What determines who is 'the one'?

Truly a difficult question. Someone sent me an email with a possible answer:

Subject: MEN

A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry. He
decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new
set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has Spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder
in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their
future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest breasts.

Men are like that, you know.

I think we choose our mates based on like interests, friendship, similar goals and beliefs. While we can find/date many people who fit those criteria, I think what ultimately makes us choose one person over all the others is chemistry. I think that chemistry leads to love and that is what makes that person special enough to become our spouse or SO.

"What determines who is the one?"

I personally don't believe in the one because I feel that because some people are more complacent and nonconfrontational than others these types of people would be able have a successful relationship with just about anybody. Maybe not the happiest relationship, but since they don't complain it's not an issue in their case.

Then there are people who are more picky, more demanding (and they have a right to be if they want) and insist on what they want and nothing less. Still these people have more than one option on planet earth for themselves. There are some personality types that mesh better with other personality types. It's not a "who's the ONE person on earth for me?" That's a myth that has been leading to life-long disappointment in many people's relationships for many years.

Finding a good fit in a person is similar to finding a good fit in shoes. Seriously. You see a pair you like, you put them on and walk around the store for a little while. If they start to hurt, you put them back on the shelf and try another pair, and another, and so on. If you find a pair you do like, you buy them and wear them as long as you want to, maybe not forever, but for as long as they make you happy. If you're lucky you find that one pair of sneakers that gets more and more comfortable as they become older, less attractive on the outside and worn. You save these forever and never throw them out because you love the way they feel.

Anyway, whatever determines a successful relationship lies with no one but the two individuals involved, and each relationship is as different as we all are. It's the right mix of attraction, goals, beliefs, wants/needs, educational levels, social similarities, respect, self-expectation, willingness to compromise and/or stand up for ourselves if we disagree and communication that exists to different degrees in all of us.

There's no right or wrong answer, it's individual preference.

Dog lover: i think that what you mean by chemestry is what i call being IN LOVE (different from flat out love). It's the butterfies in the stomach and not being able to sleep. It's feeling less than worthless when this person doesn't give you attention, but not having to eat or breath anything but the persons precence.... walking on air... owning the world..... being in love.... ahhh.

But there is a problem with this for choosing partners: it wont last. Give it 3 maybe 4 years at the most and it's gone. In some cases it gives way to love, in others it doesn't. I'm sure you have heard all the stories of divorce and seperation: "we used to be unseparable and we were so happy but i just don't love him/her anymore. The magic is gone. Now i feel love for someone else (which realy means 'in love')". We can be in love with tonnes of different people and i dont think that means that there is a good relationship waiting to happen. Shrinks say that we choose people based on similarity, proximity and phisical attraction... thats it. And maybe i have high hopes, but that seems kind of trivial. Simply whoever you hang out with that is the most like you and looks good.....i don't think so.

Suzy: yes... we can be happy with more than one person... i totaly agree. So you say ..." eh.. just pick one for no better reason than they look like they might be a nice fit. If not.... off you go." Woulden't that get sort of expensive after a while? I mean, following the analogy, the better shoes cost more. And when we go back to the store we don't get a refund.... everything that was invested in the relationship is gone. And you might have blissters on your feet as well, which make any pair of shoes unconfortable.

So your at the store....and they are all lined up nice in a row.... what so you considder before you reach for a pair?

Well, fortunately, my husband had "I'm the one" tattooed on his forehead when I met him.

Seriously, though, it was because we had stuff in common that we clicked. We knew it nearly immediately.

Hi, Ghendo -

Well you don't get a refund but you know not to bother with that particular style of shoe anymore, know what I mean?

Well I'm happily married so I'm not in the market for guys anymore, but this time I chose my "shoes" much more carefully. I went for the complete OPPOSITE type of shoe than the kind I had before. (First marriage was a disaster, should have still had Mommy picking Stride-Rites out for me at that age.)

This time, instead of choosing the first thing that I saw in the alley behind the Payless, which was a beat up old stinky work boot, I found a better neighborhood to shop in and chose a beautiful pair of Pradas. There were a lot of nice looking medium-scale Baker's shoe store styles in between too. Not a waste of money, I learned what I did and did not want. There's no price on that lesson!

Kind of a foot-fetish oriented twist on "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince."

Quality always wins out over quantity. Again (as I always say,) you get what you pay for.

There is no "the one'" in my opinion. People are far too complex and ever changing to ever be the "perfect match" for another person.

Life is a compromise. It's all a matter of degree. I think it's a balance, how much comprimising each person has to do, vs. how much they enjoy being with each other. If the comprimise outweighs the joy, then things go bad in a hurry.

Even if you think you've found "the one" they may change over time and throw the balance into the 'bad zone'.

Life is a delicate balancing act, (at least for me). It's a daily struggle to try an make the good parts of the day outweigh the bad.

I don't think there is 'the one' either. I chose to marry my husband for lots of reasons, one being that I could actually see myself grow old with him, unlike other guys who I could not imagine being with forever.

I'm not suggesting that there is one woman meant for every man or viceversa, but i'm sure that there is a choice involved....two people have to choose each other in order to have a relationship. I'm of the opinion that a romance should develop out of a friendship. I have several friends that i'm sure i could have an exellent relationship with. But how do i know who to choose? One of these? An old friend that i haven't talked to in a while? Wait to meet someone else? None?

I guess the question can be better asked: what is the criterion for the choice?

