Ateam64
 
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 07:08 am
My fiancé of 2 years, been together 4.5 years, is very strict with money. I've always contributed, but I got really sick 10 months ago, In and out of hospital and waiting on social security. Unfortunately was denied and awaiting hearing. So financially I'm broke. He makes amazing money, but I'm on food stamps and Medicaid. We live together and I am broke. He has a great nest egg, but he sees me struggle financially, no gas money, no money for toiletries.......and I finally asked him to help me and I would repay him. He states that it was my choice to quit work and he knows I'm struggling, but he would have to think about helping me.. We do live together and I feel like if anyone should be ther for me, it should be him.what do I do?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 1,472 • Replies: 14
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 07:12 am
@Ateam64,
He sounds like a tool.

Seriously, he would watch you go on food stamps and not help you? Even when you said you would pay him back.

Maybe think about what it means to be with someone who is this ungenerous. Maybe think about what your children's lives will be like if he denies them new clothes, saying they'll squeeze another season out of stuff they've grown out of. Maybe think about what your parents' lives will be like if his parsimony throws them prematurely into a state-run nursing home because he won't cough up the bucks to help you out.
Ateam64
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 07:23 am
@jespah,
I feel so vulnerable because I'm in a situation where being ill makes me feel like a burden. I know that people may say, these are signs, but there is a lot if good in him too. It seems though as I write this, I sound ridiculous. The answer should be clear. He is just very tight with money. There are times I just want to run away. I just do not know how to talk to him about this.
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engineer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 07:23 am
@Ateam64,
Just to echo that sentiment, it is one thing to be frugal, it is another to turn down family in need, especially when you are living together. So let's see what happens when he "thinks about" it. If he thinks about it and decides that you are a family and are in this together then great, it is probably good for you two to have moved through this milestone. If he thinks about it and decides that he can't help you, it is probably not going to work.

Different question. Why did you quit work and go on Medicaid and food stamps? Could some of this be resentment on his part that he's working hard and you decided not to? If he feels that you are sponging off of him, he might not hold you in the same respect he did when you were dating.
Ateam64
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 07:32 am
@engineer,
I need brain surgery. I have had surgery on my back and been hospitalized 30 days out of the last 7 months. I took a leave, but it expired, so technically I didn't quit. I've never expected him to take care of my medical bills and have been deemed disabled by the state, not federal level yet. I applied for food stamps to try and help in anyway possible. Sponging is a hard word to swallow.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 08:24 am
@Ateam64,
So when he "states that it was your choice to quit work", he's ignoring all of that? Wow. Not saying you are sponging, but maybe he thinks you are. Maybe your medical situation is putting him off the marriage. If you were married, would you have access to his medical insurance? I think you two need to have a heart to heart because he might not be as committed to this relationship as he was a couple of years ago when you got engaged. The money is just forcing the issue to a head.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 08:59 am
@Ateam64,
You are ill to the point you cannot work and you are struggling financially. You are engaged to him so I am assuming he loves you.

I just have one question - how could someone that loves you, not want to help you when you are suffering?

I don't care how good his other points are - that is showing he is selfish. I would think if he loved you he would be offering to pay for most of your bills so you have one less thing to not be stressed about and can focus on getting healthy.
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Ateam64
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 11:55 am
@engineer,
Putting it that way, yes he is ignoring it. I do believe you hit everything on the head. He hasn't brought marriage up in a long time. If we were married it wouldn't have cost him anything to put me on his insurance.

I'm assuming you are male. No disrespect meant. How do I approach this from your view without making him feel pushed in a corner. Here's the thing, when we first moved in together, he got sick and I helped him out mentally and until this happened, financially. I am a strong woman, nut clearly he does not feel as committed as I do. He lost his mom and sibling 2 years ago, 7 months apart and I wonder if this has any impact as well.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 01:43 pm
@Ateam64,
Are you prepared for him to leave? That might be the end result of the conversation, just so you're prepared. I'm not going say my approach is optimum. There are some great advisors on this board and I'm sure they are following along. Just to put a proposal out there, find a quiet moment when there is no tension and tell him he's seemed a little distant lately and ask him if he still feels the same way about you and getting married. If he asks why you are asking, don't make it about the money. It is more the lack of support and understanding. "I've been going through a lot. I'm scared and worried and you seem to be moving away instead of supporting me. Are you here for me even though I'm sick?" That is putting him into a corner but you need to know that answer. (Maybe you already know that answer.) If it goes south, do you have a place to go?
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FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 03:45 pm
@Ateam64,
You are not going to be able to change his mentality financially. He is set in his ways over this to the point that his money is "his". It will never be yours together.

