I Don't Know What To Do!

Reply Sun 11 Oct, 2015 06:13 am
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. I'm 22 going on 23 and he's 20 going on 21. He's very mature for his age. When we first started dating, we were having sex off the wazoo. It started dwindling down over the past few months after he got a job. We both work 2nd shift, so that was expected. We still try to have sex every chance we get, but it's not the way it used to be. The passion is gone, and sometimes it starts to feel like it's a job within itself. Every now and then it will get really heated and we'll end up having great sex.
Here recently though I've been going through his browsing history on his phone to see what kind of porn he was into. Because it seems now that he watches more porn than actually wanting to have sex with me. My intent was to try to see what turned him on and what he liked so I could surprise him in the bedroom with it, just to spice things up. But last night after going through his history I found that he was searching things like "what to do if I'm not sexually attracted to my boyfriend" and "if your guy is bad in bed" and a whole lot of other "what ifs". And that had really hurt. I basically cried myself to sleep.
I know that from the time we started dating up until now, I have gained 60lbs. And it has been really hard to lose the weight, merely because I had taken weight loss pills the year before to lose all the weight that I had, but now I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life. And I don't look like I'm that big, but now I have a belly. My abs are gone and so is my self esteem. But my face is still cute af!
He tells me all the time that he loves me, and I know he does. But after seeing that it just makes me nervous. My last boyfriend had a sex drive that I just couldn't keep up with and he ended up cheating on me, and it had been going on for 8months before I even found out about it. I don't know if my current boyfriend would cheat on me or not. He says he wouldn't, and I used to feel that he wouldn't. But with everything that has happened in my past... What do I do?
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Reply Sun 11 Oct, 2015 09:08 am
You may not like this answer, but I think this is the only thing you can do. Since he has a busy schedule you may find it hard to have time for this. You need to just talk to him though. You should never have those thoughts rolling around in your head for too long because you'll end up beating yourself up. I think it'd be best if you sat him down and told him what's on your mind. It's probably the hardest thing to do in the beginning. I used to have doubts in my relationship. I'd just sit behind the scenes trying to read my boyfriends face but you never know exactly what the other is thinking and the same goes for you. How can someone know if there is an issue if you don't come out and say it? That is basically my motto now. When I have problems, even if they're minor, I just tell him because if you let it all accumulate under the carpet you will one day trip over it and fall. I say, be honest with him. And it'll work even better if he is honest with you. Trust is a two way street, and the only way to get there is by understanding each other. I will be honest now and say that anything can happen when you do this. You will either have a relationship that better than it has ever been or you may realize that you two may not work. It all comes down to what your problems are and if you can fix it, compromise, or live with it. I won't blame you if you don't follow my advice, fear is a very big thing in a relationship. But it seems you honeymoon phase is over and you need talk about what both of you want in this relationship. I wish you the best of luck and maybe someone else on here can think of something easier.
Reply Sun 11 Oct, 2015 09:09 am
Hey - just noticed your other question - about your boyfriend's pot use. Is that a fairly recent thing? cuz it could impact his sex drive.
Reply Sun 11 Oct, 2015 09:27 am
Thank you for replying. Our honeymoon phase didn't last too long, but we've usually been able to be open with each other about everything depending on what it is. I just don't know how to approach him about it because I went through his phone without him knowing even though I wasn't looking for anything bad. Because I know that my body isn't what it used to be, and I've had self esteem issues since I was little. This situation just brings up painfully familiar thoughts and emotions.
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Reply Sun 11 Oct, 2015 09:30 am
Thank you for replying. No, he's smoked since before we met. But it's not his sex drive that's the problem. It's that I don't know if he's sexually attracted to me anymore.
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Reply Tue 5 Jan, 2016 07:41 pm

You cannot expect that the sex you start a relationship with will last forever. Ask your married friends! There is an old story that goes if you put a pound into a piggy bank every time that you have sex in the first two years of your married life and take a pound out every time you have sex after the first two years you die a rich man. Jokes aside you say that you know your partner loves you. That is a great start. If you love him as you indicate then the best advice I can give you is to speak to him about it. Yes you may need to work harder at having great sex occasionally. Yes you may have put on weight. Yes you might have issues about your self esteem etc But these issues are not going to go away without some changes. The best change to make is to face the issues honestly with a discussion that involves him.
Sure you can tie a ribbon on it or wear a set of leather clothing or a pink boa but in the end what attracts someone to you is your kindness, love, compassion, sense of humour etc... What attracts someone sexually to you is very hard to maintain in perfect condition without really hard work. That hard work begins with a discussion. Its not embarrassing to ask what might work better.

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