feeling better today

Myself and others were harsh because you weren't hearing anything we were telling you and it became very frustrating for us trying to help you. In time, as you get older, you'll understand everything.

In the mean time, good luck to you and try to take this as one of life's big lessons.

Re: feeling better today
Hi mchalel:

I'm sorry that I was harsh with you yesterday. I will attempt to communicate with you one more time.



I don't think anyone here called you a "psycho." I think if you reread your own posts, this is how you referred to you own recent behavior--and even though you recognize that you engage in irrational behavior, you make excuses for yourself and do nothing to stop yourself.

You have not come to terms with the end of your relationship. You still do not understand why he chose to break up with you.

Most of us tried to explain to you that this break-up was the result of your obsessive, compulsive, self-destructive behavior. Even though you knew you were hurting your man, you couldn't stop yourself from doing it.



This break-up was not sudden. This was a long time in the making. Unfortunately, you're the only one who didn't see it coming--although you should have. You thought you had the upper hand in the relationship (because he loved you so much), you thought you could emotionally batter your man with your fears and insecurities, and you didn't think there would be any consequences.

This break-up was NOT SUDDEN. He constantly reassured you that he loved you, wanted you, wanted to build a life with you--but this was not enough for you.

You obsessed over his "disgusting past" and made him miserable. After experiencing the miserable brunt of your obsessive emotional outbursts, your boyfriend warned you that he could not continue to take your emotional torture over his past. You promised not to do it anymore, but you repeatedly broke your promises without considering the consequences. He was miserable for months. This was not sudden.



I agree that you engage in obsessive, compulsive, self-destructive behavior fueled by your insecurities and you don't know how to stop yourself from destroying rather than building. You don't understand that you are destroying.

YOU get a euphoric ego-boost by ripping your man into emotional shreds. This makes him cater to your whims, your feelings, your needs--everything is about YOU. YOU are the best. YOU are the prettiest. YOU are the best in bed. YOU are the one he loves the most. When he's kissing your feminine butt day in and day out, YOU feel in control. YOU feel that YOU have the upper hand. YOU feel great.

BUT, to make YOURSELF feel great, you have to make him feel like crap first. Have you not learned that yet? How sad is that?



YOU just want unlimited opportunities to make him feel like crap in order to make yourself feel great. That's not closure. That's an obsessive need for self-validation.



YOU enjoy attention. YOU enjoy everything being about YOU.



He told you all these things because YOU demanded that he tell you these things in order for YOU to feel good about YOU.



Oh Mchalel--he LOVED YOU. He loved you, he loved you, he loved you. Because he loved you so much, he DID deal with your feelings about his past. He did it for months. YOU caused him so much misery about it, and he still loved you.

Your boyfriend wanted what ALL of us want in our relationships. He wanted to be happy with you and to build a life with you. You destroyed that possibility by making him so miserable that he didn't have any other choice but to break up with you. He warned you that he couldn't take much more, you did not listen.

You promised not to do it anymore--but he heard your empty promises too many times to believe in you or to trust you. He told you, "You're just saying that because you don't want me to break up with you." He knows you far better than you know yourself.



YES. It hurts. But this is the ONLY WAY for him to cut ties with you and to reinforce his decision to break up with you. For his own sanity and well-being, he can't let you get even one foot back into the door. He's vulnerable. He's afraid if he talks to you, that you may be able to manipulate him with your tears to give the relationship another try. He does not want that.



He did not change his mind quickly. Again, this was NOT SUDDEN. He knows he can't change you. He knows he can't fix you. He knows you don't keep your promises. He knows the relationship is unhealthy and makes him miserable. He has to do what he needs to do to heal from an extremely unhealthy relationship. That means he cannot talk to you--he made the only decision (choice) that he could make for his own sanity.



He did explain. He explained over and over again. Unfortunately, you don't listen. You don't hear. You don't learn from your unhealthy choices. You don't learn from your mistakes.

You need to start listening. You need to start caring about people other than yourself. You need counseling. You need more help than what you can get at a discussion board....

Wishing you the best on your journey to health and happiness.

Debra

I'm not sure you read the other thread. The response I posted there, might fit here as well:

I think some people are being too hard on mchalel.

I'm sure she's probably given herself some of the same advice she's received on this forum, yet has been unable to follow it. I know I gave myself some excellent advice early on in my relationship, yet because I was young, inexperienced, and suffering from low-self esteem I couldn't follow it.

I keep thinking of that line from Disney's "Alice in Wonderland".

"I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

mchalel, you're still young. Use the emotional pain you're feeling now as a tool for gaining very valuable experience. What I'd suggest, (you're probably thinking right now, "Great MORE advice" Very Happy), is to first stop beating yourself up for what's happened. Time only flows in ONE DIRECTION, you cannot change the past, just as your boyfriend couldn't change his. Instead of looking at what's happened as a tragedy, try, (and this will be difficult), to view it as something you can turn to your advantage, put the knowledge you've gained to the best use you can.

Then step back and take a BREAK from dating, all dating. Go out with friends, maybe even find a female friend you can take a short trip with, (not to scout out guys, but to relax). Try to think about what's happened and see if what you can learn from it.

