Pothos
 
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 01:34 am
Into a five year relationship. First year we had sex. Second year she had health issues. Now no sex at all. Love has become a dependant relationship without intimacy. She treats me well, except for the lack of affection and sex, which is what I want more than gifts and money, which I think she uses to compensate for the lack of sex. I don't blame her, it's not her fault, not completely. Yet how do I cope?

And how do I get this post into the Sex Forum?
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 1,208 • Replies: 14
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FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 02:40 am
@Pothos,
Illnesses can take their toll on a person.

Intimacy can be gentle, it's a bit like riding a bike you don't forget but I gain the opinion that you two need to discuss this together, you need to let her know how you are feeling and make some suggestions, to solve it.

I am sure she is already aware and after such a long time, our bodies "can" forget and just take things for granted. As she is injured or sick you need to take into consideration that what you had sexually really may not be the same way but there are solutions.

Have a talk with her you are both Adults.
Pothos
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 12:38 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
I appreciate your advice, but we are both in our older years and we both understand the sacrifice intimacy takes under the duress of illness. I am not the young man anymore and I have my limitations too, and I have no wish to rush her, pressure her, make her feel guilty or depressed, but it's been years. We've had the talks. I've made the suggestions. I've opened up opportunities for alternative ways to be intimate. She refuses them all, but in every other way she is a loving partner. I have come to accept, as you said, that our sex life has taken a turn. I accept that she has become virtually asexual due to disabilities, which developed quickly after our first year. I still enjoy her companionship. I believe changing things back to what they were is not an option, nor is it likely to become something else, however limited. I don't want to leave her. I just need to find a way, other than masturbation or cheating (the latter of which I have never done), to cope with my needs not being met.

Thank you for your understanding and sensitivity.
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 01:32 pm
@Pothos,
The lack of sex is one thing, the lack of intimacy is entirely different.
If intimacy is gone, she has left you. Realize that and it's easier to see where to go from there.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 01:43 pm
The two of you need to, together, talk to her doctor and figure out what can be done. Sometimes medications kill off sex drive, plus there is the very real possibility that on top of everything else, she's depressed.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 01:50 pm
@Pothos,
If you tag your threads, the tags will either start a new forum if it is an unusual subject, or become part of a forum that already has many threads about that subject, and yours will show up as the most recent.
This time I'll tag them for you; click on the tags to see what forums will show up.

If sometime you are looking for a forum that is not one of yours, just put the word in the search window. For example, dogs, or pizza or computers. Try it and see.

Oops, I see Jespah has already entered some tags. I was typing as she posted. If you want different ones, you can add them. They don't always show up, as only five tags show at a time, but they will still work - you can look them up under My Tags (see the second blue line at the top of the page. Other people can add tags too.


Welcome to a2k, pothos.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 03:47 pm
@Pothos,
Jes has a very good point. In 1999 "so long ago" I had an injury that was quite horrific for me. I then became determined to beat it. But it could have put me in a dark place of no return had I let it. You owe it to her as her husband and to yourself to look at this differently for a bit, to get her mentality back, in a positive form. All the are and love that you have for her is to be admired. But if she went down, after that first year and hasn't come back up and it's been years, nothing is going to happen until she sees life is worth living for, fighting for, any illness, disability can be managed to a degree and still provide happiness.

Find her outside passions in life, bring them back into her life preferably without her knowing, as she starts to see and feel and touch things that she used to love, maybe you can turn this around somewhat and bring some positive force into her life and happiness and in that, intimacy eventually as that is also passion, maybe able to creep back in slowly. You've waited years a bit longer isn't going to hurt.

Everyone wants to "live" and be happy.

Find those passions outside of sex.
0 Replies
 
HesDeltanCaptain
 
  0  
Reply Sat 22 Aug, 2015 07:00 pm
@Pothos,
Am extremely content masturbating to satisfy my needs. Was raised to be so though of course. Try every few years to pair up but always find myself ending things being a lot happier alone and when horny, taking 30 mins or so and handling things myself. Rather have a lifelong friend and no sex than more short-term sex-buddies.
0 Replies
 
Pothos
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2015 02:31 pm
Hi everyone, thanks for all your kind advice. It is all well-considered. Trying to fix my relationship however (for some of you) wasn't my question, although I do appreciate your good intentions. We are both in our fifties, been together for years, all your suggestions have already been proposed and then some. It's now at a stage where we both accept, for now anyway, that this is the way it is. Maybe things will change in the future, I hope they do, but for now I am being selfish and looking for a way to cope with a sexless but loving relationship. (not married by the way, but monogamous).

Found Soul – I wish I could turn her around, but truth is most of the time she doesn't even want to try. I'm not giving up on her, but until I break through someday and get her to want to enjoy intimacy again, I still have to cope with my own loss of physical pleasure, while I am still capable and willing to have it.

Leadfoot – good advice, but not there yet. Thanks anyway.

Jespah – we’ve done the doctor talks, she even goes to therapy, and yes medication and depression is part of it, but so is willingness to try. There's only so much that can be contributed by a partner, eventually she has to meet me part of the way. Maybe she's not there yet and I have to patiently wait, but it's not easy.

