Extremely depressed I don't know what to do

Please advise if you can. Don't know if anyone will actually read this...

I have been in a long distance relationship for more than 9 years, and my boyfriend treats me so bad.

He told all his family that he doesn't see me anymore, and he always lies to me too, about many things. For so many years, he has been telling me, soon we will move in together, and sometimes he said, "The next time you come here (to his city) we will get engaged right away." Then he always says he is too busy working, or he doesn't have money...

He always tells me never to call him, that he would always call me, so that I won't accidentally call when he is with his family. He is not married, but probably he is planning on marrying someone from the same country as him, maybe that is why he treats me this way, because I am not the same nationality. I am a very nice girl, and a lot of people like me, but I could never think of being with anyone else other than him. So many years, I don't even go out, and I don't know what to do in my life because I am getting older! and getting afraid that he will marry someone else and I will be alone.

I am so distressed it is almost impossible for me to concentrate on my work. The last few years I have been so depressed that I didn't even respond to invitations from my friends, the result is that I have no more! I am really afraid I am going to help some problem with my health because I cry so often, and sometimes he just swears at me and ignores me for days and I don't even eat, I just want to stay home and cry, and then he calls again and acts like nothing happened. I can't complain about this, or else he will just do it more. If I say anything that bothers him, he will yell and swear at me, and then hang up the phone and disappear for awhile.

A few days ago, he said to me, he said to me that within the next two months he will have saved money to get bring me to live with him, or for him to come live here, and that we would live together and be together. Then, last night he sent me a text message saying he would be late. I waited for him to call as he usually does, but nothing. So, I sent a text saying I was worried and to text me. In the morning, still no reply, so I sent two more texts, but hours later, he had not replied. At this point, I called (my number does not show up due to my phone plan) and when he heard my voice, he hung up. I sent him a message saying, "Sorry I called but I was worried because you didnt answer." An hour later, I received 6 furious texts, saying, "Mother fuc***. you are so stupid. what the f*** you want" I replied, "what is wrong? What did I do?" and he replied, "you called me, stupid, i'm blocking you." Then I replied, "I'm sorry" and since then he blocked me and did not answer.

I know, I shouldn't even be asking this, I know someone who treats me this way is not planning to be with me in his life, but why is he doing this? If he does not want me, why does he treat me this way? Why does he still call me regularly and text me and be nice to me, and then do this? Not only, but when we visit each other, which is only a few times a year, he pays for the plane ticket and hotel, in total at least 2000 dollars, so would he really do this all just for sex if he doesn't love me? He is a very good looking guy, all my friends said so, and he could find a beautiful girl for sex very easily in his city.

In the beginning when we met, he was actually very nice to me, and then he moved away due to a family problem. The next few years, he started changing, but was still usually nice to me, and then the last few years he just treats me so bad and so often, but sometimes he is still nice, I dont know what to think.

If I call or text him, he won't answer, and whenever he does this, I am so terrified by the idea that I won't see him again in my life, I cannot explain how much I love him. I am worried that he won't answer me again if I don't email him or try to contact him in some way. If he doesn't want to see me anymore, is it really so difficult to tell me? Maybe it is, because I think really he feels sorry for me that he did this to me for so many years, only to leave me in the end. I think maybe that is really too difficult for him to face, because he feels guilty, so he responds with anger as if I have done something wrong. But what kind of person do I love that wouldn't even care enough about me to make a five minute phone call even, just to explain if he does not want to see me again?

All I want is to know the truth, maybe his family found a girl and he is going to get engaged, really whatever it might be, I would prefer to know the truth, so that I can know if he does not love me anymore. It is so hard for me to accept that he just starts swearing at me when I did nothing wrong, and disappears. He knows how upset I get when he does this, and actually he started doing it more and more when he found out I cried and was upset all day.

I really don't know what to do anymore, but I can't call him either, because he said he was going to block me, so technically it would actually be harassement if I kept texting him. But, I cannot live with the thought that, if this time he really does not call me again, I will never know why and I will never hear him one last time or have any explanation. If he does not want to see me anymore, I just want to hear his voice once to say so, so that I can always have that memory, and know that he does not love me.

Please, tell me what I can do, because I am so sad just crying and I am really depressed I don't want to say this but I feel like it would be better for me not to live. For me, I don't think I can continue my life, if the only person I loved so much does not love me anymore, I don't want to be with anyone else, I just don't want anything anymore in my life. And I know that even if I move far away to a new city, even if I try to change my life and meet someone new, I will never be free of this memory, it seems to me that no one else is as good as him. I know I will never love anyone else, and I just don't even want to be alive anymore if it is true that he does not love me. I cannot even bring myself to do basic things like get up and eat something, just in my room crying for days.

Of course, even if it is not nice that he lied to me for 9 years that we would live together "soon", he still has the right to leave me if he wants, but all I can ask is for him to say it, to hear his voice to say that to me. Not just to disappear with no explanation other than swearing.

Please tell me, what can I do?