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Fri 23 Jul, 2004 07:08 pm
i've been seeing a girl for the last few months and it started out really well. we were seeing each other nearly every day and having tons of fun together, and i thought we were very close. i have grown to love her.
but we have both recently changed jobs which cuts out of the time we can spend together...most days we both get out around 8 now (but we live only 10 minutes apart).
over the last month we have hardly seen each other at all. plans keep being made but then she always cancels, and always has a good excuse...but somehow she manages to see her other girlfriends regularly.
she is going away soon in about 10 days and i wanted to talk to her about that and see what her feelings were. but it seems whenever i call her on her cell, shes not there. i leave messages, and she doesnt leave messages back.
we had plans to go out to dinner tonight, which would be the first time seeing each other in a long time...i left messages on her cell the last couple days but she didnt return my calls. today i couldnt get ahold of her until 6:30 and she called to tell me that she couldnt make dinner because she had to help out with a play production. she said she was going to call me last night but it was too late when she got home...but i have told her before not to worry about that. i also called her and she didnt pick up, and then i think she bumped the phone or somethign making it auto-return my call because right after that i got a call and it was background noise sounded like she was hanging out with other people. she also had a weddinh to go to the next day and was busy with one of her girlfriends.
i was so pissed off i just hung up on her..she called back twice but i couldnt answer it. when i talk to her i feel like an idiot because she always has logical excuses for being busy, but it just doesnt seem that she could find so little time to see me. and i dont get it because before she would call me every day, and we have not had ANY problems that might have caused a change of feelings that I can think of.
my feelings have love have changed to something more of confusion grief and anger, although equally strong. i dont even know what i want from her anymore...other than to know what she REALLY feels for me.
i dont even know what tone it is reasonable for me to take with her. i want to be angry with her, but i know that when i talk to her i wont be...ill probably just start to feel that my concerns are unfounded and paranoid.
i dont think im going to call her anymore, although i want to hear her side more than anything. i want her to want to call me. i figure if she calls me again tommorrow willing or later willing to make time to see me i will.
i feel so stupid for loving her. reading this, it must sound so obvious that she is no good...but it is not so obvious when you understand what she is like when we are together. she always seems so innocent, so happy to be around me, so genuinely loving. i don't know what to do.
It doesnt sound at all "obvious that she is no good" ... but it does sound like her feelings have changed over time, and that you know it, kinda, even if you aren't quite ready to say it out loud yet ...
Times like these suck ... I think, when you re-read your post, you will recognize what you already know ... I understand that you feel you need her to explicitize it, just say it out loud, but - as someone who knows nothing about this except for what you just wrote - it sounds like she really, really doesnt want to say anything hurtful. Of course, by not saying anything she's being hurtful too, keeping you hanging on so to say, but thats just how many people deal with a situation they're uncomfortable with - they duck.
Perhaps she's already decided against you, but doesnt dare to tell you so (either because she doesnt want to hurt you, or because she is just scared of the drama) -- or perhaps she hasnt made up her mind yet and thats why she hasnt dared to say anything definitive yet, keeping her options open so to say. (That doesnt need to be cold calculation, it can be insecurity too).
I understand that you need her to tell you "her side", just to get closure ... but you may never know the full truth, and fretting about what it might be will just make you insecure. Thing is, it sounds like you will just need to move on ... Calling her over and over when she doesn't ever call back doesn't get you any answers either - and most certainly is not likely to win her back ...
You could, I guess, try one last-ditch full-honesty proposal: this is what I feel, I love you - and see how she reacts. But just going on what you write here, you stand a pretty overwhelming chance of getting rudely hurt if you do so - or getting more non-answers if she doesn't dare to tell you "no". You can also choose to be the one, yourself, to move on for now and leave her be for a while ... if she cares enough, she'll call you (and perhaps even tell you what was going on in her mind, for better or for worse). If she doesnt call ... well, you would also have the answer to the question you are posing, I think ... :-(
Sorry, Stuh, but it sounds like the honeymoon's over. Any relationship is really fun and exciting at the beginning, but the difference between a lasting relationship and "just another relationship" is that it continues through phases long after the initial excitement has worn off (as it seems to have on the part of your girlfriend.)
Looks like it's time to let it go.
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