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Tue 28 Jul, 2015 10:22 am
I m 20 years old and have never been in a serious relationship before, so keep that in mind. He s 18. Long story short, he and I went on our first date. It went well, and we both talked about going on a second one soon. At this point, we aren t exclusive or anything, but we both like each other and want to progress; that much was communicated.
A few weeks after our date, for some reason, he tells me he had sex with this girl at a party. While I am initially hurt, I realize we aren t exclusive, so we re both technically single. But, before I can even begin to heal, I find out from a third party that he s actually now in a relationship with this same girl, and he specifically didn t want me to know. I am floored. I tell him I know his little secret, and that I am hurt. We go a while without speaking.
A week or so goes by, and he finally apoligizes. He tells me I deserved better, he screwed up, he was confused and didn t know what he wanted, and that he wasn t thinking straight. (He also suffers from depression). He never stopped having feelings for me.
I told him we can be friends, but I m not sure about the dating thing. I like him more than I thought I would, and he s a good friend. But never having been in this situation before, I don t know what to do.
Should I make him work for my trust and respect again..then give it one more shot? Or should I stay strictly friends and move on.
I can t say he cheated on me, because we only went on one date. It mainly hurt that he went with someone else and didn t plan on letting me know.
But I like him a lot, and he likes me a lot. I want to make it work, because of how much I like him. I just don't know if it's the right thing to do.
@Satine7,
Satine7 wrote: he s actually now in a relationship with this same girl
he's in a relationship with someone else
why are you asking if you should date him?
____
secondarily, I wonder how long he took to get "into a relationship" with someone else within a few weeks of dating you. relationships take a lot longer than a few weeks to develop. was he already in a relationship with the other woman and cheating on her with you?
it's kind of hard to spin this in any kind of positive way
___
why would you want to be friends with someone like this, let alone date him?
find a nice, mature young man to date
@ehBeth,
I left out the fact that they only "went out" for a week or so, and now they are finished. It seems like within the same week of him sleeping with her, he started seeing her.
We've been friends for a while, and I like him as a person. I didn't plan on falling for home so this is why it's difficult for me.
@Satine7,
Bottom line here is that you've had only one date. There's no hint of commitment. A second chance would have to do with someone who cheated. He did not.
However, it's wise not to commit to someone who has clearly a different agenda about who and how he dates than you apparently do. You may have liked each other, but he's not on the same page as you values-wise.
Find someone else who's more mature. He's got an itchy trigger finger, so to speak.
@Ragman,
Begin to heal? You are hurt? Gain your trust? trust and respect? You went out with him once? You two decided you like each other. You like and demand immediate commitment? Should you give him a second chance?
Hold you're horses. He could well need to watch out for you.
I'll agree with Ragman - you have different dating agendas.
@Ragman,
I appreciate your honesty. I agree. From the start I knew we had different morals and takes on things..I guess I just can't own up to the fact that it's the very thing that will ruin any type of "relationship" from here on out.
Thank you.
@Satine7,
As a generality, a boy/man of 18 is not at the same maturity level as a 20-yr-old girl/woman. There are, of course, exceptions.
I/we all wish you well. Let caution, common sense and time be your guide.
@Ragman,
Thank you, again. Everything you've said somehow I already knew; I just let my attraction to him blind me. It's sad when things like this happen, because if he were to erase everything he did in that span of 20 or so days, everything would be just fine and we'd probably we a couple by now. I appreciate your thought into your advice, and for being someone who actually didn't degrade me in my situation.
@Satine7,
You seem quite thoughtful and no one should fault you for being young. Trust must be earned. There's no reason anyone should criticize or degrade you. Hang in there. At age 20 most or nearly all of us oldies were distracted by such attractions.
Perhaps it was I who was taken as the degrader. I'll admit to being snappish with questions, not meant to degrade, but to make Satine think about being hurt and needing to heal when someone fools around with another after one date with you, whatever tender time, conversational or more, happened on that date.
The late teens and early twenties are well used as time to figure out who you are and what you want. Many people who think they already know that adjust their takes on a lot of things in those years, keeping some and tweaking others. This is almost what that time is for, learning, which keeps on happening.
Your eighteen year old is in the explore mode. He may come back to commitment with you or someone, but I'll hedge my bets on his doing it immediately. I was in love with a nineteen year old myself, when I was twenty one, and he was sort of the opposite of your guy, Setine, but we didn't fit in other ways, and looking back from a long time later, that not working out was a good thing for both.
Anyway, serious commitment is a big deal. Take it easy, life is long.
@ossobuco,
Thank you for that. In a twisted sort of way, I want to give him another shot just to have some experience under my belt; whether he hurts me or we just don't fit together. I'm not at all interested in possible marriage or anything extremely serious at this point in my life. I just haven't had any experience whatsoever, so when I meet someone who has mutual feelings for me, I just want to try it out.
I appreciate your wisdom and further explanation.
@Satine7,
I understand. Be safe, of course, but I am guessing you know that is smart.
@Satine7,
I've always maintained once you lose trust it can never be regained. The first time's always the hardest time to screw someone over, after that it's considerably easier and much more likely to recur. So there is no 2nd chance.
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