Mithie's New Age Recipes

As many of you are undoubtly aware, I am a man of many talents. One of these talents is my affinity with the culinary arts. In this new millenium, many things have evolved under the great care of advancing technology. Computer speeds have doubled and even tripled. Cars come with a load of new features and internet is no longer confined to one's house or the library. But let's face it folks, one field that really got short end of the stick is food. Food is still very much the same it was 50 years ago.

Well, that's all about to change with Mithie's NEW AGE RECIPIES!!

1. The I Love You Borcht

Nothing says "I love you" like a diamond ring, except maybe borcht. The combination of the two is sure to get your love life sizzling (haha) with excitement.

Ingredients:
1. Turnips. A crapload of them.
2. Salt
3. Pepper
4. Tomatoes
5. Rat Feces
6. Diamond Ring

Warm up a pot of water. Add in the turnips. Stir well. Slice tomatoes into thin slices and dip them in salt and rat feces. Add them to the water. Stir well. Lightly sprinkle pepper over the broth. Let it simmer for a good 6 days. When the broth is thick and smells like chernobyl, throw the ring as hard as you can so it sinks all the way to the bottom. Invite your loved one over for a romantic candlelight dinner and serve. Imagine her surprise when after she finishes the borcht to find a diamond ring! SUPRIRSE! She'll love you forever. Unless she chokes on it. Then it's bad, very bad.

2. Mashed Silicon Valley Potatoes

With the advent of modern computing and the world's dependence on silicon, it's a wonder the magical element hasn't found itself in modern food. Well, that's about to change, with a delicious traditional food served with a modern twist.

Ingredients:

1. Potatoes
2. Raw silicon
3. Rat Feces
4. Vinegar
5. I can't believe it's not Butter
6. I can't believe it's not rat poison

Pile the potatoes in the middle of your driveway, preferably in the shape of a pyramid. Run them over with your household steamroller. Scrape the remains into a wok and add water. Let it simmer for five minutes. While the mixture is simmering, cut off a chunk of I can't believe it's not Butter and roll the chunk in Rat Feces and I can't believe it's not rat poison. Dip the chunk lightly in vinegar and add it to the wok. Take the raw silicon and microwave it for a good 6 hours to eliminate odor that comes with raw silicon. Run out of the house as your microwave will explode at the 5 hour. Scrape up the remains of the resulting goo and add that to your wok. Let it simmer for another 5 minutes. Stir gently, and serve.

3. Souffle of Mass Destruction

All you hear on news nowadays are the weapons of mass destruction supposedly hidden in Iraq. One day, they say they found it, then the next, they say the weapons don't exist. Ever wonder what the whole hype about these weapons are about? Find out, in this new age recipe.

Ingredients:
1. Flour
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. Petroleum
4. Rat feces
5. Refined alpha-state plutonium
6. 60 pints of American soldier blood
7. Sand. A crapload of sand.

Mix flour with water. Add eggs and a little milk to whip up a nice and healthy batch of batter. Preheat your oven, and insert the batter. While the batter is being prepared, take the plutonium and cut it into small cubes. Coat these cubes with rat feces. Put these cubes aside for now. Sprinkle a thick layer of sand on a sushi mat. Pour over the sand either American blood or a good amount of petroleum, but not both. Roll up the sushi mat and tighten. The blood or oil will make the sands stick so you'll have a nice tubular shaped piece. Open the oven and shove the tube inside the batter. Take the plutonium cubes and sell them to foreign dictators for money because you'll need it to buy fuel for your steamroller, and with the rising gas prices, you'd better find a rich dictator. Take souffle out of the oven and serve, preferably at the white house.

That's all for now!