Should I stay or should I go?

Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 09:00 pm
Here is my dilemma. I met him while we both were married. My marriage died years ago and I was just sticking it out for the sake of a daughter- to let her finish high school and leave for college. His- he was unhappy, unloved, sexually frustrated for years as well. We both were looking for mostly sex, not the relationship (or so we thought). We met and we went up in flames..It became magical, romantic, carrying and loving relationship within couple months. We could talk for hours, we were interested in the same things, finished each other sentences, could not keep our hands of each other even in public. He became careless and his wife found out – literally everything via digging through his computer/phone etc. It blew up of course and he asked for divorce. She was trying to save the marriage and asked him to go through therapy, demanding that he would stop seeing me during this time. I told him, it’s ok, I’ll wait and if he has a chance to salvage his marriage (he has 2 teenagers) so be it. He could not handle the thought of loosing me and stopped therapy/filed for divorce/moved out of the house. His divorce was final in less than 6 months. All this time I was right by his side, supporting emotional struggles, helping and loving and caring. My divorce was on the way as well and we started talking about future..
And then his guilt kicked in. Suddenly in the eyes of all others – his catholic family & ex-wife I became the other woman. Family started putting pressure on him threatening to never accept me. Ex started threatening with spilling the whole truth to kids if he goes as far as introduction to them. No one accepted his explanation that he would be divorced sooner or later even if I didn’t come along.. Friends (I am guessing) started throwing “are you nuts, you’re single, go screw as many women as you want, why are you settling with first that came around”. So after a year and a half of our romance throughout which, despite of all the sorrows of divorces and re-settling into new lives we were unbelievable happy together, he asked for a break to think through things and try to make a peace with family. Break lasted 2 months, we still talked, not about relationship and maybe not as often as we used too but I was on holding pattern. Finally he asked if we could see each other and we did and spent wonderful week together then he left only to call me 2 days later to tell me that it’s over. That he still needs to repair the damage in his life, take care of the kids, but he still loves me and it’s just bad timing and he does not want to keep me on holding pattern. He also said that he could not let the relationship progress without commitment and he is not ready for commitment and does want to date other women before settling into long term relationship. He said he may or may not come back but when he does, he’ll be fully committed but he does not know when it might happen. That had happened 2 months ago. I was devastated, implemented NC rule and broke it myself. All mistakes that women do – I did. Begged and pleaded and bargained. All to no avail. I stopped finally couple weeks ago as I guess I accepted the reality and started taking care of myself, even went on a few dates. I am doing better but I still think about him all the time and keep wondering when do I give up… I won’t be able to move on and have another relationship while I’m still hoping there is a chance for him to come back. I love him as I never loved anyone else. I’m almost 50, so there were a few men in my life I could compare the feeling with. He is definitely my soul mate.. Any thoughts?
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Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 06:43 am
lightmyfire wrote:

.... Suddenly in the eyes of all others – his catholic family & ex-wife I became the other woman. ...

It wasn't sudden, and it wasn't something you just became. You already were. Please own up to that.

Be that as it may, what I want to know is why you've hung around this long.

This is a trainwreck. If it goes down the road you want it to, with a marriage, etc., you are going to have problems with his family and in particular his children. They have practically driven a stake into your front lawn and put up a big, flashing sign saying, "WE'RE GOING TO HATE YOU".

This guy dithers around and seems to be letting others dictate his life for him. And, sorry, but he's cheated already (as have you). What makes you think that, if the going gets rough, he won't potentially turn around and do the same?

Don't live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't waste your time waiting for this damaged prize.

Go date some more. And get some therapy. Find out why you settled for not even half a loaf, maybe 1/1000th of one. Why you felt your happiness wasn't worth it and why everyone else had to come first, not only in the affair but also in your marriage (your daughter would have been fine; kids know a lot more about what goes on in a marriage than the parents ever want to believe).

Find out why you have and had thought it was a hot idea to live like this and hitch your wagon to this unreliable star.
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Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 08:47 am
I hear you, I thought through all this, however you can’t choose who you fall in love with. I am willing to fight and win the acceptance of all important people in his life, nothing is impossible. As far as cheating.. I tell you every situation is different and you really can’t judge without knowing all circumstances. My marriage was just on paper for last 8 years before divorce, it was mutual agreement and financial partnership. There were no fights, my daughter actually was shocked when she became of age and we told her.
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Reply Thu 27 Aug, 2015 01:29 am
so sorry to hear from you that your are still loving him.that are you are not forgetting the days which you spend time with him.give him some more time to realize his mistakes and what the wrong things he did in his past.
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