You deserve to be happy.
Hi Erin:
Reflection and distance (time and space) help to put things into perspective.
In your first serious relationship, your boyfriend was an abuser. One of the classical characteristics of an abuser is his need to control his partner by isolating her and cutting her off from her support system (friends and family).
An abuser needs to exert power over you, to control you, to isolate you, and to keep you under his exclusive thumb--he is irrational, disrespectful, and hurtful to you. You were in an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person and you needed to muster your strength and escape--you had to because you were a victim of abuse.
Emotionally healthy people in healthy relationships consider each other's feelings and needs and try to accommodate those feelings and needs. But those feelings and needs are usually rational and reasonable and based upon mutual respect and trust.
Your current husband is a different type of abuser--but he is an abuser, nonetheless. He chose you as his third wife because you are the type of woman he looks for--you are a pleaser and a giver. You put other people's feelings and needs above your own. You are an easy victim for an amoral, self-indulging, womanizer--he can play you like a fiddle. He depends on you to be weak and submissive--and you are. (That's why your first serious boyfriend could control and abuse you--because you allowed it--you weren't strong enough to prevent it--you weren't strong enough to leave until it got so bad that you didn't have any other choice.)
You can't control your husband (not that you would ever try to control him) and you can't change him. But, you can control your own actions; you can change yourself. You can respect yourself; you can determine how you want to be treated by a man; and you don't have to settle for less.
Muster up all the strength you can find--you managed to escape before, you can do it again. And next time, you will be able to spot the users, the abusers, the controllers, the ones that want to take advantage of you. Based upon the lessons life has taught you, you will avoid these types of men.
And when you finally find the right person for you--someone who loves you, respects you, and treats you well--you will be one of the happiest women on the face of the earth!
You deserve happiness. Don't you?
Actually, Erin, I think that you know everything we said yourself, and that you know it very well.
You just need to get courage to do what you know that you have to do.
I hope those posts helped.
Good luck
