I have cheated and need advice

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I am a 27 year old female and have been in my relationship for 6 years, living together for 5 years.
My partner is 10 years older than me. He is the love of my life. He is much a part of my family as I am his.
I would have preferred to have met him later in life perhaps, to avoid what I am about to reveal.
For the past year I have cheated on my boyfriend 5 times with the same man. He is also in an long term relationship. The first 3 times we passionately kissed. The last 2 we took it slightly further, however we have never had sex.
After much agonising guilt and self questioning, I have accepted my actions as wrong and have cut off all ties. Explaining that I want to concentrate on my current relationship as we are now headed towards marriage.
I know this will not happen again and in a way (however selfish it may seem to an outsider) I really feel I must have done what I did as a last romance. However awful that sounds. I have never in my life cheated before and have not done since.
The other guy (I have discovered) is a serial cheater and clearly has no bad feelings for his actions. I seem to be the only one feeling remorseful (we discussed this as I broke things off).
I know that confessing would mean the end of everything, I have no doubts about this. I cannot risk this.
I want to recommit and dedicate myself to my partner and leave this in the past.
I am hoping that confessing here will set me free, as in my real life I am choosing to keep this close to my chest as a mistake never to be repeated.
Does this make me terrible? Please help. Thankyou

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Sounds like you got conned by a con. What a cad! Be glad you got out of this.

IMO, You were too young to get involved with your present man at that age. (six years ago) and such a huge age gap. You have not explored the world enough. Hence, you fell for a manipulating guy who comes along.

Still, he must have pushed some kind of button. What was it? Excitement? Sex? Money? Fun? Comfort? Emotional or intellectual attractiveness? Try to figure out why you strayed from a man you say is your love of your life. This situation will repeat itself if you don't find out.

Professional counseling might help you reveal with is missing in your relationship, or what you were seeking.

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@InMyHead,

Monogamy isn't natural. Sex is pleasure and pleasure should be shared. Limiting our enjoyment of physical and sexual intimacy to just one person is to deny ourselves and others something wonderful. Religion's rammed the one man and one woman paradigm down socoety's throats for millenia and that's really unfortunate. There's objective science showing how cultures with emphasize monogamy and religions which push it are far more violent than those which do not.

How things work and are done in the US should not be considered to be the best way. Look how we're currently the primary source of wars in the world. Look how Christianity and monogamy are the paradigms which define our culture. Look at other countries and cultures and how they far more sexually permissive and evolved than we are and don't start wars all over. These things are related.

If your current lover would break up over your sharing pleasure with another he isn't who you should be with. You're just going to elave him eventually anyway, better now than years hence when it just hurts you both even more than ending things now.

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@HesDeltanCaptain,

From another post: Fits the bill.

"Suffice it to say that whichever interpretation of these events becomes a matter of belief for you will have important personal and social consequences."

-Sam Harris The End of Faith P57

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@HesDeltanCaptain,

'You're just going to elave him eventually anyway, better now than years hence when it just hurts you both even more than ending things now.'

Interesting that you seem so certain of this.

I would not exactly agree. It appears InMyHead did this just as a final thrill/romance suggests that the relationship with her partner may be sound but because she is young she is at some level struggling/ worried about life long monogamy. She does not seem to have an emotional attachment to the other guy which too is a positive sign. She has a conscience and does not seem to feel comfortable keeping her partner in the dark, which helps

I would suggest that she looks upon this as a learning experience and move on

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@InMyHead,

Quote:

I have cheated on my boyfriend 5 times with the same man. He is also in an long term relationship. The first 3 times we passionately kissed. The last 2 we took it slightly further, however we have never had sex.

Bill Clinton said the same thing. Do your boyfriend and yourself a favor, "screw your new friend's brain out and move on.

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@InMyHead,

Your beliefs, seeing as they hurt no-one, are fine. Always be true to those values that you find worthwhile in yourself.

Breaking those values (that you find worthwhile in yourself) always leads to a devaluing of yourself in your own eyes (ie. loss of self-esteem). This should be obvious logic, but most people never think about it.

Lastly, we're human, with all the human drives that entails, including our sexual drive. That drive is natural, enabling us to find a partner - but it doesn't switch off just because we find a partner. We still find attractive in others all those things that we find attractive in others - this too should be obvious, but a lot of us believe for some reason that it should switch itself off when we find a life partner. It doesn't, because genetics don't work that way. Ie. Don't beat yourself up about it. Accept you are human, move forward, and be true to yourself.

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@InMyHead,

Quote:

I really feel I must have done what I did as a last romance.

There is sex drive and then there is the normal human need to know others intimately/romantically. You may or may not be happy with one partner for sex. I doubt anyone is truly happy being intimate with only one person.

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@Leadfoot,

Quote:

I doubt anyone is truly happy being intimate with only one person.

Is that compared to:
- the lying that most cheating requires
- the loss of respect for the other 1/2 because he/she is forcing you to lie / is believing the lies / can't see what you're doing, etc (and corresponding to the level of loss of respect, a loss in the quality of the marriage)

- the hurt most feel when they are cheated on
- the jealousy / suspicion issues that negatively affect on the quality of relationship (and therefore peoples happiness)
- the trust issues that negatively affect the quality of a relationship (and therefore peoples happiness)
- the self esteem issues that many suffer when they've had their partner cheat (self esteem supports happiness. Lowering it lessens the support base of a persons happiness)
- the public humiliation many feel when their partner has cheated and they're the last to know (or simply everyone knows). This can affect their trust (and happiness) in future relationships (if they leave the current one).

I see the quoted phrase bandied about about, because most of us like variety...but those that throw the phrase around rarely point out the down side, while implying it cheating is one of the secrets to happiness in a relationship.

Personally, I rate 'Who We Are' Vs effort / thoughtfulness / time (put in to the other person) as the most important ingredients affecting our happiness in a relationship. Sex then enhances that.

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@vikorr,

Quote:

- the loss of respect for the other 1/2 because he/she is forcing you to lie / is believing the lies / can't see what you're doing, etc (and corresponding to the level of loss of respect, a loss in the quality of the marriage)

The problem is shown in your term '1/2'. It shows that you have bought into the myth that two people make a whole.

What I'm suggesting is that you not be forced into that first lie of : 'You are all I need'. No one is all you need.

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@Leadfoot,

The other 1/2 is purely a term used in substitute for the various forms of relationship: partner / spouse / boyfriend /girlfriend.

Quote:

What I'm suggesting is that you not be forced into that first lie of : 'You are all I need'. No one is all you need.

Well, we were talking about sex, and your new statement can encompass a great deal more than sex. But presuming you are referencing it to sex...why not be honest with yourself and say 'No one is all I need'?

As we all know, humans run a wide variation in wants and needs. So your blanket assertion won't be right for everyone, but can be right for you. Certainly there are many couples who have never cheated on the other, and remained happy.

And certainly those who have used your excuse to cheat, while in a relationship, have rarely considered the negative consequences.

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I have cheated and need advice

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