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Wife won't stop her affair

 
 
Mo38
 
Reply Mon 27 Jul, 2015 02:29 am
I,ve just recently found out my wife has been having an affair. I got worried about her when she was working away and didn't seem to want to talk on the phone to myself and the kids, I asked what was wrong but she always said she was tired so I thought nothing about it until she came home after 5weeks.the first night home we went to bed as normal and she fell asleep straight away but her phone kept buzzing all night so I got up to switch it off when I saw the text messages from someone missing her warm body next to his and can't wait for the weekend. I woke her up to confront her but had to wait until our children had gone to their big sisters for their holiday. When we got around to it she just blamed me and said their hadn't been a marriage for years( which I know is wrong as we've still been romantic and loving up until she went to work away) . She still hasn't told me if it's over or what she plans to do. She said she would take the kids but the kids won't go anywhere without their dad and she knows that. I'm absolutely devastated and she knows that but I can't seem to get a definitive answer about us or him, she just says I'll sort my own life out with or without us or him. She says she can't make decisions with everybody pressuring her but it's not her life she's destroying its her family's life as well.he keeps texting all day and night which is making it worse,she says he can give her whatever she needs and. Is deliberately making it hard for us to sort things out.Last Thursday I overheard her on the phone telling too stop the messages and to give her some time and space to handle her own life,fair enough he sent no more messages that night but he must have contacted her at work the next day, the next day we had agreed to have a nice quiet evening in just by ourselves she even agreed on the way from work.We got home I ran her a bath( she now refuses to change clothes in the same room I'm in)got her pyjamas ready for her then made her a coffee.After her bath she said she needed to take a walk to clear her head which I thought nothing of because she always likes to walk miles to be by herself (she usually calls me to pick her up after an hour or so)so I phoned her daughter to speak to the kids and told her where her mother was and she told me she could track my wife's phone on her p.c because she had to do this for her son,I said okay because I was getting frustrated and it turns out she was 10 miles away at a b&b meeting this gentleman friend.I tried calling her after a couple of hours and texting her but to no avail( she switched her phone off)When she got home it was after twelve so I asked where she had been she said she lost track of time and she wouldn't say anything else.The next day we agreed to go for a walk together but when it came time to go she decides that I had to stay at home to wait for a parcel and that she wouldn't be long,so I said ok and let her go then got her daughter to track her again,evidently she was just in the town so I thought nothing of it. An hour later after parcel had been I.went to the shops only to bump into my wife with this other man I couldn't do anything as I was in traffic at the time and couldn't park anywhere near so had to wait till late that night to confront her.After a lot of angry words and tears( by me)she said that she had had a long talk with him and that he was going home and that was the end she needed her family first and foremost.After work on Sunday we had a quiet night in watching DVDs and eating chocolates then the text messages started saying he was sorry and that he should have listened to her( the only two messages she let me read ) We decided to go to bed early because she started work at 5 AM then suddenly she gets phone and iPad together with her uniform for tomorrow's work and she moves her stuff into the kids bedroom and shuts the door on me.The next morning she gets up and acts as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.I,m baffled as to what to do or say because her behaviour just seems to change from one second to the next she is still making plans for our house and lives together but refuses to answer any questions about him or if it's over .I suppose I'll get an answer if she disappears again at the weekend. I am willing to forgive her transgression not for myself but for our children's sake but how much more have we to suffer before a conclusion.
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Type: Question • Score: 16 • Views: 3,812 • Replies: 21
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 27 Jul, 2015 04:19 am
Get counseling.

And use paragraph breaks.
Mo38
 
  0  
Reply Mon 27 Jul, 2015 04:33 am
@jespah,
I have asked if we should speak to a marriage guidance counsellor but she totally refuses and says she will sort herself out without anybody's help and has no intention of going through a divorce( I'm her fourth husband).
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 27 Jul, 2015 04:40 am
@Mo38,
You can get a divorce even if she objects. No one is forcing you to stay in the marriage. You can also go to counseling by yourself, too.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Jul, 2015 11:04 am
Your wife's behavior is bizarre, but yours is too. What are your ages?

