SHOULD I LET GO OF HIM AND THE RELATIONSHIP

I want to give a recommendation, but it's a tricky area you've entered.

I say that because none of us know your relationship as well as you do, and sometimes it is best to weigh out the advice you recieve and dismiss most of it as garbage. But the worse you feel the more advice you should listen to rather than acting on what you feel, but that is usually when you are most likely to ignore others.

Sorry, just thinking of someone else one here (which I'm sure the others will mention). And here's my advice, leave him alone for a while. If there is any chance for the relationship to be restarted, it will be because he starts to miss you, not because you put in enough effort to win him back. Back off for a while, and then bump into him as a friend. Don't unload yet, just write him to tell him about your day, or ask if he wants to go get something to eat. To talk about the relationship? No. Just a bite to eat, because you're bored, and he's fun to be around. Nothing more. If that goes well repeat, don't jump ahead yet. Jumping ahead will scare him off. It's like fishing, you're just dangling your hook in the water. If you throw a big ball of bait in all the fish just run away. Then "accidentally" run over his dog. This will force him into a situation where he has to deal with you on an emotional level. As soon as you have access to this level of him again start installing spyware in his computer, or find out his email password to see if other girls have been writing him. If in fact they have been, regardless of whom or why, confront him irrationally, screaming and crying, until he's scared out of his mind, and then go in for a kiss. Nothing puts a guy in a better mood for romance than fear.

Well, good luck to you. Be sure to post pictures of what your kids look like.

Back off from him and give him his space. In the meantime, do wonderful things for yourself, whatever those are (go to the beach, hang out with your friends, etc.). If he becomes interested again, fine. If not, then you haven't missed anything and have become a more exciting and alluring woman for other men.

And, if you get into another relationship, I suggest you wait at least a few months. By my calculations, you've been with this guy since you were 15 or 16, possibly your entire dating life. Find out what it's like to not be dating someone. It's not a tragedy to be on your own for a while.

Yes. I know that sounds harsh but if his feelings have actually changed then there is nothing you can do. The best you may accomplish is to delay the inevitable. It is possible he is going through a phase, or may change his mind, but the fact is he brought up "breaking up" having had a month of being single to compare to two weeks of being a boyfriend. I know you two were a couple for a year and half before this time, but the fact that you did "take a break" shows that everything was not going well.

Since you are 17, I am assuming your boyfriend is somewhat close to you in age (no older than 23 or 25). A man that age can feel burdened by a serious relationship. It limits time with his friends. It limits opportunities with women (not that he may plan on dating alot, but sometimes the freedom alone is refreshing). It was considerate of him to actiually tell you his feelings on your relationship. Other people might have just blown you off until you eventually got the message, or started dating someone else without telling you.

He has expressed his feelings on the matter. If you try to hold onto him it may keep him from working out whatever it is he may have to. He will just break up with you later rather than sooner. If you let him go, there is also the chance that he may end up feeling that he is happier with you, and come back. If you truly care about him, if he is not currently happy then would it not be the right thing to let him go?





I just wanted to address this since it seems to come up alot in regards to relationships and breakups. The fact that your boyfriend brought this up recently does not mean it has not been on his mind for awhile. It just means that he finally got up the courage to mention it. Ultimately, if he is not willing (or ready) to be with you then you just have to let it go and move on with your life. It would not be fair to either of you to do otherwise.

Lover 123, heartbreak hurts, but it seems that your ex is probably out of the picture. It isn't you or him, It's life. Go
out with friends, keep busy. You will always have a soft spot in your heart for him, don't let it spread to your head. Listen two jespah and DreaminTheNight

SCoates I am sure you were trying to be sarcastic or funny or whatever, but this kid is looking for advice to get her through a rough time, so the joke fell a bit flat. .

I agree in the others in saying there's nothing you can do, except for treat yourself well. Pamper yourself and enjoy your young years. If he changes his mind, great, but if not, you honestly don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You'll love again, but in the mean time, go out and have a blast with your friends. It's summer time and there's so much to do.

The best of luck to you.

Ah, the humor of it all....LOL


LOL

This is funny as heck, yet not funny at all. The suggestions you provide are over the top (insanely so)--but it is true that people often go to ridiculous and obsessive lengths to hang onto the object of their desire when it is best to simply let go.

It was most clever of you to point this out in a humorous manner. I appreciate the effectiveness of your approach.

Right now this guy does not want to be your boyfriend--and probably wouldn't appreciate being chained in your cellar to "think it over". If he wants to walk, there is no way to stop him from walking or dating other people.

If you live in the same area and attend the same school, he will still be "in your life", even though he won't be the other half of a couple with you.

You've been going steady (with intermission) for 18 months. Probably you've forgotten how to be a single. This is not uncommon. Having a steady or a fiance or a husband takes a lot of time. Not only did he have a chunk of your heart, he had a fair-sized piece of your daily, weekly and monthly schedules. His absence leaves a hole--some of which is heartbreak and some of which is habit.

