Confused about what it was

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Confused about what it was
Looking for opinions. Please don’t add to my heart ache by speculating on what did or didn’t happen, Ive done plenty of that.
My girlfriend began talking to an X-FWB a while ago. She knew I had issues with it but I voice my opinion that I didn’t want to stand in the way of friendships, my mistake. I did have pretty intense issues with it even though I tried to cover up and she knew this so it was driven underground and it became kind of a secret friendship, yes I know that is highly suspicious. I work far away from home for a couple weeks at a time. While I was gone last time he began contacting her a lot more and ended up telling her he had feelings for her, just as I feared originally. She did not tell me because she knew I would be completely opposed to it at that point. She says her feelings remained only in the friendship level. But she didn’t discourage him the way she should have. She told him more about me and our relationship and our life plans together and how happy she was with me. That didn’t seem to discourage him though as he started flirting with her and talking about old times. She says she didn’t contribute at all to the flirting other than allowing it to happen and she didn’t contribute to conversations started by him that ranged outside of the confines of a friendship. However one night after drinking with a friend she went to his house for about 30 minutes, where he made a move on her and tried kissing her. She stopped him, I know this because he and she both told me. She left and called me but did not tell me at the time where she had been or what had happened. Then the next night she started to go over again to hang out with him and two other friends she hadn’t seen in a year. I found out and stopped her. After I got home they continued to text here and there and of course the text were deleted, yes also suspicious. I had one conversation with this individual and he told me he had backed off because she chose me. He said to forgive her because she had just been confused and torn but that if he were me he wouldn’t want her anywhere near him because though nothing happened it very well could have. She says she was never confused or torn at all and whatever he thought could have happened was never on the table. She says he must think she was confused because she didn’t set him straight on his feelings for her being a dead end like she should have but the feelings were never returned. All contact with that person has been broken off.
My issue is putting this puzzle together. I can’t see him flirting with her and trying to make a move on her if she wasn’t giving signals, I especially can’t see that if she was telling him how happy she was with me and how she wants to have a kid with me. It doesn’t add up very well. I am considering talking to him more to try to get some closure or find out more of the picture here. I would like feedback from the community on whether that would be a good move on my part.
So the question is. Should I talk to the guy?

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@Trying To Be,

People flirt all the time with no 'signals' saying it's okay to do so.

Give your girlfriend a break. She told you where she was, and what happened. She stopped it before it went anywhere significant.

And you're going to question that?

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

3 Replies

@jespah,

I am trying to do just that.....but there were a lot of lies and half truths leading up to it that make it very difficult. Im certain if I snuck over to my X's house drunk, and planned to sneak over there again the next night she too would feel betrayed and have doubt.

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@Trying To Be,

Talk to the guy? no. he's not part of your relationship.

If you aren't able to trust your girlfriend, you have to decide if you're able to continue the relationship. You may not be ready for an adult relationship.

The question for me is why she's still with you.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

??? I didn't do anything wrong here, why would you question if I'm ready for an adult relationship? I'm not a kid anymore and I am very serious about my relationship with her and would never knowingly do anything to hurt her. In this case I'm the one that has been hurt. She is with me because she says that who she wanted was never in doubt. We are best friends, but she allowed him to think his feelings could lead somewhere and she put herself and our relationship in a position where there is doubt about what happened or why. To me this was an act of unfaithfulness. It fringed on an emotional affair. She knew I had issues with the guy and doubts about his intentions. Then she knew my doubts were accurate by his admission. Sneaking around going to see an X that has voiced intentions outside of friendship gives plenty of reasons to doubt. How does this make me the bad guy?

1 Reply

@Trying To Be,

Trying To Be wrote:

would never knowingly do anything to hurt her.

then think about trusting her

your whole post is about not trusting her

you either trust her or you don't

__

If you're both adults, you should be able to handle people continuing friendships with exes.

__

Re-read jespah's post and think hard about it.

1 Reply

@Trying To Be,

Trying To Be wrote:

I had issues with it

I did have pretty intense issues with it

yes I know that is highly suspicious.

as I feared originally.

She did not tell me because she knew I would be completely opposed to it at that point.

But she didn’t discourage him the way she should have.

She stopped him, I know this because he and she both told me.

I found out and stopped her.

also suspicious.

He said to forgive her

She says she was never confused

I can’t see him flirting with her and trying to make a move on her if she wasn’t giving signals,

you asked for opinions

my opinion is that you didn't trust her and don't trust her and I suspect won't trust her going forward

what's the point of being in a relationship like that?

I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationships with someone who is unable to trust me.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

I appreciate your responses and that is what I am trying to do. No my relationship with her has not been about not trusting her. This has been a weird situation and the only situation where there was any doubt. This person had made moves before knowing I was in the picture and I find it very to be a bit disrespectful to continue a friendship with someone who has no regard toward the relationship you are in. Whether you think so or not she was not very sensitive to how I feel knowing I am 5000 miles from home and going to a guys house that she had a history with and who wanted to continue that history. I am trying, that is why I am looking for advice. Thanks for looking at it from my shoes.

