I,m baffled as to what to do or say because her behaviour just seems to change from one second to the next she is still making plans for our house and lives together but refuses to answer any questions about him or if it's over
You are baffled as to what to do or say not because of her behaviour, but because you've passed all the decision making to her:
- you want to remain with her
- you don't want to upset her
- you want her to be faithful
- you want her to stop seeing this guy
- you want her to stop being secretive...
...in viewing things this way you willingly transfer all the decision making into her hands. What that means is you don't make decisions (ie about what you want) but leave it in her hands...while trying to 'get something out of her'
The next morning she gets up and acts as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
No wonder she can do this. You will accept it.
If you want to change that situation (about you transfering all the decision making to her), you need to decide what you need that you will stand up for
, and you need to add qualifiers:
- I don't want to upset her, though if the conversation is important to me that may be inevitable
- I want to stay with her, and I will make an effort, but she also must make an effort to come back
In other words, no matter the situation, you still have decisions to make.
And of course, if you just say the words without backing them up with action, then the words are meaningless. Same for her - if her actions don't gel with her words, the words are meaningless. Actions should always be believed first.