And also go to therapy. Many people view therapy as something only "crazy people" need, but I feel nearly EVERYONE can benefit from an 'emotional tune up'. Just as people go for yearly medical checkups to ensure good physical health, they can go to therapy to help promote good mental health.

As always, I wish you the best.

Mchalel, you should try to listen to Montana and especially Debra Law (whose style of typing detailed arguments I quite admire). Even if you do not agree with what everyone on the forums is saying, you should wonder why most people seem to have similar views on your situation.
The ending of such a long relationship can be crushing. It can hurt alot even if you are the one doing the breaking up. Take your time to grieve. It is going to hurt for awhile no matter what you do. When you can start thinking clearly again, try to figure out whether you were right or wrong, and work from there. If you were completely right then he just was not the one for you and you have to pick better next time. If you were completely wrong then you have to work on fixing the things that need improving. You should end up with something in the middle, where you find it was not completely your fault but you do have some culpability. Work from there. Ultimately, if you choose not to learn and improve form this experience then whatever happens next is on you.



One reason some men change their mind quickly and will not back down on a decision is pride. They do not want to appear foolish, or weak. They especially do not want to appear indecisive, which is a trait that is unappealing in a male. Having said that, I do not think he changed his mind about most things regarding you. He just changed his mind about having you. I love cannolis. They are my favourite dessert. I love the varieties they come in and know some of the best places to get them. (I do not mean to compare it to romantic love, "love" was just an easy word to use here.) Now, if I decide (or [/B]realize) that I am overweight and have serious health problems, or if I am diagnosed with diabetes, then I have to give up the cannolis. That does not change any of my feelings or desire for them. It just means that I cannot have them without hurting myself.

The sad thing is, if you look at the posts you have written, you will find the answers to your questions. You admit you focused on the negative, gave him alot of crap, and held him accountable for his past which he honestly told you about. He adored you, was honest, sweet, had a crush on you for years, tried to be reassuring and you kept on his case for a past, which in all blunt honesty, was not only normal for a typical male, but might also be described as mild. "But anyway" he was good to you and you hurt him over things that had nothing to do with you. Do you think that might be why he would want to leave? If he could not make you happy why should he think it was working for either of you in that relationship?

The reason he can end communication with you is because he lives so far away. The reason he would end communication with you is because it would hurt to talk to you. It would hurt to hear your voice. It would make the pain and reality of the breakup fresher and might even weaken his will to the point where would get back together with you. (I.E. If you are a recovering alcoholic do not keep liquer in the house.) He can break up with you and still love you. It is possible to love you and be unhappy with you or be hurt by you. He has decided/realized that beign with you is not workign out and has tried to do the best thing. It is doubtful you would have stayed happy or that he would have continued to stya if he had not broken up with you.

[quote]i feel that if he truly loved me though he would have dealt with my feelings about his past for a while... I guess this guy couldnt do that for me. It was just weird the way he suddenly made this decision that he no longer wanted to be with me even when he knew that what i really wanted was not to break up.[/quote]

You have the advantage over us here in information. How long is "a while"? I would also differentiate between your feelings about his past and how you may have treated him because of his past. I will also let you in on a secret-he probably highly regarded your opinion of him. If he liked you for that many years, he would have wanted to be as good a person as he could around you. The very fact that you were with him may have even served as some sort of validation. It may have hurt him alot more than you can possibly imagine that you were upset by things he never did to you. (Rhetorical) How could he make you feel better about a time when he was quite possibly a different person? You may never have come to terms with his past and he may not have felt it was worth it waiting years to find out if you would accept him for who he was with you.
By the way, you asked for the breakupm literally. It was probably an emotional, knee-jerk reaction on your part, but:

[quote]He said he still loves me and that he needs time and that if i really love him, i'll give him that. I said, oh you dont want space, you just want to break up. I asked, so we are broken up? he said yes.[/quote]

He seemed to give you every chance up to the end. He offered you a chance to prove that you love him and that his well being mattered to you. You were the one who brought up breaking up and asked the question, which exactly like your questions about his past, resulted in an answer you did not want and affected your relationship irrevocably. All I can say at this point is try to respect your partner's feelings as you would want him to respect yours.


Briarwizard,

[quote]I think some people are being too hard on mchalel. [/quote]

I think that people here have actually been quite restrained and have still managed to give sound advice. There is one thing that is prevalent through all of Mchalel's posts: she does not care about him. She admits a number of times that she is hurting him, but cannot understand then why he would want to leave. She wants to stay friends, and she wants closure.
She does not talk about what he wants, or what he needs, or what is best for him. I will admit it is a little soon after the breakup for her to be concerned about his feelings, but it seems that the lack of regard for his feelings is what prompted the breakup in the first place.
I feel bad for Mchalel. Part of me really does. I think this may end up hurting her (in a number of ways) more than her divorce did. She can learn alot about herself and the world from this relationship, but if she chooses to only dwell on what she lost and not come to terms with how she lost it, she has alot to learn about herself and love.