Things never to do or say on a job interview

Do - wear clothes
Do - shower within 3 days (or less) of the interview
Do - keep your false teeth in throughout the interview (only applies to some)

Don't - call the interviewer your bitch unless you are auditioning for a scene in which that exact phrase is used
Don't - bring your seeing-eye hamster
Don't - peel your sunburn during the interview

Do NOT, under any circumstances, walk in to the interview, take a **** on the interviewer's desk, and say, "oops, is there a company policy against that type of thing?"

I can't tell you how many jobs I lost before I figured out that that sort of behavior was frowned upon.

Unique job interviews
Job Interview Quotations

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

I think I'm going to throw-up.

Attempt to refrain from speaking to your imaginary friends until the interview has concluded.

When the interviewer is looking at your resume,remember to have a copy you can refer to.
I lost a job because I had forgotten that I wrote "astronaut" as a past job.

Never say "punctuallity" when asked what your biggest weakness is.

When asked "where do you see yourself in 5 years" never say..."living on a huge workers comp settlement"

Actual quote:

I didn't much like the looks of the kid, but I explained the job. He said "I'm not interested. Can you tell me anyone who's going to pay real money?"

Don't:
Wear clothing that highlights the many tattoos on your anatomy.

Tell the interviewer, "I'm so good; I could even do your job."

Say: "Do you have a wet bar, I sure could use a drink."

Tell dirty jokes

Belch or pass gas

Say: "Do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?"

I once had a (short) interview with an applicant. She said that she couldn't stay too long, because she had left her mother outside in her car!

These are hilarious. I'm bookmarking this one for a blue day.

"What's your company policy on internet porn?"

"Do you do background criminal checks?"

"Do you drug test?"

Tell him a story about how you banged your previous bosses' daughter at your last company's Xmas party.

"My biggest strength? I can eat a banana in one bite."

Looking at picture on interviewer's desk: "Dude, is that your wife? She's a MILF!!!" then go and try to high five him.

For sales job, interviewer asks you if you have any sales experience..."I've watched Glengary Glenross at least 4 times. (stand up, walk over to him) You drove here today in a Hyundai. I drove here in an $80K BMW! You see this watch? (take off your watch and dangle it in his face) This watch costs more than your f'n car. So you're a good father. F YOU! Go home and take care of your kids!"

I'm lazy, so I only do the work I'm asked to do, and I disguised that once on a resume as "responds well to leadership."

It was a fake resume though, for an english class... and it brought my grade down.

When asked to describe your greatest weakness - "I can't help lying on job interviews."

Your strong point? "I do it very well."

I love this place. You guys have computers and I can surf the net all day now. My kids are always hogging my computer at home.

Remember to take off your cross-country skis before starting the interview. This is especially key if there is no actual snow on the ground.

Try to avoid running in place during the interview, flapping your arms and telling the interviewer that you are attempting unassisted flight. Be particularly cautious if near an open window.

It's a good idea not to remove your bra from under your blouse unless you are applying for a job as a stripper. This goes double for men.

Once, when I was conducting a group job interview, a guy stood up and shouted, "JOB! I DON'T NEED A JOB! JOB IS A CHAPTER IN THE BIBLE. I NEED EMPLOYMENT!" Surprisingly, I didn't hire him.

"I need employment!" was a running joke in my office for at least the next six months, though...

Oh man that's bizarre.

Hmm, one at a job interview should probably refrain from bringing in a hot plate and omelet pans and asking the interviewer to cook breakfast.

Applying for a job driving a tow truck:

Applicant: "I drove for AAA for about 3 years." (instant red flag, since plenty of their drivers shouldn't be operating anything larger than a go-kart)

Chuck (my boss): "So, then, did you drive hoists or ramp trucks?"

A: Both.

C: Then you can run a rollback and a wheel-lift?

A: What the hell is a wheel lift?

We didn't hire this clown.

Turns out he worked for AAA for three WEEKS, & was canned for filling the (diesel) ramp truck with gasoline.

Weeks, years, is there a difference?

There's only a difference between a week and a year if they check references. We check records for CDL drivers. An honest, written answer is required. All other former employers decline to answer.