I think we're breaking up

Has he stopped talking about his past since you've told him how much it bothers you?

If so then my advice, (if everything else is ok between you), is to try to let it go. It took a while for me to get over my wife's past, especially during those times when sex was infrequent between us, but I did get over it.

The past is the past. He cannot change his past anymore than you can change yours. If he's being respectful of your wishes not to hear about his past anymore, then try to let your anger go.

Unless you can get past expecting other adults you enter into relationships with to not have a past (that's impossible, we all do) you're never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

Wanting to be another person's "everything" is natural, but we have to be realistic. There's nothing we can do about what was going on in someone else's life before we came into the picture, so people in their past are not an issue.

Don't waste time looking backward, you'll never enjoy what you have at the present, and you'll surely eventually walk right into a wall!

Disclaimer: My friends here on A2K tell me my level of sensitivity leaves much to be desired. I apologize in advance if my demeanor seems insensitive. My peers here will chime in with all the sensitive stuff…

You have issues. Based on what you said the argument was instigated by you, about something that had already been discussed ad museum, couldn't be changed anyway and it surprised you that this exasperated him? You must have some very redeeming qualities or he'd have been long gone, long ago. I don't know if you are unstable or not, but that's the way you're coming off. I'd bet money this isn't the first relationship this has surfaced in for you either, is it?

To undue the damage you've done:

1. Realize that your issue is 100% your own, admit it to him (if you haven't already) and more importantly to yourself. Any justification you feel about it further proves you have issues. This is your problem.
2. Take steps to address this problem. I'm not suggesting you check yourself in to the lunybin here, but a psychological evaluation might not hurt. I'm not kidding. Do some research on available experts on this kind of thing and throw one a couple of bucks for a professional opinion. What do you have to lose? (other than this and every other worthwhile man you meet in the future?) At the very least, buy a book about the issue to help you understand what is wrong with you. Perhaps someone here on A2K has overcome something similar and can recommend something? Come on guys. Send her a PM if you're too embarrassed about it.
3. The man loves you. He must. When he sees that you really have figured out this is your fault and sees that you are taking proactive steps to correct it, odds are good he'll want to see the result. If not: he may have issues too. Don't worry about that for now. You are the one you need to be concerned about.

Again, I do hope I haven't offended you in any way. That wasn't my intention. I prefer to toss out honest opinions directly in hopes I'll strike the nail on the head with sufficient momentum to drive it home. Note: I frequently miss the nail altogether, and only you can judge the accuracy. I do wish you the very best of luck.

I agree with the others. If you can't come to grips with a persons past, then no one will make you happy. The past is the past and it means nothing. If you can't focus on the present, then it'll never work.

A lot of my ex's have had pasts that I wasn't thrilled about, but I never dwelled on it, nor did it bother me the way it does you. They loved me and that's all that mattered.

Good luck to you.

consequences
mchalel wrote:




mchalel:

Yesterday morning, I wrote the following concerning your insecurities:



Yesterday, the lesson was about making healthy choices.

Today, the lesson is about the consequences of an unhealthy choice.

You knew what would happen if you continued to torture your boyfriend with your insecurities. There is nothing he can do to erase his past. Nevertheless, you continued to lash out at him in anger over something that was impossible to fix to your satisfaction. You emotionally drained him.

The two of you discussed the problem.

You knew what the consequences were before you blew up at him last night. He warned you that he couldn't take anymore and you promised to stop hurting him. You broke your promise. He doesn't trust you to stop hurting him and now he wants to break up.

Maybe you can convince him that this time you will keep your promise. As angry as you are about this issue, however, I'm not convinced that you will be able to keep a promise to let go of his past and move forward. Maybe a few years down the road, with individual growth and maturity, you will be able to deal with issues such as this one--but right now, I think you have a lot to sort out in your own mind and heart before you can be in a healthy relationship.

Best wishes in your struggle for happiness!

re
I dont know what to do....I talked to him once this morning and he was very short with me. I have sent text messages and an e-mail-no response. I really dont want to break up but i'm afraid that this is it, what can i do?

I'd say the best thing to do is back off and give him some space right now. He's probably feeling pressured. Don't email him, don't call, don't IM, etc. You've already done that and he has obviously received your messages. If you feel the urge to contact him again, go for a walk, clean the bathroom, call a friend - in short, do ANYTHING but that. Let the man have some time to think things over.

Jespah is 100% correct. Pestering will hurt, not help your cause.

re
my stomach hurts so much right now. I really dont want to break up, but he seems so serious. He is just sick of me obsessing over this and he said he feels that he's been dealing with it for 6 months. I just never thoght hed break up with me over this...I mean i did cheat or beat him. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say to get him back on track...i dont think there's anything i can do. He told me he doesnt want to love me anymore.

There's no magic words, darlin. Address the issue that bothers him. Reread the responses you've received here. ALL words right now constitute pestering. Focus on fixing you so this doesn't happen again. Then when you do talk to him again you can tell him what you're doing to address the problem.

There's nothing you can do to get HIM back on track. You're the one who needs to get things sorted out, mchalel.

It appears he has told you a number of times what needs to happen, from his perspective, and you haven't done it, and now you're facing the consequences of your behaviour. That's not easy, but you need to deal with it.

Leave him alone for a while, and work on your own problems. From reading your posts over the last couple of days, it seems you really need to learn to focus on the present and the future, and leave the past where it belongs.

Good luck, mchalel.

re:
I'm hurting so much, i cant take this. I just want things to be ok, but he doesnt want to be with me. He wont answer my calls, i'm afraid if i dont call him, he'll just be gone forever. I feel so upset ):

If you keep pursuing him and don't give him time to cool off, you definitely will lose him forever. Just leave him alone. If he calls you eventually, great; if he doesn't, you have a valuable lesson here to be learned. We have no control over anyone but ourselves. You have to learn that lesson before you move on to the next relationship and the next as well, or you are in for a long chaotic life. Take a breather, and leave this poor guy alone. If he wants to come back, he will. If not, there's nothing anyone can do about that either.

Sorry to be the bearer of bed news.... but i think he's already gone. If he doesn't break up with you, break up with him. Sounds like only pain if you don't (not that breaking up is any less painfull, but it has an end). Sorry.

I agree with SueZCue. If you truly want him back, you have to learn to leave him alone and give him some space. Most people do not respond well to being smothered as it makes them feel trapped. Learn to do things on your own instead of expecting him to occupy your time. Get into some hobbies, do some reading, etc.... Everyone needs time to themselves once in awhile.

Best wishes.