Why are you not able to make a stand on this whole thing?

Why do you allow this to go on?

Clearly, she doesn't know what she wants, so why don't you give her help? Tell her to stop this foolishness and go to counseling - or else you will seek the advice of a lawyer. Agree that she turn off all phones/text capabilities.

She needs to either work on this marriage or let you go.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Jul, 2015 11:15 am
@Mo38,
Go to see a counsellor for yourself - and to plan how to discuss all of this with the children. You might think they don't know, but they know something's hinky.
0 Replies
 
niceguy47460
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Feb, 2017 10:59 pm
@Mo38,
put her **** out on the lawn
roger
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Feb, 2017 11:25 pm
@niceguy47460,
Ya know guy, we've got a nice, ongoing thread about the physics of 9/11.
0 Replies
 
Tentous994
 
  0  
Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2017 01:29 am
You should manage your wife that to leave her affair. If she don't leave or manage then I think you should leave her.
0 Replies
 
mathoskins82
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Apr, 2018 09:09 am
@Mo38,
Hi i have recently discovered my wife's affair she admitted to me.
Background i met her when her ex-husband did the same to her it was a brutal time for her which i stook with her she (we) have 2 kids one is now 18 the other is 11 when i came into their lives they were 9 & 2/3. My youngest doesn't see her biological through his choice and now she genuinely believes i am her rear dad.
We have been together for 8 years and married for 5, she told me 4 days after our anniversary this st patrick's day 2018 which as you can imagine i am devastated.
She tells me we have no chance but hasnt had the respect to tell me any reason what so ever she says there is a lot of reasons for to be pushed from me but will not tell me anything.
I wholehearted want to fight for our marriage as feel/believe we have a future i can forgive her but i know i cant make her do something she doesn't want to in fact she said she cant change it.
Am a fool for feeling we stange a chance?
Am i fool to fight for whats right our marriage and family?
I am in a state of desperation and don't know where to turn.
Sofos
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 17 Apr, 2018 05:22 pm
@mathoskins82,
I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately you will have to make a choice either being treated like a used condom or fight for your dignity and put the divorce papers in her face. Don't even think about staying with this sick person....you'll thank me later.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Apr, 2018 03:27 pm
@Mo38,
Quote:
I phoned her daughter to speak to the kids and told her where her mother was and she told me she could track my wife's phone on her p.c because she had to do this for her son,I said okay


Quote:
I said ok and let her go then got her daughter to track her again


Quote:
An hour later after parcel had been I.went to the shops only to bump into my wife with this other man I couldn't do anything as I was in traffic at the time and couldn't park anywhere near


You are a grown man, you know your wife is having an affair, why the heck did you bring her daughter into it? "Her daughter". And, why stalk, track.

0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 Apr, 2018 04:10 pm
@Mo38,
Quote:
I,m baffled as to what to do or say because her behaviour just seems to change from one second to the next she is still making plans for our house and lives together but refuses to answer any questions about him or if it's over
You are baffled as to what to do or say not because of her behaviour, but because you've passed all the decision making to her:
- you want to remain with her
- you don't want to upset her
- you want her to be faithful
- you want her to stop seeing this guy
- you want her to stop being secretive...

...in viewing things this way you willingly transfer all the decision making into her hands. What that means is you don't make decisions (ie about what you want) but leave it in her hands...while trying to 'get something out of her'

Quote:
The next morning she gets up and acts as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
No wonder she can do this. You will accept it.

If you want to change that situation (about you transfering all the decision making to her), you need to decide what you need that you will stand up for, and you need to add qualifiers:

- I don't want to upset her, though if the conversation is important to me that may be inevitable
- I want to stay with her, and I will make an effort, but she also must make an effort to come back
etc

In other words, no matter the situation, you still have decisions to make.

