I am going to go crazy

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for those who have followed my story, i've had some big problems with boyfriends past. Both of us have been married before, but i think he has just gone into too much detail of sexual stories with me (Not just with the ex) He is the sweetest guy but hearing these things that were not done with me have turned me into the ugliest person. I have lashed out at him and said some mean things. I have had doubts for months because of his past. I have told him that i dont feel special to him since he's been married which he said is ridiculous. He at one point told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me and that he'd never break up with me...well now he wants to break up with me. I have driven the man to the point of insanity just like i did with my ex husband. And i'm about to turn 26-i'm thinking that relationships just arent for me. i REALLY do not want the relationship i'm in now to end. My boyfriend said he still loves me and feels very torn about what he should do but he seems to be more leaning towards breaking up.

WE talked on the phone last night and he said he feels some of the things we said to each other are irreversible. I am willing to do whatever i can to keep him, but it seems like i've done damage. He told me last night that he feels we are incompatible at this time. I cried and told him to just end things with me. He said what he really wants is more time to decide what he wants-if he wants to keep me. Do I let someone decide if they want to keep me? He told me that we shouldnt talk until saturday morning while he thinks. My gut feeling is that he will want to break up. I dont know how he could break up with me when he loves me. He said when he broke up with his ex he had no love left for her so he says he has never felt like this before and is confused. He loves me, but feels we're incomptiable. Doesnt love conquer all? I am becoming a psycho. He told me we shouldnt even text message today, well i already did leave him like 4 messages, he just wrote back adn said, remember what we discussed yesterday and that i'm wearing his patience. I dont want to break up!!!! ANd there is NOTHING i can do in this situation!!! We are also 900 miles away from each other....i feel helpless

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This might sound really silly (and I'm sure you'll get better in-depth advice here later) -- but can you go out for the day? I mean, out outside - walking, cycling, somewhere out of town? Somewhere away from the phone, from the email, from sitting home and fretting and looking at stuff that reminds you of all kinds of things?

Every person works differently, of course ... but its always worked some good for me. Walking somewhere outside I would still fret, of course, but at least I couldnt do anything about it (which is a good thing considering the kind of stuff you do about it if you feel like that), and I couldnt check my mail, messages etc every hour (a good thing too, cause that drives you crazy) ... plus, it will tire you out, so that by the time you come back home you'll just fall asleep.

(Only works if you're really outside tho - shopping downtown, with all its shops playing songs that vaguely remind you of something and all that, is definitely not the same thing.)

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I am just terrified of what his answer will be tomorrow. I so want to just know now. I e-mailed him once this morning, that was it. He gets really busy at work. He is just so torn right now. He said he feel like the best thing to do is break up, but that he still loves me. He said he is positive i will get upset about his past again. My stomach is in knots, i feel like i'm going to be sick. I didnt realize how much i really wanted to be with him until this happened. I dont know what to do....i have been through this before and I dont think going on a walk will help. I am at work right now. The bad thing is that i get out at 2pm today so i have no clue what to do with myself for the rest of the day. My boyfriend said he will talk to me tomorrow. I wish he would just break up with me now. I just dont see how he could put me through this.

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the other thing that is making me so mad is that he begged to meet my parents and i finally introduced him on monday. He had been the first guy i introduced them to since my divorce, it took a lot of guts for me to do that. My parents liked him, he liked them...

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My advice (not having read any of your previous posts) is to let up on your boyfriend. You seem to me to be pressing this man too hard. You agree not to contact him and then text message and email him? What kind of deal is that? It is not loving... it is annoying.

You must have some sort of life of your own if you are going to have a successful relationship with someone else. Fall back on your own resources. Above all you need to calm down and do a little self-examination. It is often good to write out what you are feeling -- it helps to organize your thoughts. Or, you could write this man a letter, not to send, but again, to organize yourself. Once that is done, then quit thinking about this. What happens, will happen.

Who are you? Are you a jock? Then go wear yourself out walking and running. Better yet, take a hike. Do you like to look good? Go have a massage... then give yourself a manicure and have what my friends used to call "a day of beauty." Are you an intellectual? Then go to a big museum and immerse yourself. Go to a movie. Go sight-seeing. Clean your house. Weed your garden. Go to a bookstore and find a book to read. Cook. Pick berries. Plan a vacation. Do volunteer work. Go shopping!! Find a friend and tell them you need to be occupied and why. Leave this fella alone and remember who you are as an individual. If you must dwell on him and your relationship, then limit yourself to a set amount of time and refuse to think about him except then. You can do this.

Being a desperate lover is not an attractive way to be; surely you can see that. Desperate is never desirable. Long-distance affairs make every contact more important so you need to choose your words and actions carefully. Above all, you should take care of yourself and not count on this other person to define who you are. Good Luck.

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everyone has given me great advice. At this point i just cant control what he is going to do. I could take a trip to europe, come back and his answer might be to dump me. I am disappointed that there is nothing i can do anymore to save this. I dont know why he needs so much time alone to think. I just dont know what i'm going to do without him because i strongly feel that he is going to break up with me...

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Well, Mchalel, then face that possibility. See that you will still be you and you can still be happy. If this man is going to break up with you, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. It won't be the end of the world even though it feels like it now. Remember, the best revenge is living well... and it is not because it is true revenge, it is because you'll have gained control of your life.

