how do i forget him?

I've been in simiar situations before. When your marriage has gone cold, it's only human to seek out other people. It's especially troubling when you're wracked with guilt over your straying and the other person wants nothing to do with you.

I'd suggest writing him a carefully composed eMail stating that you understand why he's not interested in a romantic situation and that you just want to be his friend. Then he can read it and absorb the information at his liesure which will be more comfortable than a face-to-face confrontation.

Unfortunately we've had the email discussions already - and although on email his response was really nice (saying that he couldn't see me again becuase I was married, and if I was single it would be different etc...), it was after the emails that he ignored me. If I were to email him again, I think it would become like I was harrassing him, and I would hate to do that to him.

(hmmm there was one comment in his email which made me feel pretty terrible - when he was saying something like "I'd love to see you again, but I have morals" I know he didnt mean it that way, but it came out as "I've got morals - but you don't" which pretty much made me feel even worse, that this guy that I have an infatuation with, thinks I'm a terrible person.

It's totally understandable why you're feeling this way but this guy clearly is not interested at all, so in the interest of not coming across looking like a stalker or something (especially since it's a work situation,) back off and don't contact him again. If by chance you see him again on business, act like this never happened. Be pleasant and professional and never mention this again.

Next, start thinking about what's missing in your life. Sounds like your marriage is stale. Do you want the marriage? Do you need some new ways to spark it up? Are you no longer interested? Do you need to make a break and "find yourself"?

This exact scenario happened to me, almost the same thing word for word, and that was the point that I knew my marriage was over and I had no interest in working on it anymore. I bailed and got my priorities/life in order. It took years, but it needed to be done, and I'm now happy and satisfied with my life.

Only you can know what's going on with you right now, but you definitely have a lot to think about. Take time to sort things through and try not to involve anyone else in the mix until you know what it is you need and want.

I agree with the comment about not contacting him again - I'm just so angry at myself for mucking it all up by contacting him to discuss what had happened. If only I had left it alone, it might have been OK.

I am sure there were feelings there from him - from the things he was saying the nights we were out, the fact that the second time I ran into him, it wasnt an accidental meeting, a mutual friend txt'd him to say I was somewhere & he sent a txt back saying "will be there in 30 mins", the fact that he told me that after I the first time we were out, he had looked my photo up on our intranet & a few other things

I would be happy to not have anything happen again, but I just want to see him, even as a friend.

In terms of my marriage - I haven't been married long (about 6 months) but can't leave - I know people will say I have to becuase I'm not happy, but I just can't

I would surely give it up. It's obvious with the way you feel that you'd never be able to be just friends with this guy. If you're not happy in your marriage, then it's only fair to your husband if you end the marriage before you begin to move on.

Good luck to you.

Why can't you leave?

There is no good reason why I can't leave, other than my own insecurities. Which is really the whole reason I got married in the first place - I was getting over a long-term relationship when we started going out, I was mainly with him because we were good friends and I'm not someone who deals with being alone - then by the time I was over that, I found myself thinking that I was old (at the time I thought 26 was old! ha, with the benefit of hindsight...) and would never find someone who would love me & be faithful to me (my ex had cheated on me - ironic I know, given what I have done)

I know the right answer is to leave and then I will grow as a person, discover what I want in life etc.. .but I know myself, I just couldn't do it. Its pathetic, I know, but its me and its not something I can change.

I'm comfortable with my husband, and we do have fun times, and never argue and we have the same goals in life - just not a spark. The other thing is that I want kids in a few years (he wants them now, but I'm just not ready) and dont want to have to start all over again. Its all pathetic, insecure, naive, dumb etc.. reasons for staying together, but I can't get past it.

I'm with SueZ and Montana.

Really, girl, you've gotta give up thinking about this guy and the best way to do it is stop contacting him and, when you start thinking about him, change the subject in your head. No one makes you think or feel anything, but note also that you can change how you think and react to situations. So if you want it to be over and done with this guy from work (and it sounds like you're ambivalent about that but he is not), job one is to get rid of his email, block any incoming messages from him (there probably won't be any, but you will feel better if you are proactive about this) and try not to run into him. That need not run your life, but the bottom line is, you are not helping things by harping on this.

Now, about your current marriage - quick question - how would things be if your current husband became disabled or died? Don't say it can't happen. Disabilities affect 1/5 of all Americans, see: http://www.census.gov/prod/3/97pubs/cenbr975.pdf. So the idea that you can't be alone is, sorry to say (I'm gonna be harsh here) nonsense. Why, exactly, do you not feel capable? I suspect this is a feeling you should explore through counseling. Most people over age 25 feel at least minimal competency and this is especially of concern if you are considering having children. After all, if you feel you can't take care of yourself, you may find yourself overwhelmed by taking care of a child or two. So explore these feelings and work on resolving them. No matter what happens with your marriage, this will be of help to you.

And those feelings may lead you to leave your marriage. Or perhaps they won't. But ask yourself - whether you love your husband or not, ask if you are friends with him. Do you care about how he feels? Does his comfort level matter to you? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you need to sort this out soon, before you have a full-blown affair which involves sexual infidelity - and your husband finds out (He will. Most of them do). Ask yourself if your fear of being alone is worse than how you might feel if you are sexually unfaithful and your husband finds out from someone other than you. Or how you might feel if he doesn't find out, and you carry the guilt around with you.

Oh, and another thing - leaving under your terms is a helluva lot easier than leaving because you've been kicked out. Amicable divorces beat divorces based on infidelity any day of the week.

re:
The biggest problem i see is why do you want to still talk to him? If i were in your shoes i would just want to erase that incident from my mind and act like i'd never even met that guy. That's a big mess when you even just kiss someone when you're married, dont you think? Obviously things are not right with your husband if you still want to talk to this other man and you two should seek marriage counselling or end the marriage. SOrry to sound harsh, but it's one thing to cheat, but another to continue it. Even tho you said you dont want things to go further with this guy IMO talking to him is still in a way cheating since you were unfaithful to your spouse with this man. You should just want to let it go.

Don't feel bad about his reactions. He is just ignoring you because he feels bad. He doesn't know how else to handle it, because he feels compelled to flirt with you, but he does not want to. I don't recommend still being "friends." Or at least don't word it that way. Not only is it cliche, but it can have a thousand different meanings you don't or (even worse) do intend.

Wow, I think he's a good guy! You might think not right now, but he knows what it's like for a wife to lose interest in her husband and do things behind he's back. He know's that you are married and he is respecting you in a wonderful way. I hope you can realize he's doing you a good thing. maybe if your marriage does not work out and then you meet up with him and he's singe still you guys could hook up. I think it's noble of him standing he's ground with you becuse he doesn't want to hurt you or your marriage. Maybe you'll see this and be grateful for it.

good point nappy.

I agree Nappy.

Good point. Certainly it's a bit disingenuous to be upset with someone who's doing (or not doing) something that can help you possibly save your marriage.

I have to congratulate the man. He is sticking to his guns, and has learned from a sorry personal experience. I would suspect that the more you chase after him, the less respect he will have for you. No, you can't see him as a "friend". You would not be so hung up if you thought of him as a friend.

IMO, you need to do one of a number of things. Work with your husband to "fix" your marriage, or leave. The problem is, that you seem to want it BOTH ways.