Jespah has given you excellent advice about cultivating yourself as an attractive, resourceful, well-informed single person. You can't make any decisions for him, but you can make resolutions for yourself.

Learn a new skill. Read a good book. Investigate volunteer possibilities. Ask your mother for cooking lessons. Ask your father to show you tricks of home repair. (If you have modern parents, you might ask your father about cooking and your mother could be the Ms. Fixit of the family).
Focus your new-found time on discovering and extending yourself.

Good luck.

"Should I let go of him and the relationship?"

The fact that you're asking this question indicates that the answer is most likely "YES."

Your situation sounds alot like mine...so I'll tell you my "story" and perhaps you can learn from my mistakes. My boyfriend and I had only been together for 6 months, but were very serious, as he is 23 and ready to find someone to settle down with. At the beginning of this month, we started fighting...alot. We finally had a discussion where we both acknowledged that our relationship was on the rocks, but wanted to stick it out. After that, we went on two more dates, which were great...things were looking up for us. However, during the second date, we met up with some of my friends later on in the evening, and my friend ticked him off, which caused my boyfriend and I to start fighting, and so he called it off. I was in so much shock, that I just agreed w/ everything he said. When he said it wasnt working, I agreed, when he said we couldnt go on, I agreed. Well, the next day I realized I didnt agree at all, and so I called him. He didnt pick up so I left a message just pouring out my heart, how I wanted to make things work, etc. He texted me back the next day saying, "Thanks for the kind words but it cannot be right now." So then I texted him back the day after saying, "I miss you but understnad if you need time, I will wait." So I waited, like everyone told me to....but maybe not long enough. After a week since our break up, I called him to "touch base." It started off ok...just making small talk...I thought maybe I had a chance, but then the relationship was brought up. Big mistake...we argued more because he didnt know why we broke up but needed to be on his own, and I wanted answers. The only thing that he really told me that wasnt "I dont know" was that if when he broke up w/ me, I hadnt agreed w/ him, we'd probably still be together. That killed me. SO THEN, (I'm pretty stubborn, huh?) I wrote him a letter...saying that I normally wouldnt pursue things so much, its not like me, but how much I wanted us to work, and possibly be something in the future (b/c we had even talked about getting engaged one day)...but that this was it...I wasnt going to try anymore, because there was nothing I could do. And thats it. It's been almost a week since he probably recieved the letter, and I've heard nothing. So...what I want to get across from all this: no matter how hard you try, a relationship takes two people. It cant be forced. Did all my attempts make me feel better? Not really...it just left me hanging on to hope when I could have been making myself feel better. I didnt listen to advice, I listened to my heart, and so far, it didnt work out so great. Sometimes its best to chose your head over your heart.

Hi Amanda
Hi Amanda:

Thank you for sharing your story.

Yes, both people must truly want to be in the relationship before it even has a chance of succeeding.

Your ex-boyfriend's explanation--if YOU had not agreed with HIM when he said he wanted to breakup, that the two of you would probably still be together--is manipulative blame-shifting, pure and simple. That allows him to escape responsibility for his own bad behavior and to make YOU feel bad (to make you feel like the break-up was all your fault--and that YOU are the one that needs to make amends). He's childish and anything but ready to settle down. On top of that, I think he has a controlling, insensitive personality that could lead him to be abusive.

If the two of you were truly in love and a good fit for each other, he would have been more considerate of your feelings. He would have tried harder to get along with your friends to please you. Even if he didn't connect with your friends or one of them said something that he didn't like, he should have disregarded the matter as insignificant in comparison to protecting the relationship he had with you. He didn't do that! I think you're lucky to be rid of him because what was your alternative? Were you supposed to isolate yourself away from all your friends and family who might tick him off in some way in order to please him?

Beware of men who can't get along with your friends. Count your blessings!

I agree with debra, the way he acted was immature and may say a lot about his character (or lack there of). The most important line though is that he is not ready to settle down like he thinks.

In his defense, I have been in his position, where I did all the things you say he did, and the fact was it was because she treated me so badly that I was about to break mentally. Looking back I was pretty immature, but I was as bad of a guy as she made me think I was. I don't know if that applies to you, but my point is you shouldn't judge him. You don't know what he's going through mentally. But still, he's not ready for a relationship... needs a little ripening still if he's serious about settling down.

well i definitely wasnt ready to settle down for a while, so if we had gotten engaged, it would have been a long engagement! i definitely think he can be immature and very manipulative (im suprised you picked up on that just from one little post!!)...he has alot of baggage and unfortunately i got the brunt of it--his father passed away when he was 19 which still affects him today, and he is a police officer...perhaps you have heard the "horror stories" of how cop stress affects relationships. anyhow, i am giving him space- and you're right, i dont know where he is mentally right now, but according to him, he has alot of "personal issues to deal with." thing is, if he ever does get himself together and come back (part of me feels like i need to stop hoping for that though), i dont know if i could trust him again- he's really hurt me through this break up.