan02:

Yea, What Jespah said!! No kidding!!!!

By the way, JayBea and I still can't wait to see each other ... 23 years last December ... and we can't wait!!

Anon

Asherman (and everyone else!) gives great advice here. Just reiterating with my own personal experience:

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. Most of my friends are male and I spend a lot of time with them. However, his friendship is more important to me than anyone elses - he is, and should be, my best friend.

My boyfriend had a problem with one of my male friends (most of it unfounded, based on insecurity, some based in fact), but it was important to him and I've never had to make sacrafices with any of my other friends on his behalf so I cut off contact with this one friend. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would hope he would do the same.

It seems that he had a female friend (that I never meet) a long time ago. He suspected, based on her personality and mine, that there would be a major clash and a host of problems. So he got rid of her before I even knew she existed. He wanted me to be happy more than he wanted her as a friend.

You should always be treated as a best freind, never less. There lies the possibility that you have been such a pain in the ass about it that he's fed up and figures you aren't worth it - then again, maybe he felt this way before.

Either way, any man that tells you his friends are more important is telling you his friends are more important. Stay if you want, but get comfortable with second place (or third or fourth).

Anon, you and JayBea have been apart for 23 years? No wonder you can't wait to see each other! :-D

Just kidding.

Oh, and what Sugar said.