Should I make a big deal or let it slide?

Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2015 01:46 pm
My boyfriend and I live together, a couple months ago a "friend" of his that he use to sleep with, came over wanting to spend the night because she had nowhere to go. He never asked me if it was OK or how I felt, he just told her she could. Some things happened, she did some inappropriate things and they were being too friendly with each other. I got really upset and I left our house to stay with my mom for a couple days. We talked it over and I decided to come back home. While talking I asked him if it would be a problem for him to stop talking to this girl all together because it made me uncomfortable and he said he could do that for me. So months went by and I hadn't heard about her until yesterday she called my house phone. They talked and she called back a couple times to talk again. I am upset not only because he talked to her but also while I was sitting in the same room he began talking bad about how he felt about me and our relationship... Basically that we were having issues and that he was only happy some of the time. I didn't say anything right away, I gave it 24 hours and it is still upsetting me so I feel like I need to talk to him about it. My question is, is this something I should be making a big deal about? Should I bring it up to him? And if so, what is a good way to say something so that he will understand that it is important to me and respond with empathy!? We have been having some communication issues recently. I have been feeling some type of way about all the issues he has with me. He brings up my downfalls often...so much in fact that I began to feel like he doesn't like me as a person and that I need to change myself for him to like me even though I know those feelings are irrational. I do not believe that he would cheat on me and I know he loves me but I am afraid that this girl and his emotional relationship will grow if I let it. I don't want him to have that emotional connection with anyone but me and it is not OK with me that he tells her about our relationship problems so she feels like she can step in! Thank you guys for reading. Please help!!
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Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2015 03:29 pm
Basically that we were having issues and that he was only happy some of the time

Even leave everything else out but this above - there is a problem. He is talking with someone else on the phone in front of you saying you have issues. Did you know you had issues? Did he ever speak with you about these issues? Yes you should ask him what issues do we have? There is definately a problem if you two are having issues and he is only happy some of the time - especially if you two haven't talked about it. You need to discuss this and try to work it out or else decide you don't want to work it out and split.

The other problem - he promised you he would not have contact with her - if you decide to work this out, then you should bring up this other thing. Not ponder so much on the ex girl part, but the fact that he pretty broke your trust. I would hope you are more upset that he broke his trust than the ex girl thing.

As an aside - also when writing this - it is much easier to read if you break things out in paragraph form - long paragraphs tend to get people not wanting to read it.

I'd work on these things first - but I kinda worry that the way he is handling this - he wants out - but it is completely a gut feeling - you should know better.
Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2015 03:35 pm
There are too many issues to deal with on a forum like this. You are better off talking with people who can provide ongoing support to you.

I would make a couple of observations though:

- your self esteem is always worth standing up for. It's something every person needs to work on (working on your self esteem, and standing up for yourself - respectfully)

- When a person you care about speaks to you with disrespect, it is worth standing up for (eg please don't speak to me in a condescending tone of voice).

- Usually the way a person speaks says a lot more than the content of what they are saying. This goes for anything he says to you, and also, for anything you say to him.

- Often, when you can't work out why he is behaving the way he is (or you can't work out why you are behaving the way you are) it comes back to the tone of voice that the person is using. If things suddenly go haywire, it's worth taking a step back and doing a mental review of how things were just said. All that said, some people can be trouble, no matter what you do, or how you say something.

Probably the best advice I can give is: work on your self esteem, work on standing up for yourself, work on your communication skills. This might require educating yourself with some books, or watching people who have these things / skills, and it will always involve practice (even the best still practice) - peoples lives keep improving as they gain these sort of things.
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Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2015 03:49 pm
We have talked about his issues. We have a past and he doesn't completely trust me because of it. My problem with him is he always seems to have problems with me that he talks about all the time. I feel like I'm not good enough. He doesn't want out he wants the opposite. He tells me that he wants me to take him and our relationship more seriously. I believe I do take it seriously.
Sometimes I feel like he is trying to manipulate me to make me act the way he wants. He always wants me around and doesn't like me to do anything without him. It's like in order to make him happy I need to make everything about him. I agree to an extent but I don't want to lose myself.
The problem with her is when she came to our house she over stepped some boundaries. She was all in his face, she got in the bathtub with her legs in the air and called him in there. I walked into my bedroom and they were both laying on my bed with his arm around her and said they were just talking! That's what put me over the edge and caused me to leave! So my issue is that he broke my trust but also that she is an ex and they have a sexual history.
I don't think it's appropriate even if our issues are out in the open, for him to talk to her about them especially in front of me. It makes me feel like he's trying to upset me.
We have some problems to deal with, I just don't know how to go about talking to him about her because I don't want to tell him he can't have friends but she makes me insecure and uncomfortable
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2015 05:53 am
I feel like I'm not good enough.
Why do you suppose you feel that you are not good enough? Is it because
he always seems to have problems with me that he talks about all the time.

If he has all these problems with you, then why does he keep you around? Does he ever speak highly of you to anyone? Anyone at all? Compliment you in front of others? Compliment you when you are alone? (And not just when he wants sex or just after sex, but rather for no reason at all.)

As far as the girl, I think it is a reasonable request for him to stop being in contact with her, based on her behavior. If he is not willing to do that, then just how devoted to you is he really? (Example. Many years ago, a woman on my bowling team and I flirted quite a bit. I am and always have been a bit of a flirt and it never bothered my wife before or since. But for whatever reason, it bothered my wife that she and I flirted so much. My wife expressed her concerns and guess what? I stopped the flirting. Not because I thought I was doing anything wrong, per se. But because I love my wife and would never, ever want to do anything that hurt her or gave her cause for concern. That is called love.)

Anyway, I would seriously suggest you sit down and really look at this relationship. Letting him make you feel as though you are not good enough is no way to go through life. You deserve better. You deserve someone who will love you and cherish you. And someone who will discuss any relationship problems with you and try to work through those problems. Not someone who discusses them with an ex. That is just plain wrong.
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