You are exactly right that you can't control what another person is going to do. The important thing is for you to be strong. Make yourself interesting and you will become desirable to others. To maintain that desire, it is also important not to drive people away or antagonize them by your own doubts of their loyalty, honesty or questioning their past. Sometimes it is better not to have your questions answered... so don't ask the questions in the first place.

I suppose there is still hope that you can keep this relationship, but you'd have to change your attitude about this man. I wonder if you can. I wish you loads of luck. My heart goes out to you because I know how sad and lonely it is to be cut adrift from another. He seems like your all... and then he's not there at all. You feel like you have nothing, but that is an illusion. Know that there is someone out there for you, if that is what you want. You will find the right person... but you have to be the right person, as well. Questioning someone else, raising doubts, becoming angry because of a past that you pried out of him... that doesn't do you any good... as you are surely seeing right now.

Long spells of crying and a lot of poetry... and some good wine. That's how I'd be occupying my time if I were in your shoes. (I'd also not be home tomorrow to answer his call when he tells you his decision... but then, I'm hot-headed.) I hope you have a good friend or family member who can be with you. And I wish you the very best. If you can go to Europe, then go! You'll be so busy that it will be easier to forget this sad affair... and you will seem so interesting that this man will be wondering what on earth he was thinking about when he doubted you.

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Mchalel, you've made this man responsible for your happiness. If he doesn't want to be with you, so what? Is the world going to cave in or something?

No one is responsible for your happiness but you and if you don't get that concept yet, maybe you should take some time off the dating scene for awhile and work on building your self esteem.

I don't really in all honesty think there is any room for another person in your life right now.

Work on you! When you are happy with yourself, someone else will eventually be able to be happy with you too.

Move on, girl!

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re
I guess i should focus more on myself, but it's so hard to admit that when i've been with this person for almost a year and i've become attached to them.

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I don't mean to be harsh, but while you're trying to save this relationship, you're pushing him away by obsessing and I think you really need to work on that if you're ever going to have a stable relationship. The father of my son was obsessive with me and it was abusive. If you love someone, you need to be willing to set them free. You asked why he needs so much time to think and it's because he needs time to figure out if he wants to continue the relationship. In the mean time, you agreed to leave him alone for awhile to let him think, but you've contacted him several times a day, which tells him that you can't keep your word and gives him another reason to end it. What you're doing to him would drive anyone nuts, so you should take this time to work on yourself. If you can't find happiness with yourself, you'll never find it in anyone else.

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Quote:

Do I let someone decide if they want to keep me?

mchalel--

Right now you don't have a choice about what he decides.

I understand your anguish.

All the same, he asked for a day without distracting messages from you. You responded with four instant messages and an e mail.

He's asked you to stop being insanely jealous of his past. You haven't stopped verbalizing your insecurities to him.

Frankly, it sounds to me that what you want is more important than what he wants--and he's beginning to realize this.

Sometimes women in love can destroy that which they love. I hope this has not happened to you.

From now until Saturday is a long, long time. Please use it for some constructive thought.

Good luck.

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I don't know where you are, but here it's a beautiful day. There are great restaurants. Spider-Man II is playing. Birds are singing. There are places to shop. Shelves need dusting. The car is full of gasoline and there are lots of places to drive. Dogs need walking. Cats need a pat. Flowers need watering. There are museums. There is people-watching. Beaches aren't too far away. Cabinets need organizing.

The world is a fascinating, exciting place, and he is not the center of it. Go and do something between now and tomorrow. Then do it again if it didn't take long enough, whatever it is. The folks here have given you some excellent advice, and even he's given you good advice, e. g. to not contact him. Time to take the advice.

PS I also wouldn't be around for the phone call. If I were in your shoes, I'd figure, if I had to wait, then so can he.

PPS I married at age 29. At your age, I hadn't even met my husband. Don't write off the rest of the world just because things haven't happened on a particular timetable. It'll happen. Maybe not with this guy, but it'll happen. :-D

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mchalel, bear in mind that this is an "uneducated guess" at best, but since some of your problems seem to be similar to the problems I had in my relationship, I thought I'd mention "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". It's a very common disorder that usually hits in your teenage years.

There are many sites dealing with GAD on the web, here is just one I found in a quick search on Google:

http://www.anxietynetwork.com/gahome.html

Basically GAD is "worry about everything". You see what appears to be a problem, and you start thinking about it, building it into something you cannot handle.

In trying to find out what was (is) wrong with myself I stumbled upon info for GAD and it was a real awaking. Medication and cognitive therapy can blunt the effects. Before I would 'cycle' thoughts and build up sceneros, (the worst possible sceneros) in my head until I was stressed beyond belief. Now I'm better able to stop those thoughts and beter rationalize them which is one of the ways I've dealt with my wife's past.

If you need any more info, feel free to PM me.

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I've been in a situation with a girl where she said she loved me, and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I tried writing her, I tried not writing her... I tried everything. The problem was it wasn't my choice, but I always felt like I could have done something differently to save the relaitonship. Sadly, I still have nightmares about it, and I'm married with a kid. I had thought we were meant for each other, so it threw my life for a huge spin, as I gradually realized we wouldn't end up together.

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I am going to go crazy

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