And of course, if you just say the words without backing them up with action, then the words are meaningless. Same for her - if her actions don't gel with her words, the words are meaningless. Actions should always be believed first.

0 Replies
 
KoehnJSam
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jul, 2018 12:18 am
I just have to add in what I feel should happen here in both cases! You have to stand your ground and say you will not put up with this and as much as I should file for divorce and leave you immediately! I will give the marriage a chance under the conditions of. No contact with this man ever again! Start counseling immediately, Find out if she even wants to save the marriage. If she is already with another man and having a difficult time stopping the affair, then more than likely she feels the marriage is already over and been looking for a way out for quit some time. She may have already in the past tried to reach out in some way voicing frustration on certain matters of the family/marriage and it may have never been communicated correctly enough for the husband to really understand how desperate she may have been. It may have on many many different occasions tried to be discussed but she may have felt like she wasn't heard or things did not change. The best advice is to stand your ground for what you want! If you are willing to forgive and try and fix the marriage then she needs to know that the only way you are going to stay is immediately ending the affair and no contact! She needs to fight for you and to be with you! If she is not willing to do that then get the divorce! She needs to open up to any and all questions about why the affair started and how long it's been going on and in my advice do this in counseling. Understand that yes she is at fault for what she has done, but in rebuilding the marriage you the husband will more than likely need to come to terms with faults of your own that lead up to this happening! Not always but usually it's both couples that have contributed to this. You have to stand your ground when it comes to staying together! If she can not be honest, upfront, end the affair and show signs of remorse and really wanting to stay married. Then you need to separate and more than likely divorce! It is a really hard thing to come to terms with and more than likely people will tell you just what I am writing you now about how you have to say goodbye and leave her for good! Part of her is never really going to want to get a divorce and because of that will want to play the game of stringing you along because she know how much you care for her and that you telling her you can forgive her can sometimes have her continue the affair or shifting the blame all on you and that you caused her to do this! Stand your ground and make it very clear that the only way for this marriage to work is for the affair to end immediately, counseling right away, You taking complete control of the cell phone contract. Meaning you remove her name from the bill, only have yours as the only one with administrative authorization to make any changes, changing her phone number, restricting access to social media on everything. That means no Facebook, Twitter, Messaging, Instagram, and personal email needs to be deleted and a new one can be open with you over seeing the mail account! This is going to make her mad and fight with you more than likely that she is not a child and what not! Well the bottom line is! No matter if even you might think its to much you have to do it! She decided to be a child when she went behind your back and had the affair in the first place, then she decided to continue the affair and not tell you right after it happened and to have no remorse about the matter and finally she is continuing with the affair after it has been discovered! Yes more than likely the odds are going to be in the favor of the divorce and that is more than likely what will happen. Unless she can let go of her pride and ego and fight for the man she married! Understanding that for some time she will have to prove herself to you once again and rebuild the trust! You the husband will be doing self improvements to your marriage as well more than likely. Closing off contact or really limiting contact with friends and family for a while to really focus just on the marriage and family. Trying to completely not even use cell phones, computers and social media. Maybe only during the work day then in the evening when everyone is home they all go into a basket and no computers, TV etc for a while as real family connections can be made and reestablished. Everyone helps with dinner, everyone eats together, everyone cleans up and then family games or walks or even Family TV show or movie but together as a family making new and strong connections. Really asking and listening to how how each person day was and really thinking of good questions to ask a person that may not share or doesn't know how or what to share!! It is during this crucial time that families need to focus so much on there own family and marriage if it is every going to change and grow! Finding ways to impress your wife/ Husband with changing things you are doing to where she or he is literally marrying a new spouse once a year or so! Making them say to themselves! I never new he or she could do that or how on earth did he or she complete this etc! You have to put your foot down and not budge a bit if they are not willing to make changes, make sacrifices, be honest, accountable, fight for the marriage then you have to walk away as hard as it might be! Trust me I know I went through this all before and it took me over a year of being strung along before I finally woke up and told myself and realized it was over and yes she still loves me but not the way i wanted to be loved by my wife! I had people telling me the same thing on leaving and putting my foot down. Of course I was in love with her and was willing to forgive her but because of my broken heart and being so hurt I became vulnerable and relaxed on boundaries because of the fear of loosing her entirely not realizing to much later that I would rather her go and us get divorced than to stay married to a women who really didn't love me the same way as when we first got married and that fighting for me wasn't as important to her as I wanted it to be! You deserve to be treated equally and like a loving spouse who the other wants and needs to be with! Remember that no matter what happens you have to keep your dignity and self respect for yourself! If it's all over and divorce is what will happen at least you can walk out of the marriage and say to yourself that you tried to fix the marriage and stand by them through hard times and you can survive and live through this and be the better person. Remember that it's okay to be alone and that if you can be alone and be happy and not need to depend on someone then you become much more confident in yourself and in what you will tolerate. You become attractive and appealing to other women. The less of your insecurities you will be willing to pass over to other future partners. You become a better lover, listener, understanding and aware. Your more confident in yourself and more apt to expressing your feeling better to future partners and how you express your partners to the people around you. Stand tall! be strong! set boundaries and stick to them! Be willing to say goodbye and not giving in! That is the hardest one because of how you feel about them but you deserve better for yourself and not to let them steam roll over you!
0 Replies
 
