Wed 19 Aug, 2015 01:48 am
Thank you for reading my troubles. I am searching for answers, a solution or I suppose a way out. I will try to keep this short and try not to bore anyone! Like so many others that I have read about on this great site, I married young, had a son (he has my name), things were fantastic for the first six years until the day came my world ended. My wife had been going out with a family friend (male) because she told me that she needed to talk to someone other than family or me about some issues she was having (this was my mistake for not asking why she couldn't talk to me, her husband?) At the time this friend of the family was a guy that my wife and I both had known for years. Many times she would comment on what a pig he was and just plain gross (which I have to agree with her) but, he was worth a lot of money back then. Her nights out with him as I stayed home with my son began to last longer, getting home at midnight, sometimes later. To make a long story short my brother in law stopped by one day and gave me the news.. My wife was sleeping with this guy and her plan was to divorce me. That is exactly what happened. I not only lost a wife but she got custody of our son. By the way I am sixty four but only feel sixty three! As a lot of others I was completely crushed. I thought marriage was suppose to last a life time but it was not to be. As I've read in a few other posts, for a man / well me anyway, it takes your manhood away thinking your not good enough. I treated her like a queen and perhaps that is where I went wrong.
Fast forward::: Two years later I met a gal through a mutual friend. We sat up a group date with a few friends and it was very different having to be in the dating scene again. Also I had vowed to myself that never again would I get married and go through the pain I did with my first wife. I dated this gal for about a year then moved in with her. I had told her everything about my first wife, the pain it caused me, losing my son etc. etc. So she was well aware of that kind of pain I had gone through. To this day I have no idea how I ended up at the altar vowing my life to my current wife. I just felt that she wasn't the type to cheat because of the relationships she had been in were nothing but pain for her too. Fast forward:: I swear to you, in this marriage I thought I had died and went to heaven.. I didn't know what true love was until I married my current wife! We had this kind of marriage for twenty years. We would lay in bed and talk about how many of our friends and family were having affairs and she would tell me, how can people do that and come home to face their spouse? Fast forward: Not to brag but my Dad taught me to always treat a woman like she was a queen and I will say, I treated my current wife ten times over compared to my first wife. We had three children, my wife was able to stay at home (even though at times I gave her the option to go to work and we would figure out something for our children) but she was never interested in being outside of the home. I owned a construction business and one evening I came home and noticed the kids were gone. My wife walked up to me, looked me right in the eye and with no emotion at all said, I've been having an affair for the past five months! I think my heart stopped beating for a few minutes but finally I asked her, you mean sex and everything, unprotected sex? She said yes! I asked her who the guy was and again, a close friend of the family, her girlfriend of 25 years husband. He was very over weight, bald and jobless and again I had to ask myself, what is it these guys have that can walk in and sweep the two wives I had off their feet? I don't really want to go into details because even though it's been 14 years the pain is still tough. Like a fool, instead of throwing her through our front window, I walked up to her, put my arms around her and just said, we will get through this somehow. Fast forward: Since this affair to me she is not the same person. I am the kind of man that feels it is a must that you show your wife that you love her in everyway possible. We have a disabled (special needs son) that I have cared for since right after the affair. He became to big for her to handle so she want to work and I became Mr. Mom. She did seem to try to work together to fix our broken marriage for about a year and a half. After that it was like nothing ever happened and that I just forgot about it and loved her like I always had. She quit her job about a year ago and we both (well mostly me) care for our son. For the past five years things have really gone down hill. I have always been one that I don't believe in just sex, it's making love !! We have things that go bad and when they do, making love is like stepping away from your troubles and feeling like at least you still have this. Well all of that has stopped. She says, don't you think I want to as much as you do? She sits and watches TV all day or is on her mobile phone and it's like I'm not even here. I have talked to her, written letters, last Christmas I believe I gave her 26 gifts, I give her full body massages and don't ask for any kind of sex. Also it's that thing like a lot of others, when you do make love, I don't hear a peep out of her and several times right in the middle she has fallen asleep (mind you, she doesn't work, has no real physical problems and I do the most on caring for my son. I asked her about two weeks ago if it was possible that we make love at least once a week? She blew up at me and just said NO, I can't promise that. If she goes to the store to get maybe four items, she is gone usually for three to four hours... she says she was just browsing (that's what she would say during her affair). She is 60 but we both always say we don't feel a day over 40. We are both very healthy, she can do a lot outside in her garden or flowers, jump on shovels to dig a hole, but then I get excuses as to why she can't make love. I don't know ... I guess my question would be, having that affair, could that cause her to have like flashbacks so when I try to touch her or be romantic (and I'm damn good at that) could she be thinking about HIM? The affair ended ugly because she realized that he just used her for sex and I will say that I am sure they would have ended up married IF he would have had a job and the kind of money he said he did.. I feel more crushed now than I did going through both affairs... being rejected is a heart crusher.
I skimmed your post, sorry.
But the bottom line is, you need counseling, and you've probably needed it for a few years. Talk to a professional about why this is happening. Have your wife come with you if she is willing. If not, then go alone. Get some coping tools and maybe also figure out why this stuff keeps happening.
There's his side, her side and then there's the truth.
I always get suspicious when one spouse says that "out of the blue" comes the announcement that it's over, or there's been an affair. Or that the sex life is absolutely non-existent.
I'm sure she has a different view of this entire marriage.
You need a professional counselor to sort out it all out. Go by yourself, if needed.