Easing into a relationship out of convenience and choosing to get involved with a friend, just because, is kind of lazy and a fine way to ruin a friendship.
I believe in being knocked off one's feet, first and foremost.

i don't know if I believe in "the one" concept. People are so different and complex it's hard to know if you really have a perfect match. And then there is the whole opposites attract thing. If someone was so much like you, would you eventually get bored? What I do believe is that when your trying to decide whether to marry someone or not it should not be a decision that causes you stress. My grandparents were married for 45 years b/f my grandma passed away and the one thing my grandfather always said was that their relationship was always easy. Even when times got tough it was always easy to stay in love w/ each other b/c they had such a deep connection. If the relationship is too complicated or hard b/f marriage then you probbaly shouldn't marry that person. Also, I don't think you should look at dates or friends with the thought in your head"is this the one?" That just puts too much pressure and false expectations on the situation. Your single have fun w/ it and the right mate will find you. Don't rush into marriage. Take your time, it'll make marriage even sweeter when you find that person.

EASY


I agree!

Live, learn, and OBSERVE.

When you observe couples who have a good relationship, you see that having a good relationship is EASY for them. It is apparent that they LOVE each other. They smile. They hold each other's hands. They are considerate of each other's feelings and needs. They fullfill each other. They feel good about themselves and each other. They talk about each other with the highest regard. They don't make mountains out of molehills. Whatever problems they may have seem to melt away into insignificance in comparison to the love they feel for each other. Together, they can jump every hurdle in life and maintain happiness.

Maintaining a good relationship with the one you love should NOT be "hard work." If you are struggling and unhappy, or thinking you settled, or thinking you should have married someone other than the person you're with, then you're probably not with the right one.

Re: EASY


I disagree Debra. All relationships take work. Being happy in a relationship is as much a choice as it is anything else. Every couple struggles and has times when they don't particularily like one another but never stop loving one another. The work comes in keeping it together and maintaining your own identity while being a 'couple'.

At least that's how I see it.

Hard work?
SueZCue wrote:



SueZCue is right. There are some people who CHOOSE to maintain a happy, healthy outlook on life and who CHOOSE not to sweat the small stuff. It will be easier for these people to have successful relationships because they will place their partner's feelings and needs above their own. If they have an exceptionally demanding, selfish, jealous, or insecure partner, complacent partners might not find themselves in the happiest relationships but they probably won't complain.

But even a complacent, nonconfrontational person may eventually reach a point where they must tell their partner how they feel: "I am feeling unhappy--if you continue to torture and hurt me with your emotional outbursts--I will have to leave because I can't take much more."

Doglover wrote:



Work or consideration?

Not all relationships require work--at least not hard work. All relationships require two people who are considerate of each other's feelings and needs. If anything, being considerate and engaging in effective communication skills is somewhat of a "labor of love," but not hard work at all.

There are emotionally healthy people and emotionally unhealthy people. There are healthy choices and unhealthy choices.

Certainly, if you find two emotionally unhealthy people in a relationship situation and they make unhealthy choices, their relationship will be HARD WORK. They might still choose to remain together because of their basic love for each other, but they will undoubtedly experience miserable, unhappy times together.

AND, doglover is right: Everyone must make a choice. However, they may only control what they do or say--they cannot control their partner. They may only communicate to their partner what they NEED to be in a happy, healthy relationship. If those needs are communicated and not met in whole or in part, then people must make a choice about how much they are willing to endure for the sake of love and remaining together.

Personally, at this point in my life, I would much rather be alone than be in a relationship that requires "work." The person I am with now is a good fit for me. Our relationship is EASY and the love that we feel for each other continues to grow. That's how I determined that he was the "one" for me. I believe good relationships should be easy.

I realize that not all relationships are as good as they could be and not all relationships are as easy as they could be--it's all a matter of degree.

But--the thing is--constant HARD WORK in a relationship is emotionally draining. It sucks the life out of you little bit by little bit. It chips away at love--it chips away at dignity--it chips away at self-respect and respect for your partner. Most people cannot endure the emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship that constantly requires work, work, work, work. Most people (regardless of their personality type) will eventually reach a point where they can't tolerate the hard work anymore--they want to escape--they want to look elsewhere for elusive happiness. That's why one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. . . .

Given the choice, easy or hard, I'm going to choose EASY. I choose BLISSFULLY HAPPY! I'm going to choose the person who is the best fit for me. I've had relationships in my past that required work and they are exhausting. I would rather be alone than be with someone who emotionally torments me . . . .

CHOICES! We all have to make them!

All is changed with time
The future none can see
The road you leave behind
ahead lies mystery

All of fate's a chance
it's either good or bad
I tossed my coin to say
in love with me you'd stay

A writer takes his pen
to write the words again
That all in love is fair

--Stevie Wonder

Re: Hard work?


I agree...EASY is preferable to HARD...LOL and, I agree, it is better to be alone than with someone who is mentally, emotionally or physcially abusive.

Should I ever be widowed or find myself single again, I don't think I would have much of a desire to remarry. I would like to play the field, then hopefully, find someone special I could count on and be there for but not live with on a daily basis. For some reason, the older I get, the more I value my space and the free time that I have for myself. When I was in my late teens and early 20's being married and 'having someone' was so much more important to me than it is now.

Thanks all for your input.... i'm learning.

And i'd love to hear anything else you might have to say on relatioships.

-Ghendo