husband is unhappy with me

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My husband and I have been married for 7 years. The first five years of the marriage was great, but the past two years he has been on and off steroids. When he started these steroids, he became mean to me. He said a lot of things to me that he never would have said before. I told him about a year ago that I wanted to have a child. He responded by telling me that I wouldn't make a good mother. He said that I have little patience.....and that i couldn't even take care of a dog. I cried for days running to my parents home. He has resented me for doing that. I told my parents what he said, and of course they were upset. He asked if I told my parents about our arguement , and I said "yes"...now he doesn't want me to go to my parents house. We went on a cruise....to the caribbean. He stared and gaulked at girl in a bikini. It was so obvious that the couple that went with us asked if we were alright...my friend mentioned that she felt embarassed for me about how rude my husband was being my staring at all the younger girls. I mentioned this to my husband, and he said that he can't help it. If I looked better and went to the gym, maybe got a tan...he wouldn't have to look at all the hotties. He said that I had really let myself go in the since we got married. At this time I was 34 years old...hardly able to keep up with the young good looking girls. Of course I cried for most of the trip after that.....well he finally went off the steroids when we got back home from our trip, and things seemed to get a little better. Well, I got pregnant, and he went back on the steroids.....I have to admit that I am not as interested in sex very much because of tiredness and nausea....so he kicked me out of the bedroom and started watching porn every night. I felt like this what I deserved because I wasn't giving him as much as he wanted. We were probably only having sex once a week. He still wants me to have sex more frequently even though he watches porn every night...and I feel pretty creeped out by this....he now claims I am manipulating him with sex. I told him that I really want him off the steroids before we have sex again because I don't know what he is injecting into his body, and I don't want it in my body affecting our baby. He was so mad at me that he called me a bunch of terrible names and he also said that he was "sorry that he ever met me"...and that if I run off to my parents again...that I am not welcome back. He said he is extremely happy, and he feels that he is still young enough to go out and find happiness. He also said that he is going to go out and get some sex from someone else. I am devastated by this whole thing that I am seeing a counselor....I have asked him to go, but he says it is a waste of time and won't go. I am pg, and scared...I know this stress isn't good for my baby.

Does this marriage sound doomed

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Yes.

What an absolute jackass and what the hell are you doing letting this scumbucket get away with treating you like trash? What on earth were you thinking getting pregnant with this man? Yikes, that muddies the waters big-time. If the first 5 years were as good as you say then maybe it is the steroids that have ruined him - you have GOT to get him off them. This guy needs a huge wake-up call, or you need to get away from him if he doesn't come to his senses.

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<sigh> I'll assume that these steroids are being used illegally, not by any perscription. Yes, you have a major problem on your hands. Steroids increse testosterone, and the aggresive tendencies connected with that. Steroids can also make a man sterile, or kill. He needs serious help, and probably addiction counselling. Good luck. If he gets off them for good, he'll probably settle back into the good man he used to be, but it's gonna be a long tough road, and you need to put your foot down, or leave.

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Look at the way you titled this thread, Tamaranne! Classic low self esteem! A better title might be, "I'm unhappy with my husband"!

The guy is acting like a complete jerk. Steroids or no steroids, there is no excuse for acting like this. I'd be packing my bags by now.

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Brief advice:

He was like this during a period of being on and off steroids. He was agressive, but he was also unfaithful too, in whom his eye favoured. He is awful, despite the steroids. And frankly, you don't need to waste your life being tied down to him, whether he comes off the drugs or not. What's the use? I know that it has to be your decision. But, I strongly, strongly advise you to get the hell out of there, quickly.

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Steroid addicts can also very quickly turn dangerous. There's a term for it "Roid Rage". (So many terms these days end in "Rage".)

I've heard of steroid addicts forming pacts with other addicts who 'watch out for them' in case the roid rage gets out of hand.

You're married to a drug addict. If he doesn't get help, the marriage is doomed. And with steroids you're taking a risk just being around him, similar to the risk spouses face from 'angry drunks'.

There's no way to deal with a partner who's a drug addict. The ONLY solution is that they get clean and STAY clean.

I don't have any 1st hand experience with steroid addicts, but I do have first hand experience with several alcoholics in my family and I can tell you flat out, until they're clean, life is hell for anyone involved with them. And with alcoholism that hell can last for decades.

Please look out for yourself. Try to get your husband help, but if he can't or won't accept the help, you've got to look out for yourself.

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I agree--get out. Plan ahead. Wait until he's working and then move out--clothes, books, possessions and all.

He takes the steroids to feel like a Real Invincible Man--and then when doubts creep in, he belittles and abuses you--and you put up with it.

Plan ahead. Get out. Your situation could turn very dangerous in the near future.

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tamaranne,

here are a list of warning signs and another link on the issue of psychological abuse. I hope they are of some help.

-jjorge

PS good advice from Heeven, Eva, Noddy et al.

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Warning Signs of Abuse

How can you tell if you or someone you know is a victim of psychological abuse? Usually, an abuser relies on certain words & behaviors that work to control his partner. Experts in domestic violence say answering "yes" to any of the following questions is a sign that a relationship is abusive.

Has your partner:

Called you names, made you feel badly about yourself or humiliated you?

Ignored your feelings or withheld approval, appreciation or affection to punish you?

Insulted your most valued beliefs, religion, heritage or class?

Tried to control what you do, with whom you spend time & where you go?

Taken control of the family's finances or prevented you from working?

Threatened to hurt you or your children, or threatened to leave you?