Oddobuco – Thanks for the help with the tags. I'm new to this, so much appreciated.

HesDeltanCaptain – wise and true advice, but I am less content with masturbation than you, and I miss sex. While I agree a good friend is better than a bad sex partner, a good friend who was also a good sex partner is a hard thing to lose.

Under the comforting mantle of anonymity I am reaching out for ideas on fulfilling my own desires without being unfaithful, while waiting for the day when she comes back to me fully. If ever.

Thank you all.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2015 02:52 pm
Getting to a touchy subject, you seem adamant about not masturbating.. I can guess various reasons, but don't want to assume I know yours. I'm a woman, an older one, in my early seventies, raised strict religious, and then was not religious, but it didn't occur to me to do since I had plenty of opportunity to have sex with others - boyfriends, later, husband. Sometime later, I became a fan. How didn't I know how much fun it was?

I think, as a generalization, that americans are sort of freaked about it as baaaad, but I've grown to conjecture that a lot of people would have avoided a lot of stupid decision making in singles bars if they masturbated as a practice. Same with today's online dating choices: some could be wiser if not so immediately horny. I've no idea if there are statistics on that.

In a situation like yours, I'll hope you revisit that as a possibility.


Moving along, if you still don't want to do that, what is your own wish, possibly hidden, not faced right now, for yourself?
Pothos
 
  2  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2015 05:35 pm
@ossobuco,
Hi,

"touchy subject"...funny.

Sorry if I gave the wrong impression, I have nothing against masturbation. I believe it is part of a healthy sex life. I do it now all the time, and have so in the past, and I enjoy it very much. I think everyone should do it, without shame or judgment. It's healthy, both physically and emotionally. But it's only part of a healthy sex life. Eventually, one needs sexual companionship.

Many North Americans (especially the religious ones-I am an atheist) judge it as perverted or deviant, along with so many other sexual choices and practices, nudism, and erotica. I am Canadian and raised in Montreal where, for the most part, sexuality is regarded with a little more tolerance and open-mindedness than some other places, such as the Bible Belt for example. I have always been liberal-minded towards sexuality, both in the company I keep and the societal viewpoints to which I subscribe.

I'd be content, somewhat, if my girlfriend would consider mutual masturbation, or mutual manual stimulation. At least that would be something we could share. Maybe it would even eventually lead to further intimate experiences. For now, private masturbation remains my only option.

I guess what I am seeking is not so much a solution to my asexual relationship (though one would be welcome, for certain) as I am a way to emotionally cope with the fact that my once active sex life has been reduced to nothing but solitary satisfaction with no end in sight.

My own wish? I would wish she would find it within herself to become open once again to a healthy, affectionate sex life. Failing that, I fear my wish might turn in the future to a more selfish one. I don't want to give up love, which is hard enough to find, but I ask myself, if she isn't considering my needs as important, does she still love me? Or is it that her disability makes her so dependent on me now that she's afraid of being alone? I couldn't do that to her, therefore, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, if you'll forgive the bad pun.

Perhaps there is no solution and no way to cope, other than what I've been doing all along. Self-satisfaction and patience. Hopefully time will sort things out, one way or another.

I believe this thread may have run its course.

Thanks for all your kindness.



0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2015 06:16 pm
@ossobuco,
Hi, back to you. Now I understand. I'm also an atheist, there are a bunch of us here, not important except that I get your take on things. But now that is a side issue, not meaning side issue as funny.

At this point I'm sans advice.
My instinct is for you to move on, but that isn't easy either, and I'm not sure I'm right. All the usual advice, counselling, therapy, you've been there.
The question about her or your love, at the heart of this, is hard to parse from here.



0 Replies
 
Daskovali
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Sep, 2015 12:58 pm
@Pothos,
I have been in a similar situation.
Pothos
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 Dec, 2015 02:07 pm
@Daskovali,
Sorry to hear that Daskovali.

I discontinued this thread because I did not see anything positive coming from it that would help me resolve my situation. Shared pain and experience notwithstanding, it doesn't help.

Now a new factor has complicated my dilemma. Another woman finds me interesting. I like her but I don't want to cheat. I've been cheated on and I know how it feels. But years without physical intimacy is a strain on any relationship, no matter the emotional bond. At least it is to me.

What are the ethics to infidelity? No subject is absolute so there must be some degree of consideration in regard to the needs of both parties. Is it moral for one to suffer in silent devotion to another's needs, ignoring one's own needs?

Honesty and communication is the typical advice proffered in cases like this, but they often lead to broken hearts and long term depression, both of which must be considered before making any decision. Love is also a factor, and caring, and in some ways, guilt and pity. All very strong influences on the lonely heart and the irresolute mind.

Cheat and feel guilty, don't cheat and feel lonely, confess and hurt someone I love. Not the easiest of choices.

Any well-considered advice would be welcome. Thank you.
0 Replies
 
JayR
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 May, 2020 12:00 pm
@Pothos,
there are so many helpful advice here, hope u two find an ecological way of sorting this out Wink
0 Replies
 
 

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