LaVitaEBella
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 5 Jul, 2018 06:50 pm
@Mo38,
You should undergo counseling if it won't work and she continuous he affair then I guess its time for you to file a divorce or give her some time and space.
0 Replies
 
paullawn
 
  1  
Reply Wed 18 Jul, 2018 07:51 pm
Forgive her, forgive yourself, and move on.
0 Replies
 
sandy100
 
  0  
Reply Sat 25 Aug, 2018 01:28 am
@Mo38,
Having been on the other end of this for such a long time, my advice to you is to kick her out. Picture yourself 10yrs from now with a multitude of lies and emotional pain. Kick her out one time and let her figure out her life and what's important to her. Do not take the blame, she is the one causing the pain here. In the meantime, love yourself and your kids and work on becoming a better partner. Being with a lying, cheating, sneak is not what you have worked for nor what you deserve.
0 Replies
 
Maegan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Oct, 2018 10:00 am
@Mo38,
She won’t stop because she has no respect for you and your feelings. People who hide are selfish and don’t know how to communicate their feelings , wants and needs. You are two adults and clearly this is not her first time around with marriage. She clearly has issues that no one can solve for her. She needs to get help. You need to figure out what the goal/ purpose is for staying in this marriage with her is. If you want to stay for that purpose, you would consider opening up your marriage to get your needs fulfilled because she will never be faithful to you. I have a husband who lives a double life like your wife who travels for work etc. my husband isn’t open to the idea of me having affairs or friendships with other men but he thinks it’s okay for him. I say to hell with that because I also need a fulfilling life and he cannot fulfill all my needs whether emotional or spiritual because he is giving to others outside our marriage. Have an open and honest conversation with her about exactly what you want from the marriage and also be open to other options if you actually want to save it
0 Replies
 
ChadSoul
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Oct, 2018 03:15 am
@Mo38,
Damn dude!! Are you satisfied with being a cuckold?? Because that's what you are. If she's not honoring the vows then why should you? The purpose of marriage is two people honoring the vows together and living a happy life. Is this happy, is this prosperous. Even if she stops it wont be the same so why torture yourself any longer. You kids will always be your kids. You don't need to stay in the house for that!! Please dude that has hard to read and I'm sure she's doing worse things than what you're stating on here. Lose the Beta attitude and Alpha up...in other words...Man up!!!
0 Replies
 
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