Smashed things, destroyed property, given you looks or made gestures that make you feel afraid or intimidated?

Punished your children when he was angry with you?

Abused pets to hurt you?

Manipulated you with lies & contradictions to make you doubt your grasp of reality? Has your partner ever said "you're crazy" or tried to make you feel that you are crazy?

Laura Gatland, 10.18.99

(from: http://open-mind.org/News/Abuse/4a.htm )

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http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.htm

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I agree with the others. This man is an abusive ass and you need to get away from him and get on with your life. I can't understand why you wanted a child with this man after he was already abusive to you, but you can't change that now. You need to get out of that house before he gets physically abusive, if he hasn't already. Even if he got off the steroids, I would never trust that bastard again. No one deserves to be abused. Dump the jerk and you'll see how much nicer you life can be.

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tamaranne, seek reinforcements! get your parents, big brothers, friends, whoever you've got, because you'll need them for support. i agree totally with noddy. get out now. but do wait until he is at work. go to your parents and seek help! trust me. i have a story i could tell you about my ex-husbands dad...who was mr.universe, mr. world, mr. all of those stupid bodybuilding pageants in the 70's and 80's...he was a terrible father to his kids, an awful husband to their mom! i could talk for hours telling you of the abuse. steroids tore that family up...and i am positive that in some ways ruined my marriage to their son. get out. get out. get out. for your baby's sake too. and also see a good attorney. i would not trust that man alone with your future child. i know this may sound weird coming from a stranger...best wishes to you. sorry for the lower cases...i'm holding my little sweetie in left arm! i'm worried now. i'm afraid you will not get out of this marraige. you don't have the time to wait for him to recover, honestly. you've got a baby on the way who needs protection. take care!

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So, what are ya still doing there? Sorry to be flip but, really, I'm sure you realize, without any of us telling you, that this situation is awful. Wanna see what happens if he gets angry with you in front of the baby? What if he pushes you down while you're pregnant, or holding a young baby? Don't think it can't happen - right now he's hitting about every warning sign there is out there.

You deserve better. He's a creep. Get out now.

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Hey, I can only speak for myself, but no way in hell would I even consider having a child with this idiot.

Get rid of him and move on with your life. You're better than this.

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I know where you're coming from...
I too am married to a steroid user. We've only been married for 2 years. I had no idea what kind of person he really was. He is 45, never been married. I am 43 with 3 teenage sons. Needless to say, the marriage has been a nightmare. I have asked him many times about what he is on. He won't be honest. I have found evidence of his use and I guess it is safe to say abuse. He has got into it with all 3 of my sons over ridiculous things. He never thinks he is in the wrong...things are always someone else's fault. This week I found that he is taking a combination of clomid, clenbuterol and some other breast cancer drug - apparently he is coming off his latest cycle. What is he trying to ovulate too? For the past several weeks we've all been experiencing his rage. I guess I'm relieved to know the cause but what is it with these people? Are they truly willing to give up relationships so they can have big arms, walk around in sleveless shirts and have people ask how much they can bench press? It's really sad...I feel nothing but pity for my husband and any other jerks out there who are willing to live with shrinking balls, losing hair and looking like an idiot to everyone so they can feel like a real man. Nothing makes my husband happier than for someone to comment on his size. He doesn't care that he is an absolute impossible asshole to anyone that really knows him. I'm with you girlfriend. I'm trying to figure out my own course of action with this guy. He doesn't have the capability to reason. He is a complete narcissist as I'm assuming your husband is also. It's sad but you never really know a person I guess. But these jerks that are so superficial and truly obsessed with looking good in their own minds are a breed all their own. They are completely out of touch with what a real man is. Being a real man has nothing to do with the size of your biceps assholes. What are you thinking? If my husband is any indication of what becomes of a user, it leaves nothing redeeming in your character. We live in on pins & needles in fear of his next episode of drama. A stripped out screw can absolutely send him over the edge. Not being able to long on to a link on the internet is God punishing him. It's bizarre. I find myself invisioning him in a pair of high heels as he is bitching, nagging and griping about the same stuff over and over and over. He is more of a woman than any female I've ever known! If you guys had video camers in your house, we could make a fortune making a reality show about you! It would be sad & hilarious all at the same time!

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dana, I hope you find a way out of that mess.

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Dana, Divorce him. Neither you nor your sons need that ?+#$@! in your lives. Not to upset you further, but he is abusing your sons. Maybe not in a physical sense, but emotionally...not to mention you. You all deserve better. Like I said earlier, "the stories I could tell..."

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Tamaranne & Dana,

Your situations sound so frightening. It's so easy for the rest of us to tell you to get out of the marriage and then dust our hands off believing we've done our job in telling you what needs to happen and then all will be fine. It's never like that. Leaving isn't easy, especially for those who have no support group to go to, like family members or good friends who can give you a place to stay and help in starting over.

Tamaranne, you may have it the easiest for if you can go to your parents, by all means GO and as soon as possible. A previous poster mentioned to wait until he wasn't home, and then pack and go. Yep, it's not easy but doable. I'm sure your parents will be happy to help and keep you safe.

Dana, your situation is more difficult simply because there are more kids involved. However, you've only been married to this man for two years. You've had a life before him and probably were able to manage on your own. Unless it's a life threatening situation, make your exit with care so you can begin again. Oh, and once you do, stay FAR away. That Steriod Rage does awful things to people. I co-worker of mine didn't leave until he put her in the hospital. She was lucky he didn't kill her--and their 4 year-old daughter.

Good luck

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husband is unhappy with me

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