I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through illness wise, surgery and future surgery and yet, you didn't quit your job it's there sort of on hold, yet he claims that it's your fault that you aren't working? And, you have had surgery and need more....That's caring?

Yes, you live together you are engaged you had an accident I assume that has left you in severe pain and problems financially with further surgery to come, you are living off food stamps and nil income and he is not there for you emotionally or financially.

I am really glad that you are a strong person but I think that you have to re-think who you are engaged to.

No one lets the other person suffer even more than they are suffering in love.
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mahendar
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 01:27 am
@Ateam64,
he was looking like a person who doesn't care about the persons depend upon him.when you are struggling financially also he wasn't offering you anything if it happen now.you can assume your future with him.then you can find the exact solution that you have to do.
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Ateam64
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 01:12 pm
You all have made great points. I sit here today without any way to get food cause my truck has no gas. My food stamps came in today and I'm supposed to take my son to college on Monday which is 4 hours away. It will be the first time I've traveled since my surgery and I'm sick to my stomach cause I don't know if he is going to help me out financially yet cause he has not given me an answer. My son doesn't live with me cause he could not afford to pay my fiancé money each week, so my sister took him in. My son wants me to be there for him on his first day of college, which somehow, someway I will. It's hard to ask others for financial help, but Ican't wait any longer for him to decide.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 02:12 pm
@Ateam64,
I hate to say it, cause obviously you care for him, but he is damn selfish. Your son is in college and in my personal opinion, should not have to pay to stay at your home. It would be different if he were not going to school. College is hard enough and expensive enough - that tight wad is too cheap to just allow your son to stay with you --- I'm sorry he is an selfish idiot.

I am pissed for you. I am very glad your sister is caring and loving enough to allow him to stary with her. She seems sweet - why don't you ask her if you both want to travel together to see him off? If she is that close with him to allow him stay with her, she might enjoy it.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 03:27 pm
@Ateam64,
How would the responses to this post change if the genders were reversed? If this was a man asking for his girlfriend to support him financially through an illness while he wasn't working, would people feel the same?
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 03:32 pm
@Ateam64,
I'm really sorry.

It sounds as if your fiancé was taken by the cleaners before you or his mates were. Consequently, he holds his finances to himself, selfishly but there is a fine line there in my opinion. To not answer or more so, to not "offer" to pay for petrol so you can see your Son. To not help with food. To not take in your son as part of the family and have him do odd jobs around the house until he obtained a job.. It's all very selfish.

I'm probably the same age as you if we are going to go off of "64".

My ex husband was simular. He held all his money to himself even when we travelled, he would take out 1/3rd of the expenses of dinners and sight seeing only and didn't even pay for any of the trips. He had been married before and lost out in Divorce, mind you, his ex wife went from size 8 - 14 within 1 year, I often wonder if that was comfort having lived with him for 7 Smile He told me he demanded that she go to the gym or he'd Divorce her, well she up and left and Divorced him Smile He paid the Mortgage, I assume your fiancé is paying the rent/mortgage and that's it (so that he would have it on paper that he was paying for "his" house, the amount per week I paid for everything else was higher . I ended up realising that no matter what I said, what I did, even bought him a motor-bike, nothing could change his mind that I had no intention of taking his money.

This man wants someone in his life. He wants love probably doesn't show much does he, doesn't know how to, may even secretly dislike women, they are only there for a few things. Damned if he is going to pay your way or your sons, it's his money.

I'd like you to consider who you are engaged to truly consider the love shown to you, the togetherness. Your son I'm sorry is blood, he's worth more, he will stay with you for life.

Wishing you the best for Monday and hoping you will have a reality check. He is your fiancé, a bit of gas isn't going to kill anyone, he must know that your son is important to you. If he doesn't offer, is this really the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? No unity, togetherness, equality.
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