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I realize i was wrong

 
 
mchalel
 
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 12:30 pm
In judging him for his past...it shouldnt have mattered. But what can i do? It really did kind of make me angry. I just didnt want to hear it, but once i heard it, there was nothing i could do about it. He had been intimate and done things that i had never done with him, things i didnt want to do. We only got to see each other once a month, it hurt to hear he had sex with someone everyday, i felt...like crap. Obviously if his past was making me feel so bad maybe there was an issue? Now i am just left feeling very guilty about getting angry and judging him for his past. But you know what? Men do this to women ALL the time. I have heard LOTS of guys say things like, oh i would never date a chick who had been with this amount of guys or had been engaged or had kids. I do feel bad that i chose to do this to this man. Had he been just a guy friend of mine i wouldnt have cared. Perhaps maybe we should have been more friends first, but we dove right into a relationship. He told me he loved me very quickly. I jsut felt he was one of those guys who could not be alone. I know he liked me for years, but he'd dated plenty of other people. I just dont like guys that always have to be dating someone! I hate that!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,106 • Replies: 19
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 12:43 pm
This is the first time I've piped in, I think, but I've been following the saga. I'm glad you realized you were wrong. I also hope you realize that the number of threads devoted to this topic by you are indicative of a much deeper problem, namely obsessive-compulsive disorder. Even in this brand new thread, where you claim to realize that you were wrong, you deflect and ultimately blame him on some level, indicating that you really don't realize anything at all. All of this has been stated by others, so my input really isn't anything new. I've put in my two cents, and that's it for me. Good luck.
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onyxelle
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 12:54 pm
my 2 cents: stop starting new threads on the same topic.

get your mind off him by visiting other pleasant threads around. seriously.

but really....if you just make new posts w/ your new feelings on the same thread you've got, we'll still all see it....the ones that care to follow any more that is.
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Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 12:55 pm
Funny you say that about men mchalel. A girlfriend of mine had her first sexual experience with the man she ultimately married. When this was talked about with a mutual male friend, he stated that he would want his future wife never to have had sex with anyone else, but him (including of course her past). We mentioned (including the other men) that it was unfair to think such a way seeing his past experiences.

I think in any relationship it is best to keep intimate details about past relationships to yourself. I can understand the importance of discussing the past sexual relationships in the general sense. You need to know in this day and age for health reasons, but not intimate details that I did this or that, just perhaps that you had many partners, but have been tested since and are clean that sort of thing.
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mchalel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 12:58 pm
re
SO i have OCD because i have problem with his past? Well i dont know if that is the case, maybe when i get therapy they'll let me know. I know i'm not the first to have a problem with someone's past...
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mchalel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 01:00 pm
.
onyxelle, dont read my posts then...are you the board police?
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onyxelle
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 01:02 pm
no, i'm not the 'board police' but you've got 10 DIFFERENT THREADS on the same topic.
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 01:11 pm
Re: re
mchalel wrote:
SO i have OCD because i have problem with his past? Well i dont know if that is the case, maybe when i get therapy they'll let me know. I know i'm not the first to have a problem with someone's past...


Sheesh...it's not that you have a problem with his past, it's the fact that you can't get over it, or him, that could possibly make you OCD. Rolling Eyes
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briarwizard
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 01:51 pm
Re: re
mchalel wrote:
SO i have OCD because i have problem with his past? Well i dont know if that is the case, maybe when i get therapy they'll let me know. I know i'm not the first to have a problem with someone's past...

No you're not the first. I went through a similar time with my wife.

She almost was EAGER to tell me all the intimate details. When I asked her to stop talking about it she got upset with me.

I think I asked you this before, but I don't remember you answering. Did he stop talking about his past after you asked him not to, or did he persist in describing his sexual encounters?

To me that's the key. If he DID stop after you asked him to, then you can chalk it up to bad judgement on his part and you should have tried to let it go. If however he kept telling you about his past after you asked him not to, then he's got some real issues and you're probably better off in the long run without him.
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mchalel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 02:05 pm
re
She almost was EAGER to tell me all the intimate details. When I asked her to stop talking about it she got upset with me.

Sounds like she had some insecurity issues with her past too or something.

It's not like he constantly talked about it..in many cases he told me things, i jsut never forgot abuot them and obsessed over them...a few things i even asked and then was dismayed by his answers...
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Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 02:40 pm
We realize she doesn't realize what she says she realizes
cavfancier wrote:
Even in this brand new thread, where you claim to realize that you were wrong, you deflect and ultimately blame him on some level, indicating that you really don't realize anything at all.


Exactly!
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 02:53 pm
Re: We realize she doesn't realize what she says she realize
Debra_Law wrote:
cavfancier wrote:
Even in this brand new thread, where you claim to realize that you were wrong, you deflect and ultimately blame him on some level, indicating that you really don't realize anything at all.


Exactly!


Very Happy I suppose that's what I get for being raised by a professor of social work, and going through therapy myself. I just call 'em as I see 'em.
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Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 03:06 pm
We realize she doesn't realize what she says she realizes
cavfancier wrote:
I suppose that's what I get for being raised by a professor of social work, and going through therapy myself. I just call 'em as I see 'em.


Great perceptions, cavfancier.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 03:31 pm
Cav is right.
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Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 04:30 pm
Personality Disorders
Personality Disorders

A personality disorder is identified by a pervasive pattern of experience and behavior that is abnormal with respect to any two of the following: thinking, mood, personal relations, and the control of impulses.

Personality disorders have many things in common:

Self-centeredness that manifests itself through a me-first, self-preoccupied attitude;

Lack of individual accountability that results in a victim mentality and blaming others, society and the universe for their problems;

Lack of perspective-taking and empathy;

Manipulative and exploitative behavior;

Unhappiness, suffering from depression and other mood and anxiety disorders;

Vulnerability to other mental disorders, such as obsessive-compulsive tendencies and panic attacks;

Distorted or superficial understanding of self and others' perceptions, being unable to see his or her objectionable, unacceptable, disagreeable, or self-destructive behaviors or the issues that may have contributed to the personality disorder;

Socially maladaptive, changing the rules of the game, introducing new variables, or otherwise influencing the external world to conform to their own needs . . . .
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IAN442
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 04:39 pm
Okay...i see what you all are getting at.

how about i hand you all a hammer and see if you chip down the brick wall that person has around their thought processes....

Very Happy

Debra i must saw your writing is very insightful factual and entertaining. Thank you for your contributions.

You too Cav,,,you rock man !!!
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 04:43 pm
Thanks Ian. I'll borrow a phrase courtesy of your avatar. Hulk smash!
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Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 04:57 pm
Not possible
IAN442 wrote:
how about i hand you all a hammer and see if you chip down the brick wall that person has around their thought processes....


IAN:

I haven't made one single dent in her armor; I don't think it's possible for anyone to help her except a mental health professional with considerable experience in personality disorders. Her boyfriend was loving and patient with her for months. He could never get through to her.

She needs counseling. Even more than that, she needs to want to want counseling before it will be beneficial. Under the circumstances, her boyfriend made the only choice he could make.

I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY!

Debra
0 Replies
 
MyOwnUsername
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 05:06 pm
Hey Debra, don't yell, it's rude Wink (sorry, it's refering to another "fresh" thread, just kidding Smile )

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=28872&highlight=

You are right, but I doubt that even trained professional can help her before she admits that she has problems.
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IAN442
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2004 05:15 pm
Debra...im all too familiar with what you are saying.

Go read my family history farther down,,,what you are sayin is nothin new to me. Very Happy

i admire you for trying.
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