DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

Diary of a Snow Shoveller

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow.
I am so happy we sold the house in Arizona and moved here. I was really
tired of all that heat.

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in
years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want
to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man.
I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I
will certainly get back in shape this way. I just wish I wouldn't
huff and puff so much.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked
the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a-s on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like h--l. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn white stuff last
night. More shovelling. Took all day. D--n snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
s--t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, went pee pee and dressed again, I was
too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a--hole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
Six more frigging inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b---h who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles
an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the d--n snowplow.


December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D*#x@!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate snow! Then
the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm
going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the h--l did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE B---H is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I need to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the
silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for that
teeny bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9"predicted.

December 31
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?