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Fri 18 Sep, 2015 06:27 pm
I have been casually dating a widower whom he lost his wife a few months ago. He lives in another state. We met because we worked together but has recently moved back home (1200 miles away) to raise his younger son. We were together for 5 months before he moved and I ended up falling for him and he has told me he has fallen for me. he has an older stepdaughter from his late wife. Before he left, we talked about ending the relationship as I live in the East coast and he moved to the Midwest and the likeliness of us seeing each other will never happen. Needless to say, it's been a month since he left and we talk, email, text every day. His son knows his daddy has a "friend" but his stepdaughter doesn't know much about me. Before me moved, I helped him pack, I surprised him and had his sons Fathers Day pictures framed and his stepdaughter asked who helped and he said a friend. But that was it. He calls me when she is not around. We have spoken about where we are going and he is nervous and confused because he wants to be with me but doesn't know the repercussion of what people are going to say with him being with someone so soon after her death. Another BIG thing is, I am in the middle of a divorce. I no longer love my husband as I fell in love with my widower. I want to be with him and he wants to be with me but is nervous. He was upfront in the beginning that he didn't want to be involved with anyone but ended up liking me more then he expected and I him and we fell for one another. I told him we should take a break because of the uncertain future and he told me he doesn't want to end with me. He cares about me and worries about me. He thinks of me all the time and he sees me being with him in the future. I want to be with him and am willing to relocate but when I've brought up to him me visiting him out west he said no. I don't know what to do. I feel bad that his wife passed away, but she was sick for a very long time. I just don't know if I am wasting my time, or if I should tough it out with him. He is the most kindest loving man I ever met. We were "active" and it was amazing. He is everything I was looking for in a partner. Another thing is, he is older then me by 10+ years. I am 5 years older then his stepdaughter. But age was never an issue with us. My almost ex husband is 10 years older then me. Do I tough it out or let it go.
@BeccaH,
Are you living on your own?
@ehBeth,
No. I'm still sharing the home with my "husband" as we are still going over the logistics of splitting up or assets.
@BeccaH,
You're living with your husband, not divorced yet?
Then you're not really in a good place to consider a new relationship, particularly someone who is likely not finished the grieving process.
Once you're divorced, and have lived on your own for six months or a year, you'll be in a better place to consider developing a new relationship.
Having sex with someone else is good, just don't expect it to be your next long-term relationship.
@BeccaH,
BeccaH wrote: when I've brought up to him me visiting him out west he said no. I don't know what to do.
let him sort out his family out west, while you learn to live independently again.
Once both of you have things sorted out, you can consider a future together. It could be a few years.
@BeccaH,
BeccaH wrote:
I have been casually dating a widower whom he lost his wife a few months ago.
the repercussion of what people are going to say with him being with someone so soon after her death.
he's got his own internal stuff to sort out - what others say won't matter once that has happened
@ehBeth,
That's how my relationship with W started. He understood the problems I was going through bc he also went through it with his wife. And that's how we got to where we are now. He was just suppose to be a friend and became more then that.
@ehBeth,
Here is where the confusion is with the visiting. We are planning on meeting in the middle from both of us. we just haven't been able to come up with a date since we have different work schedules.
@ehBeth,
It's funny you mention that bc although no one at work knows what occurred they also say the same thing of what you are saying. But when I tell him that, he gets really upset and says they don't know what is going on between us. And he's happy with me and he looks forward to speaking with me when we do, and that people are always going to talk. But I feel he gets upset when it's people on my side, but when the tables are turned he feels differently.
@BeccaH,
Take some time. Get your divorce complete. Set up housekeeping on your own.
It's probably been a way since you lived on your own and I think it's important to get used to yourself first - then add someone else (plus kids) afterward.
@BeccaH,
Have you made any progress on your divorce?
Are you still living with your husband?
@ehBeth,
Yes, he was served with divorce papers. And I am no longer at home with him. I have moved out. Couldn't be happier.
@BeccaH,
That's great to hear.
Now you can focus on finding out more about yourself and enjoying life.
@ehBeth,
Yes. Im really happy. And my widower just asked me to go steady. So im excited to see where we go. As we have spoken that I might relocate to where he is.
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