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@ehBeth,

If your just goping to look at the situation from one point of view then your advice is very unhelpfull. I'm sure everyone thinks it is completely acceptable to go to your X's house drunk who has voiced the desire to re-ignite old times but I don't. Thank you

1 Reply

@Trying To Be,

Have you talked to her about your inability to trust her in that one situation?

Be completely honest with her about it.

You have said you pretended to be ok with it - then complain that she wasn't sensitive to your feelings. None of us are mind-readers. I'm not. You're not. She isn't.

If you weren't ok with the ongoing friendship and were going to get bent about it - you needed to tell her - for all of your sakes.

0 Replies

@Trying To Be,

The only point of view we have to work from is yours. And what you have shown us is having a lack of trust in regard to your girlfriend.

1 Reply

@jespah,

re-read this

jespah wrote:

People flirt all the time with no 'signals' saying it's okay to do so.

Give your girlfriend a break. She told you where she was, and what happened. She stopped it before it went anywhere significant.

And you're going to question that?

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

think about it

0 Replies

@ehBeth,

Yes, I told her I was very uncomfortable with the situation and that I'd like it to remain casual until I can gain confidence in it and even possibly be a part of it. She agreed, and said they hardly ever talk anyway. We invited him to our house for a barbeque we were having with other friends. He declined, later I found out he declined because I was going to be there. She said they barely ever talked. Later I found out they were talking every day while I was gone. She told me before when this started I had nothing to worry about because if he or anyone else showed feeling that were more than friendship she would set them straight or back away from that relationship if her relationship with me wasn't respected. What happened was the opposite of what she told me she would do when she was trying to make me comfortable with it. I respected her feelings and respected her desire to remain friends with him. Really? You don't think I have a right to be upset, be hurt, or question things? I trusted her, I didn't put my foot down. I voiced my trepidations, and tried to find a path that allowed both of us to feel free but at the same time feel secure. The guy was openly making advances on her and she was not at all forthcoming with me. In fact she argued with me in his defense telling me I was wrong, after she knew I was right about his intentions.

3 Replies

@Trying To Be,

Here is a piece of advice I got off another site. This makes sense to me.

Your gf is right when she says that she should have been very direct with him from the very beginning and maybe this would have been avoided.

Aside from that, as far you feeling as if maybe she was receptive in a sense, maybe not. Some people are very persistent in their approach and everything but an exact hell no is a piece of hope for them. Some people just don't respect others relationships and it seems to be the issue with this guy. With that being said, your gf should have respected your wishes and once she seen that the friendship wasn't innocent on his part, she should have ended it out of respect for you. But it's over now so if talking to him makes you feel better then do it but what are you going to be getting out of it other then what she told you? If you have trust issues about what happened then your problem is really with her and you need to talk this over with her because you can't really expect too much out of a guy that didn't respect your relationship with her in the first place. If the circumstances was different, he'd still be pushing up on her. Voice your concerns with her and see how the trust can be put back into place, if at all.

1 Reply

@jespah,

I am realizing I did not give enough information here.

She didn't tell me any of this UNTIL he did. Up to that point she was telling me nothing at all happened and He had no interest in her other than friends. He started the ball rolling on telling what happened and until then she was very closed mouthed about it and even after that I had to pry to get the truth out of her. I didn't know anything had happened until he told me just enough to get her to start talking about it. She told me 4 times that she had told me everything when she hadn't told me anything. Now after finding out all this she says she has told me everything, I want to believe that but the first four times detracts from it.

1 Reply

@Trying To Be,

Trying To Be wrote:

Yes, I told her I was very uncomfortable with the situation

Trying To Be wrote:

I voice my opinion that I didn’t want to stand in the way of friendships, my mistake. I did have pretty intense issues with it even though I tried to cover up

so which was it?

1 Reply

@Trying To Be,

Trying To Be wrote:

I didn't put my foot down.

Trying To Be wrote:

I found out and stopped her.

hunh?

1 Reply

@Trying To Be,

Trying To Be wrote:

She didn't tell me any of this UNTIL he did.

and apparently what he told you was

Trying To Be wrote:

I had one conversation with this individual and he told me he had backed off because she chose me. He said to forgive her

instead

Quote:

I had to pry to get the truth out of her.

~~~

it's kind of hard to figure out why the two of you are together

2 Replies

@Trying To Be,

Trying To Be wrote:

Here is a piece of advice I got off another site. This makes sense to me.

Quote:
If you have trust issues about what happened then your problem is really with her and you need to talk this over with her

....

Voice your concerns with her and see how the trust can be put back into place, if at all.

I said the same thing.

0 Replies

@ehBeth,

I didn't put my foot down and say no I don't want him around. I voice my issues and told her what I would be comfortable with to start. She agreed, then did the exact opposite. You can take little clips of what I say out of context all you want. Or you can read it all and maybe put yourself in my shoes. If your boyfriend goes to his X's house drunk behind your back are you going to be okay with it. Give me a damn break or move on, you are not at all being helpful in any way here. I was lied to, mislead, and walked on. After I stopped her from going there she convinced me that it truly was only a friend thing for the both of them. So I sent the dirt bag a text asking to set up something so she could come over with me and we could hang out. So I ended up kissing the dirt bags butt who was trying to steal my girlfriend because she wasn't open about his intentions.

0 Replies

Confused about what it was

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